What can partners of PA's do to help them as they struggle to beat their addiction?

[Loving_FGL]

seeking help:

I found this helped me to focus on taking responsibility for myself and rebuilding my life rather than being preoccupied with my husband's problems.

That sounds like a good way to look at things, thanks.

[BetsyRoss8]

I wish I had read this thread a while ago, but nevertheless, it was very helpful and I'd like to share a few things that really helped me:

1. I have learned that sex is something that a lot of people think is the most important thing in a relationship, but in fact, it is a small part of a much bigger dynamic in which two people share. If one thinks of sex as a verb, then add the other verbs in a relationship -- laughing, talking, walking, hiking, holding hands, kissing, listening, eating, etc. -- one will notice that there are many important things in a relationship and time and effort needs to be spent on those others things with balance. I have learned that the relationships I have been in that only involved sex were not fulfilling. I missed all the other aspects of the relationship. I am able to enjoy all the other areas of a relationship and not put so much attention into the sexual part of it. It is nice!!

2. I have learned that communication is important, but talking about the PA too much is overwhelming. I love the idea that was mentioned in this thread about having the partner write down what he/she thinks is needed to overcome the addiction. When you have something to read over and over, you rely less on hearing it from the partner, thereby making it possible to have time together for fun things.

Thank you to everyone who has shared in this thread. It was very helpful and enlightening.

[SoinLove]

I've found that having faith in him, is really important. Chances are your husband/bf is feeling pretty down about himself, and a lot of times they feel like they're not strong enough to do it. Having confidence in them, and faith that they can do it should help. I know it did in my case. When your always questioning, and doubting, it can make it worse for them.

[SeekingFreedom27]

My girlfriend knows about my addiction. One of the first things i did when we got into this addiction was to educate her about what I'm going through. I never promised her that I won't watch P again, but I promised her to tell her whenever i relapse.

My gf have shown me a lot of support, love, attention, affection and closeness which sort of helped me to maintain a sober mindset.

A former girlfriend of mine back in 2008 was usually belittling me, telling me what a great liar I was, that I shouldn't label this as an addiction, that it was demeaning to women and so on. When those constant reminders were thrown into my face, it made things even more difficult. Such responses from my SO appeared to be a trigger in itself.

I don't justify what I did, I don't sympathize with how i hurt my ex so deeply, how i betrayed her or anything else that I did.

But my strongest encouragement is. Don't belittle your partner, don't remind him of all his flaws and failures. When he took the step to recovery, it means that he is aware of the parts in life he failed at.

Support him, show each other love and so on. But also don't forget something,you are both affected from this. He will need time to get himself back on track, and so do SOs. Don't forget to work on yourself too during these hard times. You will naturally see improvements in your relationship when he get some recovery under his belt.

When I quit P, me and my girlfriend fight less than usual, connect deeper and feels better around each other.

This is just two cent from an addict in recovery and who slept out in a cold winter night before.

[livelaughrun14]

devotedtomyman,

im kinda in the same situation...my boyfriend has taken full blame for what he's done. his addiction has gone back before we even met as well. and when we became boyfriend and girlfriend he was capable of quitting for 4 months but now its started back up again and im trying so hard to stay supportive but i feel like im losing it...and to tell the truth i honestly am.

after reading what you wrote i see im doing everything wrong and im not helping him. i constantly tell him im upset about this all, hoping he'll see how upset its making me and try harder to stop but it's not working. what im doing is wrong isn't it? just all this leaves me terrified of whats yet to come if this doesnt stop. it will tear us apart and i dont want that to happen...ever. We are both in high school so its hard to be there for him when i dont even have a liscense to drive and get him when hes tempted and get him out of the Devils grasp.

its just hard to stay strong for him when im breaking inside.
~Maygan