Question on imagination

[Inshi]

Starting it off...I always wanted to know the answer to this question but was never sure if I would get the honest answer...
When you are in bed with ur partner & makin love..do u as PAs imagine another woman u have seen in ur P scenes/ celebrities instead of ur partner???

[FairyG]

Good question! Not sure I want to know the answer either, really...but I'm glad you asked it all the same :D I'll be interested to see replies...

[Scooter]

Nope, for me being with my partner is a much bigger turn on, and much more 'genuine' feeling. I can happily say when I'm with my partner, my partner is all I need to think about.

[johndonato]

in my case when I'm with my partner I think bout all kinds of stuff I'm trying to learn to be with one person at a time in my mind pa kills your ability to be be intimate with one person
also fantasy women are much more attractive then a middle age woman with two kids
its all bout fantasy
what I need to learn is the reality is much better then the fantasy my wife wants me all the time and it doesn't matter I still want to view pa and mb here is where the prob lies j.d.

[Rowlf]

Doesn't happen very often, but I do get flashes of old images appear in my head. But everytime they do I've realised that I'm stuck in an old thought and am not experiencing things in the present moment.

So, they've become a good markers to slow down, relax, remember to breath and then I appreciate anew the gift of actually being with this real person in front of me and being able to touch, caress and enjoy her company again!

[Pandora's Hope]

Rowlf,
Thanks for your honesty. I think that's one of the big things all we SO's fear- the lies are so transparent when our PAs say they're not imagining someone else when they're with us. It's such a hard issue from both sides...my intellect understands your post from the addiction point of view, but my heart aches to hear what I suspected all along. The consolation for me is that my husband is finally getting honest with me and also a therapist now. All we can do is move forward.

It would be easier for SOs if it wasn't so painful to wonder who he's with when he's with me? ME or some fantasy woman? Or worse... some of the images I confronted my husband with that I found he'd been looking at really made my skin crawl, and his, too, when he had to see just how many times he'd gone back to them and how long he'd looked at them. He even shocked himself.

It's so degrading when you realize that you were being used as an object and a vehicle without your knowledge or consent...just so someone could pretend on some level that they were somewhere else doing something else with someone else. It makes you feel disposable, unattractive, used, cheap, and dirty.

Violated.

And those feelings really hurt.

As I read Johndonato's comment that fantasy women are more attractive-I wonder- Are they really more attractive, or is the attraction that you're in complete control of the encounter? No demands, no need to perform, to make someone else happy, to give as well as receive... I wonder about that sometimes. Let's face it- most of those women look cheap, not attractive- and it's pretty obvious when the boobs are fake.

I wonder if one reason it hurts the SOs so deeply is we see the reality of the porn actors and actresses, not the fantasy in the PA's heads.. and being rejected for that is humiliating.

I guess today my struggle is to keep the focus on our recovery and where we're headed NOW instead of where we were before.

Thanks to everyone for your honesty and courage on this site. =D>
It helps so much to not feel so isolated anymore. And thanks, guys, for working your programs and sharing so honestly and openly with us all. This forum is a real lifesaver.

[bodangles]

For me being my my GF is a million times better than sitting at my comupter looking and p and m. When I am with my girlfriend I have nver thought of p. The intimacy of being with another person is so much more gratifying. for me I know that the p is wrong but for some reason I still do it. After i am done with the p i feel so dirty and ashamed when I have been with my GF the feeling is indescribable.

[Pandora's Hope]

Bodangles,
Thank you- I didn't believe it was possible to feel the way you do about it til you posted this- I really believed there was no way he could want me more, since he sure wasn't acting that way. And I was enraged and jealous and hurt and....

You've helped me lose some anger... and become a little gentler with both my husband and myself. I guess the answer to the original question is a bit more individual than I'd thought before.

[Brooke_M]

"It's so degrading when you realize that you were being used as an object and a vehicle without your knowledge or consent...just so someone could pretend on some level that they were somewhere else doing something else with someone else. It makes you feel disposable, unattractive, used, cheap, and dirty."

Pandora's Hope- Thank you for giving words to the feelings I have been trying to figure out. That really hit home and as much as it hurt to read, it also helps to know I'm not alone in my pain.

[Life-lies-trust]

My PA want physical there with me but for years he has admitted that he used his addiction to get fulfillment with me. I am disgusted about this and he know is. This seems to depend on the PA person rather than always the same for all addicts.