Writing "The Letter" 101

[cmperry]

I have been thinking about creating this thread since I started writing my letter, I felt I needed help, guidance in writing it. Since none of us know eachothers entire situations I think we could use a thread like this to give in general tips. I hope this thread can blossom into something truley constructive to help us all!

[cmperry]

Being the weird virgo that I am, when I wrote my letter first I listed all of the different things I needed him to know, then each thing on my list was put into a paragraph so I wasn't bouncing all over the place as I usually do just touching on subjects here and there, it helped to keep me focused on what needed to be writen.

[Abbie]

Make it very clear what you are tring to say, and make it assertive so he knows you mean business.

[Searching4peace]

Have them answer these questions for you...of in your case answer some of them for them...so that they can see the effect these things have on you and the people around them. Just a thought...these are the questions that Sexaholics Anonymous releases for anyone who thinks they have SA. Even though they might not fit all of the categories, PA is still a huge part of SA. Hope these help.

1. Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual thinking or behavior?
2. That you'd be better off if you didn't keep "giving in"?
3. That sex or stimuli are controlling you?
4. Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?
5. Do you resort to sex to escape, relieve anxiety, or because you can't cope?
6. Do you feel guilt, remorse or depression afterward?
7. Has your pursuit of sex become more compulsive?
8. Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?
9. Do you have to resort to images or memories during sex?
10. Does an irresistible impulse arise when the other party makes the overtures or sex is offered?
11. Do you keep going from one "relationship" or lover to another?
12. Do you feel the "right relationship" would help you stop lusting, masturbating, or being so promiscuous?
13. Do you have a destructive need -- a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?
14. Does pursuit of sex make you careless for yourself or the welfare of your family or others?
15. Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex has become more compulsive?
16. Do you lose time from work for it?
17. Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?
18. Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible after the act?
19. Although your spouse is sexually compatible, do you still masturbate or have sex with others?
20. Have you ever been arrested for a sex-related offense?

[soooosad]

I haven't actually given "the letter" to my Husband yet so I am not sure how effective it will be but since I just finished writing it I have a few thoughts.

I just wrote and wrote and wrote and got everything out, I tried not to worry too much about how I was sounding or how it would make him feel - it was very theraputic. Then I went back and edited (A LOT!). I made sure 1st he new the reason I was writing the letter was because I truly loved him and that I really wanted us to be OK - then wham - but I tried very hard not to be attacking, using statements like "I feel" instead of "you make me feel" and I tried not to shame him. But I was very firm in what I would not tolerate any longer and tried to spell out how his PA would effect our daughter. I also made sure he knew that I wanted him to quit for him, because he was worth it, that life is short and that he would be happier if he was living it consciously. Oh and I ended with how much I loved him and that my heart would break if I had to leave him. oh and then I copied a couple things that have given me hope - things that were not in my words, to help him see that I am not the only one and that I am not exagerating or being dramatic.

I think I will be giving it to him tonight or tomorrow morning - we'll see how it goes - but if it goes nowhere I am still so very grateful for having done it and very thankful for all the advise I have received here at TTF! - ss (soooostrong??)