What can partners of PA's do to help them as they struggle to beat their addiction?

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For the Partners...help us draft this important article for new visitors to the site. Currently our Partner article section is severely lacking, and this is an important one. Please reply with your comments and ideas, they may be used verbatim on the site and you will get full credit for your contributions!

Inshi · 06-11-2008, 08:15 AM

From my experience and from what I have seen so far.I think ur partner needs your 100% support.It is very hard for some1 to overcome this addiction without your partners support. They need someone to talk to and turn to, if things get too much for them. The partners of PA's are very very strong people, putting up with this addiction is not an easy task and you need so much strength to block certain things.But having a smiley face, even though you are hurting like hell inside, is a tough task, but you need to show a brave & strong face to your partner, cos they feed on your strength.
Be supprotive and strong, this will help ur Husband,Boyfriend etc to overcome this struggle. They need you to understand the root cause of their addiction, why they do it and how it has nothing to do with you.

Support, support, support!

jasmine · 06-12-2008, 02:12 PM

Be sensitive. If your partner has done his reading, understood your feelings and ultimately made the commitment to quit, chances are the guy feels pretty awful about what he did. As much as you want to remind him over and over again how he gave you ulcers and now you're dying of anemia due to trauma-related blood loss, or how you failed your admissions test to graduate school because of what he did, don't overdo it. He already knows. And he already feels guilty. You need to strike a balance between healing yourself, talking about the things you need to talk about, and keeping a positive outlook for him. It is often very difficult, so you may want to allocate only a certain amount of time dedicated to "the porn issue" every day. Don't talk about it constantly, and don't make him talk about it constantly. Balance is essential in helping him succeed.

devotedtomyman · 05:09 AM

Ironically, a few months ago I asked my guy this very same question. "What can I do to help you as you struggle?" I asked him to type out a letter for me so that I could read it whenever I wanted to. As my partner is actively working on overcoming porn I felt I wanted to do what I could to suppport him. While I am not able to actually help him overcome his addiction, I do feel that since I've pledged my life to him, I want to support him in the ways that he needs. Below is part of the letter he wrote me:

I need a lot from you right now, but know that I feel like I don't deserve any of it. I feel like I have totally failed you yet again, and that makes me feel hopeless. I feel like my struggle is getting me no where – giving up looks tempting. Will these chains ever come off? Please tell me that it will be ok. Tell me that you forgive me and love me still, that you understand I'm hurting too. I can't give up. Hold me and whisper in my ear that you know that I love you still... you know that I did not do this to hurt you. Let me know that tomorrow will be a better day, that there is still hope. I need you so much now. Don't let us fall into blaming each other or saying mean things. But just love me, understand that I did not plan this. Help me get up again and fight. I love you.

What's written above is my goal...I want to show him compassion-even if I don't think in that moment he deserves it. He aleady feels like crap and doesn't need me to reinforce the fact he messed up. I guess I'm fortunate because my guy never blames me for his problem. He admits it has everything to do with him and the choices he's made-he was addicted long before he ever met me. He never blames me, never tells me to mind my own business, never tells me "all the guys do it, its normal." He takes full responsibility for his problem and I think that's partly what enables me to still show him love and support even when he messes up. If my guy acted as though he didn't have a problem or told me I was being unreasonable and that it was normal for guys to look at porn I don't imagine I would have the same reaction.

But this is my own experience and I have found that in our situation showing compassion makes things a lot more bearable for both of us.

justagirl · 07-06-2008, 09:21 AM

wow...both were really helpful. thanks.

also, today my bf and I wrote down boundaries and action plans for getting through this together. for example, as one of our boundaries we agreed not to get physical for 2 months, or longer, in order to get him to stop thinking about sex, i guess to detoxify his mind or wateva, and also for me so i don't feel like im being used.

he also agreed to research and to educate himself about his addiction.

ensure him that breaking his addiction is not for your benefit, but for his. don't take your angerout on him. as depressed, mad, angry, and hurt as you are, let him know you still love him, and that you support him.

sybil · **detox working? -** 08-10-2008, 04:23 AM

Hi Justagirl, I'm a newbie now and was wondering how the no sex detox was working. After questioning my hubby up and down for 21 days, I've come to learn quite a bit. this has been good and bad. i'm trying to understand, but it also hurts like hell. i've tried to hide my feelings, but i was never any good at lying. anyway, back to my original question. my hubby says being empty, recently had intercourse, helps him to restrain the P urges. So i was wondering how your detox went. It's something that has crossed my mind. we are both getting tired of talking about this and just want solutions, anything, anything that might help even in the slightest. any insight? sybil

justagirl · 08-12-2008, 11:56 PM

Hi Sybil,
we are actually still on the detox. it has worked SO well. i had always felt kinda obligated to be physical with him, especially since he was watching p, i felt like i had to keep up with what he was watching, idk does that make sense? but anyway, never hide your feelings, he needs to know how his actions are affecting you. my boyfriend was pretty moved when i told him, quite brutally, exactly how his actions effected me. So anyways, the detox...
...we are still on it, by HIS request. he is having to regain my trust, and the detox has really helped with that. we have been able to get to know each other all over again, and even better. neither one of us expects to become physical with another, so there is no sexual tension with us, like there used to be. granted sex is a major part of a serious relationship, this period is to help both of you heal and cope with the situation.
also, because of the detox, i no longer feel like a sex object to him at times. the detox had made me feel more valued to him. basically, it has worked so well, we've decided to extend it, because it has added so much to him stopping his pa, my healing, and our relationship as a whole. i encourage you to try it, especially if you are feeling pressure to have sex in order to keep him from watching p. not having sex will be difficult at first, but eventually, because he knows it's not an option to him, he'll stop thinking about it so much, not completely obviously, but still.

hope that helped...anyone else have anything to add to this?

slowlybecomingbitter · **Our Plan -** 09-23-2008, 03:09 PM

I posted this in my journal and I will continue to update on my journal but I felt like this entry might be helpful in this section as well.

Well my bf and I set up a trial plan. We pretty much left it at this:

-Recaps on Sundays, this allows me to prepare myself and gather my good graces up and prepare to forgive if necessary. This in turn allows him the freedom to not have me breathing down his neck every day and every week.
-If he feels the need to tell me during the week then thats his deal. I can't be his mother and get him to tell me the truth whether I ask for it or not.
-He is not being honest with himself if he is telling little lies therefore he is not growing. And ultimately I know he wants to grow, he has said it a million times and I truly believe it.
-Each week he is going to be honest about whether certain measures he has put in place to help him have honestly helped him or if we need to add or replace a measure.
- Each week we both are going to choose something specific to this journey that we are going to work on, and we will evaluate that in ourselves on sundays.

So, I will let you know if this works or not, so far its been helpful.

SBB

juliette_haiku · 10-08-2008, 05:40 AM

Justagirl, thank you so much for your post! You are so strong and this detox is exactly what i want to try with my gf, who is dealing with PA. it's hard for me because i blame myself for the addiction, feeling as though a big reason people look at P is lack of love. I want to show her the extent of my love as often as i can- and i think sometimes i get caught up in the idea that this must mean more sex. (and i totally know what you mean about the 'keeping up with P' thing) But your detox sounds so helpful, totally rejuvenating- and progressive for both sides. I honestly think that may be the highest sense of love right there- showing them that sex doesnt have to be meaningless and lonely, as P presents it to be, but instead something mutual, safe, and romantic.

seeking help · 10-25-2008, 04:20 PM

Something that helped me was to decide what I wanted out of life and then to begin to build the life I wanted. I wrote out the areas in life that were top priority for me. I ended up with 8 life priorities (family, friends, finances, career, personal growth, skill development, spirituality, personal appearance). I then decided what goals I wanted to achieve in each area. Next, I listed what steps I could take to meet those goals. I now include some of those steps on each of my weekly to-do lists.

I found this helped me to focus on taking responsibility for myself and rebuilding my life rather than being preoccupied with my husband's problems.