Looking for advice or info

[TheX]

Hi all. I haven't posted on here for a while but I have got a question to anyone who has any info or experience of fetishes. I know I have to be careful and not to go into too much detail but my ex has progressed from what he said was just an interest in bondage to spending hundreds on watching p which involves some pretty full on stuff in which women are depicted as being hurt in various ways and in various contraptions. Although it isn't against their will I can't wrap my head around it and would be grateful for any insights because it really really concerns me. Thanks

[FoolishMind]

Hello TheX, and sorry no responses as yet, I did see your question earlier, but did not feel I could offer an answer based on my specific experience.

Personally this was a I was not into, however, I have observed it, and it was not for me.

I think the best way to answer you post is to advise you that, becoming a PA does not seem to happen overnight exactly, but it gets progressively worse. In the same way, the material one views, becomes repetetive, and therefore the PA does not always gain the 'fix' or the 'high', This leads them to search for differing content, and of course this can snowball. Sometimes PA's search for content that they do not even enjoy, but its for the 'shock value'.

As you also state these women who get involved with these 'contraptions' are not doing it against their will, but you need to acknowledge their not doing it for fun either. Their doing it because their is a deman from PA's and therefore they get paid good money for it. Supply and demand!

Whats easier getting rid of PA's or Getting rid of ?

FM

[TheX]

Hi Foolish Mind. Many thanks for replying. It was useful and insightful.
Like you say although the women aren't doing it against their will, that is what is being depicted. When I questioned my X and voiced my concerns that he gets off on seeing women "being hurt" he replied very cruelly "well there's a market for it, what's your problem!" which just freaked me out even more. There's a market for alot of things but that isn't to say it's ok or legal!
i just didn't want to sound too judgemental about it before I got more info. I've read a bit about the psychology behind fetishes but my X is progressing to some really awful things and I'm worried I don't know where it will stop. I have two beautiful little boys who i desperately don't want to be involved in this whole crappy mess. There's also other stuff he's told me which scares me to death, but I just hoped this site might help me become more informed about this extreme "bondage" stuff. My X has also been happily booking escourts costing hundreds of pounds while I'm struggling to buy things for the kids. It's all such a mess and I just want to protect my kids.
If anyone reading this has any info on the bondage stuff or can lead me on to some helpful or informative sites I would be grateful but I think my X has more problems as well as being a PA (which he doesn't believe he is despite everything he is doing)
Ps FoolishMind I have read the posts by both yourself and your wife. Well done for being so open and straightforward. It must be helping alot of people and I wish you both well

[FoolishMind]

Thanks for your kind words The X.

Just going back to the whole thing, Can I ask how you think you or your X will benefit by trying to understand it more?

Personally, I think you already acknowledge its a a type of , and some people like it, and some dont. There are many different levels to any type of , and frankly sometimes holding on to as much innocence as possible is a good thing and by know means naive.

You state that your X is comfortably paying for escorts while you are being careful with finances to look after your family. This proves your X has not opened his eyes, nor considers himself having a problem. Naturally you care for him, and therefore are desperatley trying to find a way to help him, but ...NO ONE can help ANYONE who does not help themselves.

Yes my wife has helped me immensely, but that has only been helpful because I acknowledged my problem.

You come across as a very intelligent woman and cleary are trying to do the right thing by understanding as much as possible to arm yourself with the knowledge to help him. Dont let this thirst for knowledge cloud your vision and hang on "what ifs" and "maybe he will change" Satisfy yourself you have tried, and if with those efforts nothing comes about, So be it. You will thank yourself later for being decisive and focusing on the ones that really love you and respect you.

FM

[TheX]

Hi FoolishMind, thanks for getting back.
I posted on here at the end of last year and unfortunately as I explained to a couple of people then, there isn't any love left or lost between us.
I did try to talk to him after we split because of my concerns that my boys might be exposed to it (just before splitting up I discovered my X's bondage collection of dvd's and to my horror he told me the last one he'd ordered behind my back, which was descibed at "not for the faint hearted, one of the most perverted films..etc.." had been sitting underneath the tv at his old house the whole time while my eldest son of 8 was there) Anyway to cut a long story short his response was that when my eldest wants to go "looking for stuff, he'll access what he wants anyway." I know a nine, ten, eleven year old definitely wouldn't tap the things he looks at into a computer unless they were prematurely exposed to it and I can't believe the man (boy) I thought I knew who is the father of my youngest child could make such an irresponsible and blase reponse to a genuine concern.
I know I'm going to sound very critical towards my X but it wasn't until we were on the brink of splitting up that I discovered his fetish. He had lied to me the whole three years we were together and after discovering this site it became obvious (although we weren;t aware of it at the time and my X will probs still deny it) that I had spent the whole three years in the grip of his addiction and it explained a million things, the biggest one being why sex had become a battlefield and the source of no end of arguments.
Like your lovely wife, I put myself down and blamed myself constantly to my therapist and until this PA became apparent it was just one horrible fuzzy feeling/gut instinct that something wasn't right but I couldn't explain what because of his constant lies and denials etc..
I had always thought I was ok with P and didn't mind the thought of him occasionally looking at stuff because previous boyfriends had and I'm not against it (although my opinion's changing!!) I just didn't realise he was addicted or that it could affect people's relationships with their partners so much.
(Blimey I'm really going on now), but in response to your question (which my therapist was also curious about at first), I just want to get better informed to work out whether this is likely something which he was exposed to when he was young (because he won;t give me the answers now) and whether my sons will be affected in the same way. My X hasn't just got a fetish, he has told me stuff about his childhood which makes me worry whether he will act like his father did. I know he needs help, I've just run out out of empathy beause of the shocking way he has treated me in the wake of our mutual split considering there are two young children involved. I just can't understand how he can't understand my concerns and find the kindness to talk to me.
Anyway i know I'm unlikely to get half the answers I'm desperately looking for, I just hoped insight from others and how their fetishes began might inform/reassure me my boys will be ok.
Sorry for going on. I wish I had half the respect for my X that you and your wife have for each other but especially now he has started paying for sex, I don't thnk I'll ever hold much regard for him . (If it's part of his addiction then sorry if I sound too judgemental)
I think you and your wife are so lucky that you can communicate the way you do when you both try and you clearly have a lot of respect for each other. Keep going and good luck

[FoolishMind]

Apologies for the delay in response and thank you for giving me a better insight into your current thought process.

I dont think you should apologise at all, as I think you understand and have made enough effort in trying to help your X. So it is understandable that you have very little if any empathy left for him.

However, I do think you need to close the chapter on him, as honestly it will do you know good.

Part of your continued thirst for knowledge and understanding on the mind of a PA is due to your concern for your children.

Lets acknowledge some simple facts first:

1) 99% of Males will encounter P regardless of in what media form.
2) Of that 99% an unverified LARGE percentage will continue to view P.
3) Of that Large percentage that continues to view P, An unverified smaller percentage will let their curisoty develop further and become more secretive, thus the viscious cycle of addiction begins.

A number of people will say that this addiction stems from a bad upbringing, or something to do with their past. Some will say they simply have an addictive personality. Perhaps some will even create a new name for some kind of syndrome, or mutated gene!

Personally, I dont think it should matter where it stemmed from, Its about the individual acknowledging the NOW, and doing something about it, because they have opened their eyes and agree it is not right. Of course some will swear blind and say that their is nothing wrong with P. That's their pergogrative.

Can you do anything to prevent your children from going down this line?

THere is no one single answer. However, I have acknowledge that one day my children as they grow up, will be exposed to P. Right now, my attitude is such that, when they have been exposed to it, I will broach the subject and explain that this is what some people do, but its not a real life, and that it can severly affect your future relationships, as you can lose the old fashion skills and experience of wooing a partner and understanding sensitivity and respect etc.

Im not sure if I am compltely going of on a tangent, so will stop their for now.

You will do the right thing, and I have no doubt that your children will look up to you with the upmost admiration for your strength of character, and thus respect your for that.

God Bless.

FM

[TheX]

Hi FoolishMind and thanks for getting back. I know what you're saying. Understanding him will not change the situation or the risk my children have of being exposed to it all. If it was mainstream stuff I wouldn't have the concerns I have now tell you the truth because before all of this I didn't have anything against P. It is because of the extreme content of what he looks like and it is getting progressively worse that I'm worried he'll end up on some very illegel horrible sites and I just can't handle the idea of my kids being involved with a guy who's into the stuff he's into. It's really violent and nasty.
Anyway many thanks for your kind words and good luck and all the best to you and your wife on your journey.
TheX