finding computer files

[hurtoverandover]

I think my husband is looking at p. on the internet again. He deletes the history so I don't have proof. Where else can I look on the computer for files or evidence he is looking again?

[cmperry]

Install an accountability software, my personal preference is accountable2you

[jasmine]

In my opinion a deleted history is enough evidence in and of itself. However, I understand the need to confirm it, when he stands up and lies to you. One thing I would suggest is checking the cookies. This is where I found it on my boyfriend's computer. They should be under the tab "tools", click "options," then "show cookies." Most porn sites will be very obvious. Brace yourself, this hurts...

[Inshi]

Agree with Jasmine, deleting he history is enough proof but then again they always have an excuse for it. Yeah I used to look at the cookies but then they can clear cookies as well.So if that doesnt confirm your doubts. I would suggest talking to your husband about installing filter software on your pc, if he has nothing to hide then he shouldnt have a problem with it. This sort of software logs all the sites he has been on and you can check it whenever you want. Only thing is, you shouldnt give him the password.It should be something only you know. He might not be too comfortable with it, but have a chat and see how it goes. Its always worth a try. Goodluck!

[Glass_of_water]

I also agree that the deleting of histories has always been a bad sign for me. I have also searched through cookies and have found evidence in the past of P sites.

We now have software installed that only I can access and it logs all the history and can not be deleted. I have also found evidence this way.

I have also gone to sites and just clicked into search boxes to see what has been 'searched' sometimes when history is deleted they don't always delete the search histories. I have also found that he was still looking at P this was.

I look through his junk mail, and see if he has linked his way into P that way, which I have also discovered.

I have become very good at finding things and keeping up as he is getting better at hiding P usage. Although hopefully he is honest now (I have not found anything for about a month), but I still check, and I am sure I will find other ways to check as he finds ways around my barriers.

[FoolishMind]

Quick input from the PA side. I havent cleaned out cookies or history on both my work or home laptop for over 6 months now. The primary reason someone cleans this stuff out, is to hide something. So you are all dead on.

The only thing I clear every so often is cache. This will not affect cookies, or history, so you can still track what someone has done. again Accountability software is a must

[Searching4peace]

I agree with all of the above about how to find the files...but what concerns me is I started out doing these same things years ago...confronting him being devistated by what I saw...these pictures were burned into my brain and I fear will never go away. I worry about how healthy it is to "encourage" snooping and tracking the pa's actions. I agree they need to be held accountable, but I know what an obsession keeping them accountable did to me. I think that a huge step in the recovery and growth of a spouse or significant other of a pa is to be able to understand that it is not your responsibility to hold them accountable. It is not your job to keep them in check. Does anyone else understand where I'm coming from on this...?

[cmperry]

I completely understand, I too have been trying to fight myself from digging, I just have to tell myself it's for my own good. Regaurdless of weather I check up on him or not, when he starts at it again I just know it in my heart, things change and I just know the only reason I started digging was for conformation, err proof. But these things I know will never go away although I wish them gone constantly, it's a hard obsession to get out of as well, but doing it will only make us feel worse. I believe accountability is a must but surely with all these great women we have here we can come up with a constructive manner of doing so!

[FairyG]

Yup, deleted history is a big teller - why delete it if there's nothing to hide? (The common excuse of "to clear up space on the computer" is a crock...the history files don't exactly take up megabytes, so if his computer is in that much need of space he really should get another hard drive!)

Snooping, I wouldn't encourage - I know as partners of PAs we've all done it, and yes it's proven us right about our intuition time and time again...but at what cost? Beyond confirming suspicions, I believe that ignorance may well have been bliss. But it's usually too late for that by the time people (myself included) find this site, as the obsessive searching and looking at all the sites our PA partner has visited has usually been almost as damaging to our psyches as their addictive behaviour itself So all we can do is try to control our desires to snoop in the future...and that's where accountability/site-blocking software actually can be good. You get copies of what sites have been visited on the worrysome computer, and the pa knows that you will see what they've been doing - for someone who's honest about being free from their p addiction it's simply another way of reassuring their partner that they are being truly honest, and it can also provide a "last resort" safeguard if required. My advice would be to use accountability/blocking software if you can...but don't visit any dubious sites noted if you can avoid it, as the images won't fade easily from your mind and they will make it that much harder to move on.

And for the record, the desire...need...to snoop and be reassured one way or another about your partner's internet destinations does fade over time, if your husband/partner is willing and able to prove their trustworthiness and honesty. As long as honest communication is put first in your relationship, time DOES help to heal this wound. I've had to fight myself from digging sometimes also, but thankfully over time this desire has faded. The best advice I could suggest for how to get over that desire is similar to what many PAs say helps them - honest determination to win this mental war, mixed with plain and simple busy-ness: Do your best to replace negative thoughts with positive ones (it can take a lot of practise), and don't give yourself time to worry.