please help: computer lies?????

[soooosad]

Neither my husband nor I are very good with computers. I am only a little better than he is.

The thing is for the last couple of weeks (prior to me giving him my letter) I think he has been deleting specific history (he saw that I was looking at TTF). You know how you can go into the history and just highlight and delete one thing (or more).

Now the thing is, he swears he just decided he should stop looking at P since I was looking at TTF (but I don't believe him - the site he mostly looks at pops up 1st at times on the address bar - and it did yesturday - after he promised not to "do it" anymore and after swearing he did not know how to delete his history).

Part of me wants to go back to my old ways and just beleive him and let it be but I can't. And I hate that I even have to think about this. We had a great talk after I gave him the letter and I was (am?) feeling very hopeful. But I just need to know if he is already lieing to me. I know it wouldn't be shocking to anyone here but how do I go on with someone who can't tell me the truth. He said it was no big deal and he would stop - I thought he was at least telling me the truth that he could face (I figured he was in some denial and all but did not think he was flat out lieing to me).

So, is there some way for me to know for sure if he has been deleting some of his history? Is what I described enough?

He has agreed to accountability software so that is on the plan - I have looked at the sight for accountable2you - is it really safe? and does he have to know I've loaded it?

I really just need to know if he is being honest with me at this point - I can handle almost anything else. If he flat out lied to me (which it looks like to me) I just don't know how to go from here - now it feels like a huge betrayal - before I just felt like I wasn't enough and that it was his private thing - if he has lied I will feel so belittled, betrayed and disregarded.

Yesturday, I felt drained but hopeful now I just feel like complete sht.

please help - I need to know - ss~X(=((:-o

[Avegan]

I have been searching for ages for some sort of way of blocking any history being deleted, or having a password or something to access the history, but i've had no luck. I'd also like to know of anything if anyone knows!!!!

[still_angry]

I don't know about other platforms, but Windows Vista does. When you set up user accounts, you can use Parental Controls. You can set the control to allow viewing of everything, but it will also log what has been looked at by all users. If you don't have different identities set up, and share one, well, you know that since you're not looking at it, it must be him if it shows on the activity report. I am sure Windows XP probably has something similar.

However, if he knows about this feature, he can turn it off. The only way then is if you have the Admin account, and he is set up as a seperate user. Then he can't have access to the reports.

It might be sneaky, but if he really doesn't know much about computers, you can tell him you just want seperate user accounts so you can personalize your desktop. Set one up for him, and turn the parental control on as well as the activity log.

I do recommend though that you don't set the control to high. It blocks everything. I would leave it on low or off, because it will log all websites visited.

To find it go to:
Start
Control Panel
User Accounts

[soooosad]

We have Windows XP and I am not seeing what you are talking about.

Do you think what I said about the History v address bar makes sense - it looks to me like an address will only show up first if it was the last address entered in the address bar and if I know that I entered something since he did and there is no history of the latest thing in the address bar - doesn't that say he has erased specific history? does that make sense?

There isn't anyway to retrieve deleted history then?

thanks - ss

and does anyone have info on accountabl2you?

[AirKeep]

Hey SS, I'll try to be optimistic. From your reply about your giving him your letter as well, I'd hope he's being honest and truthful, and it was as simple as saying 'Ok, I'm done.' I reeealllyyy hope that is the case, but..... (I guess the but being history and others experiences say differently, sorry)

Unfortunately as well, it now sounds like a game of spying in a sense, War of the Roses, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, who can one up who. P is about deceit and hiding things, and the 'game' of seeing if you can continue to 'outsmart' the other and hide it, could still continue. I'mn glad he agreed to some software, it's at least a start, but the heart has to change software or not.

I had tried a few things, KidsWatch, NetNanny, and a few other free programs, but never really got to use them. If it gets that extreme, there are keyloggers, such as WebWatcher etc. that really get detailed (down to recording screens, mouse clicks, keystrokes, etc.), thus effectively even 'catching' someone visiting sites or doing just about anything on the computer. Sad that it gets to that point. I don't know computers very well, but just about anything is possible. That being the case, there are also programs that remove those programs, history is deleted that sites and programs were used to download the software, you wonder what happened to your program, and the game continues...... Sorry, not to be a horror story, supposed to give hope.

He said he's done. What if you gave it some time, and let karma or nature or whatever take its course? If its still happening, you'll probably notice other things and it'll eventually come out again. Worrying so much (understandably so, I'm not minimizing it) about proving it or catching him, is maybe too much right now, one step at a time, and you've made a lot. You gave him the letter, he said he's done, give him the chance to prove it, trust him (*gulp*), and see if he comes through, ?

[soooosad]

Thanks but I think that I've already caught him in a lie and I really want to give him a chance and if things just change between us I'll be pretty happy, but I just gotta know if he has already lied to me - man I really hate this! - ss

[FoolishMind]

short and sweet, By wife pretty much made her self crazy by trying to trust me, but her gut feeling was I was a liar, despite a million and one promises.

You know your man, trust your gut instinct. If you think he is lying, then he probably is.

If he has agreed to accountability software, dont delay put it on. whether he knows or not its irrelevant.

I beleive that shortly the TTF team will be making a resources thread for partners which will only be visible to SOs that are supporters of the site. This thread will contain lots of tips on how to find history, and understand cookies etc. So there will be a wealth of information there.

Thoughts are with you

FM

[Glass_of_water]

Hi soooosad, I understand how you feel, and I would just like to reiterate what has been said that you should trust your instinct.

However, along with instinct I use a software called K-9, hubby and I have different computers so my computer is password protected and I always switch off when I am not on the computer. Hubby has k-9 installed on his computer which logs his history which he can not access to delete parts out of. (He knew that if he deleted all his history I knew he was looking at P, so he did delete selectively). With K-9 even if he deletes his Internet browser history, I log into k-9 and can see the true history.

We have certain sites blocked, but by checking his history I can see if he has tried to bypass the filters by looking at softer options.

I know I shouldn't check, but I need it to start building the trust back which is slowly happening. If I didn't check I think I would go crazy, and assume far worse than is true and I am now more open with hubby that I am checking his usage.

I hope you are ok though.

[Abbie]

In XP you can go into the temporary internet files and see components of the pages looked at. This takes some time and gets very boring.

I would suggest you look at the software reviews thread Internet Filter Software & Reviews to see what others are saying (including myself), and see which is best for you.

[EmergingAngel]

Hey sad - while looking into a blocker for myself the other day, I found one that you may be interested in. It is a little bit more than other blockers, but it sounds like it will cover your needs.

Christian Internet filter, Porn blocker, cannot be turned off

It isn't possible to remove it from your computer, and your/his internet activity is filtered and monitored through the vendor. You have several options through the program, including an accountability report that is NOT erasable through the filtered computer. The internet activity is reported to a designated party and is included in the yearly subscription fee. Also, if any changes are to be made to the filtering and blocking, the accountholder must personally call the vendor to make the request. If the spouse is the person that set up the account, the opposite spouse or partner cannot request the changes. Check out the website and see if that meets your needs. Hope this helps you out. =0) Good luck and best wishes!