i cant take it anymore im going crazy

[karen2008]

i have been married for 22 years this month and porn has always been a problem. last week the day before the fourth i woke up early and noticed my husbands work computer was missing from the kitchen counter i went up stairs to see what was up big mistake there he was naked masterbating. i went in and tried to look to see what he was looking at thats when things went really wrong i have ms and a problem with my bones being fragile he started pushing me really hard hes a retired usmc and very big. i was so scared and upset i ran away i took his phone i guess to feel i had some control over him the situation i had just been pushed down in my own home and completely disrespected he actually chased me from the home while he was still naked. now he says he did all that for my own good so i wouldnt see the porn and get overly upset because i was sexualy abused in childhood. how can you say you knocked your physicaly disabled wife to the gound for her own good its like hes missing something in his head that he can justify anything. to top it all off his job would not take kindly to his using his work computer for porn as he is head of security for a very big firm dealing with top secret stuff in irac i worry so much. now he just seems angry with me like i caused the whole think cause i had the nerve to go upstairs. i dont know what to do. is it common for someone who has a porn addiction to have no compasion no understanding of the effect of there actions. i am sick and i am lost. i know its not alright to be physical with me but he wont listen just keeps saying he was protecting me what a laugh

[FoolishMind]

Hi Karen, I am always sad to greet and welcome another partner to these forums, as it means yet another person, has been desperately hurt and disrespected. I truly am sorry for the position that your in.

I will keep this short, as I expect a number of other members will post some advice from a partners perspective. So simplistically your husband is showing all the typical signs and traits of a PA. I appreciate that that must be hard to digest, and I am truly sorry for not beating around the bush, but out of respect to you, i would rather be direct.

Your H acted in that way, because he has a secret, and if you encroach or violate that secret area he has, he will virtually do anything to defend it. He wants to defend his self esteem, his pride, and any embarrassment that he will already feel from himself.

He will not acknowledge it as a problem, and he will not use many excuses, such as curiosity, or blame you for turning him to P. At times he may even drop down, and show the sad card, and be completely humble to you, and apologise and make promises.

You need to read the following two articles

This is written from the perspective of a partner: Life with a PA

This is written from the perspective of a PA: The Mind of a PA

Karen with all this said, Your H can break this, and you can both support each other. Its not an easy journey, but i have seen many lives transform with clear dedication on this site.

My thoughts are with you. Be strong.

FM

[Dominus]

That is so sad Karen, It must be so difficult for you and I sympathise completely. Foolishminds post is completely correct, your husband knows it is wrong and that is why he acted in such a manner - us men don't like to admit we are wrong so we have have a tendency to blame others or excuse our behaviour. I don't know what your relationship is like otherwise, but assuming it is normally ok then you need to find a time to talk to him about it very very seriously. Try and persuade him to join this site if possible.

You made a wise choice coming here, remember you are not alone and it is not a hopeless situation.

[apachedove]

Like you Karen I also suffer the abuse. Infact a few months ago I had my livein of 8 years arrested. When he got out of jail he was just soooooooo sorry. So now instead of using his hands he uses his words to abuse me.

Just this past week he took the laptop to the bedromm and spent the night watching his burnt porn cd's and M. He never even tried hiding what he did during the night. The last few months I have been spending the nights on the sofa, and he actually seems happy about it.

My problem now is not only the porn but I believe he is having an affair with another man. The last 3 weeks he just up and leaves with this man and is gone for 2 or 3 days. He keeps his phone turned off. The first time he did this I was so worried not knowing where he was and if he was ok. I left many messages telling him to call, but he never did. When he came home he walked in acting like everything was fine. Needless to say I hardly had anything to say to him for days. Now I found out last night when he didn't come home, and once again not answer his phone, that he's out of town with this man. Funny thing is I found in his history articles about how to give good oral sex to men. I can't tell you how sick and anry I am. Now all I'm doing is sitting here just waiting to see when he comes home. Well it will be more then a few days this time before I talk to him. Also I'm trying not to scream in his face that I'm not blind or stupid to know whats going on with this man.

I'm here for you Karen, we need to hold each other up. I'm afraid when I fall I will never get up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[karen2008]

i just wanted to take a minute to say thanks to all that responded. i wish i could say things were better but like the cycle of abuse that im in things are worse i have to pay now for finding his secret. he is so mean the way he talks to me at least before when i didnt know only suspected he talked to me without this constant anger. i asked him about why he took cash out of the account granted it was a very small amount but i know in the past he uses cash to buy p magz he lied and said he had the money if i wanted it back so i called his bluff and said sure hand it over. well it was no surprice he didnt have a dime of it but the anger that followed was so over the top. when i got him to admitt he lied only because i had it in writting via a text message then of corse he turned it on me he said do you really think i want to tell you the truth after the flipant comments you make towards me. oh so its my fault you are dishonest. then i had to sit though him telling me how hard hes working to get better. i tried to tell him he will never get better if hes always blaming me for everything. i sit here in pain my ms is acting up and i know it is a direct result of the constant stress i live under and hes blaming me for everything. i read some of your stories and i know it could be worse. love isnt surpose to be this way i just wanted a partner to fish with i wish i would of looked a little deeper before leaped. regrets i know wont get me anywhere im here now just not sure where to go with this. im very lonly i miss being held i miss being wanted kissed good night. my mother hasnt been with a man in almost 40 years i wonder if your need just one day disapears. take care to all stay strong k

[Avegan]

Hi Karen. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, i can imagine your situation and it makes me so sad. My man always got very defensive about his P use and always made me feel like it was my fault. I had to calm him down when i mentioned it and have proper talks about it, i wrote him a letter because it's much easier than talking confused nonsense for ages!

I hope you can get through this, all the best.

Avegan. x

[Ksmith]

I am a 43 yr old male who is a long time P and MB addict and I understand the guilt and shame of your partners, but to abuse someone physically like that goes beyond my full understanding. P teaches you to objectify women. Some porn gives the illusion that women like to be abused. Your guys have gotten to a point where they need professional help fast to start to unravel the mess their mind is.

If I were in your shoes I would get out of those homes for your safety ASAP. Stay with a friend, family or some shelter. Your guy is gonna need professional help, that will take years to help. Their situation may get worse before better too! If they will get better it will be all dependent on their attitude regarding help. Please do not take all of this to personal. They would be in the same situation no matter who they married or where with. Be somewhat sympathetic for they have lost control and are sick, but get up and get out! You will be exposing yourself to sexually transmitted illness and physical abuse. Love them from a safe distance if you can and come back only after they have started to show progress while in a program. You are a fool if you think you have any power to help out in these situations by yourself. You just run the risk of being the fall guy!

[FairyG]

Karen - and Apachedove,
A belated and sorry welcome from me, too.

Reading your stories, I am completely shocked by your husband/partner's behaviours - the denial and anger is to be expected, as they are protecting something they are deep down probably quite ashamed of, and that guilt and anger will naturally be turned on you so that they don't have to own it. However taking things to the point of physical abuse (and in apachedove's case, an actual affair - regardless of who it's with) is well beyond the point of an expected and acceptable response.

Usually I would recommend you try letter-writing, communication, counselling...but to be perfectly blunt and to-the-point (unlike me, I know!) I cannot suggest strongly enough that both of you find a way to get out of these situations - and fast. Get counselling for yourselves, and get out.
Ksmith said it all very well indeed. Your men need to either wake up and get help (something only they can decide to do) or choose to continue with their addicted lives in a way that is not going to put you at risk any more...and I suspect that when it's gone this far the only way they will realise they have to make that choice is by you leaving.

I hope I haven't been too harsh, but honestly these 2 stories really worry me...when a PA's denial comes to verbal abuse it's bad enough, but if it goes further to including physical abuse there is no reason for you to accept that position of a being stress-release "punching bag". I know it's almost inconceivably hard to contemplate leaving, even when they are treating you badly...I watched my father beat my mother as a child, and it was only after that that she managed to get the both of us away: she was - is - an incredibly strong woman who "simply" had her independence culled by his possessiveness and her self-belief knocked out of her by his verbal abuse until he got too frustrated and turned physically violent also. In our situation it was her love for me that made her realise that I was then in danger also so she had to get us out. So please, find a way to realise your value and stand up for it by leaving - if only because it's possibly the only thing that will get through to a PA in this stage of denial and give your relationship a chance of working, (but hopefully also because you know you deserve better than this!).
Love isn't supposed to be this way, you're right...but is it love if he can hurt you that badly? True, unconditional love, to me, would have the ability to say "I'm sorry, I was wrong, how can I make it better?" when confronted, and make changes to ensure it doesn't happen again. So get out, get safe, then confront him...and find out what he is willing to do to change this unacceptable behaviour. This is not your fault!

Good luck

[karen2008]

thank you all for talking to me. things here have calmed down. my husband has joined the site and seems to be taking steps to stop this. some that were recomended on this site. our church is dealing with sexual problems this month so maybe god is looking out for me. ok not maybe i know he is. im scared to trust that this will work. i still cant be around him with out getting mad. im just trying to do my own thing and stay clear the computer is locked and can only be opened under my password and he doesnt bring his work computer in the house. i feel safe as long as i dont poke the bear as i can be aggressive as well. its weird to say im scared of him but then i see him breaking and getting to the point hes so frustrated he cant take it i dont back off i keeping going and going rather than taking a break i wont stop. i am not making excuses for him im just examining that im not completly innocent in the physical stuff. i am going to find a therapist to talk to that will help me sort it all out. i want to enjoy my life again go fishing laugh walk on the beach the good stuff. its been good to read all your stories and know im not alone but sad to see how big this problem is today. today at church the preacher said satistics show that sexual immorality in christians and non christians is the same meaning its a huge problem no matter who you are it effects us all. so on that happy note ill close. i will be thinking and praying for all my new friend thanks again for the shoulders to cry on

[FairyG]

That's good news! I'm glad that your husband has joined the site and is trying to take control of this problem, and am impressed that he got to that point already...I'm sure he'll find much help here. And I'm glad to see you're going to a therapist also - having someone impartial to talk to can be a huge help in dealing with everything. Good luck!