Understanding your partner's porn addiction, why does he do it?

[lightseeker]

Hey to all, i was reading this post and i have found a beneficial article which should help in answering the topic of this post, i am going to post this again in the general section for all to see but here is the link:
1. Lust and the Primitive Brain | Reuniting

I have said in a previous post about how many of us are introduced to porn from early school days, so i think for many it starts here. For me i am the same, i need porn if i need to masturbate and i guess due to a lack of sexual relationships it just became part of my life, we dont realise how damaging porn is until its too late, its very deceptive.

[ConfusedKate]

I do know that females can also be addicted to P but in my case it's my SO. I do not understand why they lie (his excuse is it is entertainment, don't be hurt.) I think there is some embarrassement for him because he doesn't want to me to call it P, it's only entertainment. He says it is not a problem but to be honest he has EVERY excuse not to be with me.."I'm tired, my back hurts, my testicals hurt."

The only time he wants to be with me intimately is when I have had a few drinks. And of course I don't trust him at all. I feel justified in my anger...why shouldn't I be angry? He hurt me badly. I feel like s*$# about myself. I cannot compete with those images, I don't look like that. I am a normal everyday woman. I am honest, attractive, compassionate and kind. WHAT did I do to deserve this? Is it me? Am I not enough? ~X(I disect myself at all times.

Question for PA's...Is it possible to look at P, get turned on to the point where you have an E and not MB? :-<

[mcp]

Hi Kate. Welcome to the club. It's so odd, but seriously, read the other posts from SO's here. We all feel those same exact feelings. We all hear the same old stories, the same excuses. It's not you... it's him. I swear, it's not you. don't feel bad about yourself. You have every right to be angry. No body can compete with digitally remastered people. I don't have a hair and make up team, I am not getting paid to perform. We all do crazy passive aggressive things to feel better. It works, for the moment. I like to say, if I looked like that, would I be with you? But that is just my way.

I know you hurt, I know it sucks, I know you are angry. The important thing is you. What, have a heart attack from being upset? Nah... Ps, tell him that his testicles wouldn't hurt if he would leave 'em alone.

So for now, come in here, vent like mad, get it out of your system. Then figure out what you are going to do. Keeping in mind, you can't control him or his choices. You do control your choices though. Either stay or go, up to you. As you will see from here, there is a combo of both go'ers and stay'ers. Work around it, or don't. Nobody judges. We just read, comment, make some smart a$$ed comments, but mainly, sympathize and support. Our support systems at home are in the dumper, so we just come here. We can talk openly cause we don't know each other. Like group therapy, with a shroud of secrecy. good stuff... I am so grateful to have here to vent. I had a crazy weekend of hating on my PA boyfriend. But, can't sit in that crap for too long.

If you read some of the PA's journals, they will sound like the line, just entertainment. It's all bs. Peace

[lightseeker]

Hi confused Kate, Welcome to the site>:D<,
i hope you find the support you need here, as MCP said there are many other SO's here that can relate to your feelings and hopefully help you understand and get through the difficult emotional turmoil you are faced with.

I have been very busy lately, and hardly get time to post on here anymore, i just saw your post and wanted to just write a quick reply.

As a PA, i am still learning about this addiction, i do not fully understand the reason how i became addicted or what drives me to binge on porn, i need to see a counsellor to help me understand my own individual issues and figure out what is going on in my head, i am starting to think it is purely a coping mechanism and especially at times of boredom and when i feel down and depressed i turn to it.
I cannot speak for anyone else but in my own case, orgasm is part of the whole ritual - i will look at porn for the whole reason that i want a temporary fix of pleasure to escape problems and make me feel better. I used to binge drink a lot when i was in college and also i used to smoke a lot of weed, and whenever i tried to cut down on one of them, i would do more of the other. This is what has brought me to the conclusion that i have some psychological issues which i need to understand and deal with, perhaps from childhood i do not know, and throughout my life i have used things like drink and drugs to deal with certain issues. I quit these things a few years ago but now i seem to be having an issue with the porn. So for me i cannot see the point in looking at porn to get an erection, it dosent work like that for me, i know i am addicted because once i start looking at porn its like something has taken control of me and i cant stop until i reach climax. Even this is embaressing for me to say, it is so hard to talk about this stuff, i know on here no one knows who we are butstill i feel sick to my stomach sometimes.

In my opinion, if a man has alone time and is looking at porn, he becomes aroused whats he going to do, walk away? I dont think so, once a man is aroused he wants to finish end of story. If a man and wife are having intercourse, and the man has not reached orgasm, how frustrated will he get :)? Anyways dont know if everyone agrees with that but thats my view on the matter.

Hope that has been of some help.

[ConfusedKate]

In my opinion, if a man has alone time and is looking at porn, he becomes aroused whats he going to do, walk away? I dont think so, once a man is aroused he wants to finish end of story. If a man and wife are having intercourse, and the man has not reached orgasm, how frustrated will he get :)? Anyways dont know if everyone agrees with that but thats my view on the matter.

Hope that has been of some help.

Light...that's how I see it but then I am the SO and still looking for answers. I just do not see the point of getting aroused to that extent and being alone and not taking care of it. The hurt just consumes me and life as I knew it is gone once again. Thanks for the insight. Best wishes. Oh and hey, Dude for the honesty you used BIG BIG kudos...^:)^

[lightseeker]

Your welcome Kate,

I think especially for the new SO's on here it is important for us PA's to discuss our perspective and experiences on these things. From my knowledge, i think most PA's dont realise at first how much this hurts their SO's, although i am single, before i came on here i had no idea how this affected you guys,amongst other things i think due to the society we live in and how we were influenced by friends while growing up has led us to beleive that porn is no big deal and that our partners shouldn't be bothered about it as it is normal, everyone does it, etc etc! So expect your husband to be (unknowingly) insensitive to your feelings at first purely due to ignorance and the fact that he honestly believes that its no big deal. When your both comfortable, get him on here and let him read some of the SO's posts. With knowledge and understanding hopefully he will realise just how severely this 'no big deal' problem has hurt you.

I hope the both of you make progress and that you start to feel better soon.

take care

[justsomerandomdude]

Maybe my story can help some people understand the seriousness of PA.

Apart from PA I have suffered from addiction to stimulants and the "high" of P, especially extreme P, can easiliy be compared to amphetamines/coke. The problem with P is that is

a) free
b) available anywhere
c) more or less socially accepted, especially among males
d) connected to the natural wiring of your brain to like S
e) S and P is connected to shame and guilt in our society, which makes us less inclined to deal with our issues in time. When it comes to drugs, it can even appear "cool" to go to rehab. People "out there" don't think there is anything "cool" about going to rehab for PA.

None of this is true for drugs, which makes P a very serious addiction to fight. Expect a long journey to recovery and understand that what the person needs is understanding, not blame, because it will only make him feel even more guilty than he/she does already, he/she will withdraw and maybe build a mental wall between himself and you. His parents probably already programmed him to feel guilty about anything related to S and P (at least mine did), he does not need more of that right now.

If you feel this is too serious for you to deal with, then maybe it's better to be honest with the person you are with and tell him that you wish him good luck on his journey, but that you cannot handle it.

Wish everyone good luck on their journey, PA or not.

[SeekingFreedom27]

Honestly. I believe that there is more to it than just getting turned on.

1. PA often uses P as an escape which end up blending their senses. Instead of going through pain as a natural part of human life, a escape is sought. Many SO tend to think they are not adequate/good enough sexually or that they are not beautiful enough. Often this is not the case.

In fear of seeming selfish, I can really only write based on my own experience. But I dated women who were very attractive and beautiful. I still acted out.

2. P have is having a extremely powerful influence on people today, especially younger generation. Even if no case is equal, this compulsion is something your partner in many cases have been having before you even met each other.

3. Lies society myths claim including "all guys do it", "it's normal", "it's being a real man keeping those magazines" (like back in the days i started), mb is healthy for the body and so on. We are in many cases only told the positive sides of things, but rarely the dangerous part of things. Like everything else P has a negative price that many of us unfortunately had to pay.

4. It's very available, and in some cases just "because he can".

5. Through out the years, real life experience have became a disappointment. P is the only thing that "works" in order to get his/her "fix". When a addict is getting deeper into it, they want to watch more extreme stuff that reality can't really keep up with.

6. A while after starting to recover, it's easy to fall back into the trap of believing "I'm not addicted anymore", "I've dumped it", "a little bit can't harm". The addict will always find a way to justify a/o, but wind up feeling ashamed, depressed and hurt when realizing what a fraud P truly is. P can never replace healthy, real intimacy.

7. This one is more of a personal thing, but I'm sure others can relate to this as well. When we are hurt by hurting our SO we tend to think we can "ease" the pain by watching more P. This normally is a complete failure and is only adding more fuel to the fire.

Just two cent from a humble recovering addict, who been down the road to recovery for quite a few times in life.

[redwingmessenger]

I am an SO of a PA and have come to realize that in his case, he uses P as a stress/boredom reliever. He started out just like any teenager, curious and checking out magazines. The habit has grown over the years and with the internet, he was able feed his addiction with more extreme viewing. It is not about what or who he is viewing, as much as it is about getting into that head space to mb and needing that chemical brainbath. In order to keep the chemicals flowing, he ramped up the content. It wasn't all pretty believe me. To the other extreme, I would find conservative women's clothing catalogs in his special place ... It has taken me a long time to come to the conclusion that I can't look at myself as the one who isn't good enough, pretty enough, young enough, skinny enough... It's not about what I am not... P is his coping mechanism! He uses P as a drug, his addiction is no different than being addicted to a drug, the difference is that it's cheap or free and very accessible. He has told me that he needs it to calm himself... that he can't do it on his own.

What I want to try and understand is how it is physically possible to escape up to 10 or 15 times a day. It has to be very frustrating, like an itch that can't be scratched. How can you view for 10 hours straight and still get anything from it. From what I've read, you literally deplete your brain of the "feel good" chemicals, hense the mood swings and rages. It sounds like OCD behavior, literally risking bodily injury.

[findingneverland]

My SO and I have talked about triggers for his desire to look at P.

1. He "wants to feel sexy." He struggles with a positive self-image and looking at porn and the way people act in it is sexy to him. He likes to view the passion between two people, the noises, and the looks are a turn on to him. He has admitted that sometimes he doesn't feel sexy when he is with me. He has always been concerned with my level of attraction towards him. I believe i do a good job of trying to convince him that i think he is EXTREMELY attractive. His feeling about HIMSELF (and lack of a positive self image) gets projected on to me.

2. He is very stressed with work.

3. He is bored.

4. He is depressed. A large part of his desire to look at p comes from this. He doesn't know how to properly handle his emotions and turns to p to escape from his depression. It is akin to a drug for him. However, by looking at P and breaking promises to me (he has told me he quit, only to find it on his computer again) it fuels his depression even more.