i cant take it anymore im going crazy

[Searching4peace]

Karen,

I am so glad that you were lead to find this site, I myself stumbled across it a few days ago...and in that few days it has been like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I understand the fear of trust, and the pent up anger that seems to overwhelm and control you...I still have days that I cannot seem to function without wanting to pour all of that hatred onto my husband who is a PA, that will not accept his addiction as a true addiction. I have lived with this knowledge for 4 years, I found out two weeks before we were married, and was convinced for four years that I could change him...that I could make him better...that if i snooped on his pc...or confronted him with questions constantly that it would work. Now after all of that time I have realized that I have pushed myself into a corner of self hatred, that I have become controled by his disease.

I finally decided that enough was enough and that I was leaving, for me this was the key that opened that door of self realization that helped me to seek help. A friend told me to try Al-anon meetings due to my father being not only a sexaholic but a severe alchoholic that took his own life a few years back...when I began to research this i found S-anon. Unfortunatly there are no meetings within 3 hours of me but they do have some amazing literature that has really helped me to get my end of the picture into focus. I have realized how my actions have hurt me, that by trying to change him when he didn't want to be changed I lost myself. I am new to this road of healing, and am greatful for finding this site.

I came back to my husband after 3 months of being gone, when he finally made a commitment to change. My husband has worked hard to make our marriage work, and is coming to realize slowly but surely his addiction and it's true effects on himself and our marriage. He "fell off the wagon" while we were seperate but has worked to stay away from the computer while alone and seems to be opening up more to me, and has cut his general computer time down to just a few hours a day mostly playing video games. "the video game addiction is a whole different show, lol" I couldn't believe the talk we had after I linked him several of the pages in the forums here to read. It was like a lightbulb went off, and he finally saw what I have been seeing all along. I feel there is hope, where there is love and respect there is hope...at least I'd like to believe that. Something that I want to put out there, because I'm realizing that I'm not alone in this. Communication seems to be our biggest downfall...it's as if with all of his secrets through out the years he has forgotten how to communicate with me, and I with him. We are trying to work on this but I still find it hard to let go of the anger, I usually do well for about 5 or 6 days then at the most inoportune times it seems to well up in me. I tend to lash out at him, I realize that this is not how I need to handle this and wonder if anyone else might have some advice on controling that anger for both Karen and I.

[Abbie]

Karen, I'm so sad that you husband pushed you. I am also angry about it. And all to hide what he was doing.

I think it would be a great idea to approach the church with the issue, so long as you both agree to it. It can be a very shameful and embarassing thing to explain to a Priest, but at least you know he is bound to confidentiality and understanding,

I really hope you get through this, with all my heart.

[apachedove]

Over the years I did the letters and I cried and the fights. Nothing worked, I still got the lies and the stuoid excuses. I,m done, I.m working on leaving, didn,t tell him and won,t.

I have more important things in my life then to try and fix a person that doesn,t want to be fixed. Anyways I need to get through the lose of my little boy who passed away alittle over 4 years ago.

[Searching4peace]

I am so sorry apachedove...I cannot imagine what it is like to loose a child. I also have no words to express that will make you feel any better about your situation, only that I truly hope things work out for you. We are all here to listen and try to help if we can. I know that even in leaving a pa you will still have a lot of anger, sadness, etc to work through and hopefully this site can be of some help to you in that journey.

Peace and love
crys

[brulant]

Originally Posted by apachedove

Over the years I did the letters and I cried and the fights. Nothing worked, I still got the lies and the stuoid excuses. I,m done, I.m working on leaving, didn,t tell him and won,t.

I have more important things in my life then to try and fix a person that doesn,t want to be fixed. Anyways I need to get through the lose of my little boy who passed away alittle over 4 years ago.

I wish you all the best ApacheDove, especially in this transition. It sounds like you've been on your way to healing for a while and this is part of the next step. I'm proud of you and may you find the healing that you need.

I don't know if this is the case, but maybe there was a dynamic at work which was a part of needing something else to distract from going through the grieving steps from that loss and now you no longer need that distraction? Just something to ponder.

Suffering a loss in one's life, especially that of a child, can be devastating. I can only empathize through other losses I have had to grieve through or in my readings on grieving and letting go. There are many resources that I read that dealt with the loss of one's child.

I really, really do wish you all of the best and my heart goes out to you.

It is an admirable step your taking and it takes a lot of courage.

I remember my own turning points where it was just time to move (not meant literally, but meant figuratively.... although in your case it sounds like a literal!!) so that I could move on.

I still have something I wrote on my mirror when I was grieving the past the most.

"Your soul lives here"
with an arrow pointing downward so that when I looked at my reflection the arrow pointed to my head.

Its amazing to me now that I so desperately needed that daily reminder during everything that was happening. It was so simple, but it was just the daily medicine I needed. With that daily reminder how could I not begin to not want good things in and with my life!! ; ) It helped fight the depression when I felt afraid of those changes that were needed and when I felt drawn to go "backwards". My resolve definitely grew and I relearned who I was.

Stay safe and be well!
brulant

[apachedove]

What helps me with the loss of my son is,-----when the sky is clear at night I sit in the middle of the yard and look for the brightest star, that star is my son looking down at me, I sit and talk to him. It gives me peace of mind and lets me know that he is still around me. Maybe this sounds crazy but it helps me alot.

Granted I do have alot of anger in me, I guess because of everything that has happened in my life all other emotions I have put away. I know that someday I can bring all of these feelings out again.

TY everyone here, I know I,m not the only one dealing with someone that has a PD addiction. Life just seems so lonely when this happens. And its sad that we are the ones that have to hurt and feel guilty for another persons mistakes.

United as one we can help each other get through this.