You have caught on to your partner's porn addiction, what are the next steps?

[BetsyRoss8]

Hi

I am new to posting, but have been reading the forums since I discovered that a very dear friend of mine has an addiction to porn. I wasn't sure how to help him, so I came here to seek help and I found it. I am truly thankful for those whose posts have helped me considerably.

When I first confronted my friend with what I thought was his problem, he seemed to open up to me and told me a lot of things that concurred he had a PA. It seemed that he was in touch with this fact for some time and had tried several times (unsuccessfully) to stop viewing porn. I was ready to support him (having been a person in recovery from an addiction) any way that I could. But eventually I found that when I was talking to him about how his behaviors were inappropriate, he would give me all kinds of excuses. I decided it would be better to write him an email where he could read it and re-read it when he needed to. I found the strength to lay it on the line for him at this community :) I wasn't sure what a PA was, and by the posts here, I learned that he indeed had one. In the email that I sent him, I was direct and honest about what I thought and told him that if he wanted support, I would be there for him. But ultimately, he had to WANT to stop. He asked me what to do and I referred him to this site and told him that I read how people count the days they go without P & M.

Eventually, I stopped talking to him about the problem because there were signs that he was doing what he needed to do and I didn't want to "nag" him.

I feel sad tonight because he isn't making it on his own, but I don't know what to do to help him again. Do I just write another email? Do I give him tough love friendship again? I guess after typing all of this out, I have my answer --- I am his friend and I need to do what I need to do to support him. Tomorrow, or whenever I feel like I can write him without any hindering emotion, I will.

Thank you for reading this and I'd appreciate any insight you may have for me and any advice that you can offer me.

I really want to cry, but I know that doesn't help him. I really want to be angry with the porn industry and society in general for objectifying sex and intimacy, but that doesn't help him. I really want to go to him right now and give him a hug and tell him that I appreciate him and the road he has ahead of him will be hard, but that he can do it. I know you all wish me luck. But if this sounds like a bad plan, please let me know as I am struggling a bit with what is best. Thank you.

[buscando]

Oh, there's one more thing you should do: Seek to educate, not to punish.

I have read that when trying to inform others of a problem they are causing, one should try to emphasize the problematic aspects for oneself, so as to avoid coming across as preachy. People don't respond well to preachiness. Here is what I mean.

Suppose Wife discovers that Husband is looking at pornography. Wife's correspondence should emphasize that Wife is hurt. Wife can also mention that in her reading, she has discovered that pornography is bad for men too, such as making it harder for them to concentrate at work and to socialize easily with people. This approach would perhaps avoid the preachiness problem.

Instead of punishing your partner, and this goes hand in hand with writing the letter, you need to educate your partner on the effects of pornography.

How, in one of the most conservative decades in the history of America, did pornography manage to steal the spotlight?

It's a quiet sin.
People are still people.
Technology makes it easy to see what used to be out of reach.
We have a lot more technology near us, more of the time.

Also, I think that people are living unnatural lives. Men are implicitly frustrated at the fact that they are not really able to provide for families any more. Women have taken to abortion in large numbers, birth control is rampant, and women want careers. The whole aspect of life revolving around natural living and nurturing children is basically gone.

I think that artificial food chemicals are also to blame. We are putting a lot more artificial food ingredients into our bodies now than we were even 25 years ago. These cause problems for our health, our nerves, our moods, and more.

[Chey143]

Moonbeam -
My two cents - run.

As far as the other question - I'm sure I'm not qualified to answer. I do know that you have to make it clear it's unacceptable to you if it is. Be prepared for a lot of pain, anger and confusion as you crawl your way out of this black hole. It's easier to run, but if you have something worth fighting for - it's going to be hard - really very hard.

It will break you down - but you might be a stronger person in the end.

[Broken Spirit]

I am in the process of writing an email to my husband now. It is very painful to deal with having to put it down in writing that which has been causing so much hurt, but I am hoping that it will help him to understand the extent that his actions have affected me. I am so tired of the paranoi that has become my life.=((