What are warning signs that your partner might be addicted to porn?

[SoinLove]

You say to use your intuition... I'm having a problem in that area. My intuition says, without a doubt, my bf has been looking at it. He's also had some ed problems as well, and just some weird things going on. But he keeps telling me he hasn't looked at anything. I want to believe him so bad, but my gut won't let it go. He's drives a delivery truck for a living, and he used to look at it at work ALL the time. He can easily go to those stupid arcade things for pocket change with no evidence. It scares me so bad...

[stingerD39]

Well, it's been several months since my ex and I separated, and he is still trying to win his way back. I received an email from him admitting he should have never left for Texas, but still has not admitted to the problem. He does not have internet access and has to go to the local library (where access to certain sites is restricted of course!). He's living with his sister now (had a disagreement with his father and moved out), and she has a computer, but the PA issue must've came into the picture because he can't use it anymore. Oh, and BTW, he's on his 3rd job since he moved out there in December.

I'm not saying that I'm happy about his misfortune, but that I don't care. Knowing that when I come home I can have peace of mind and not worry about what's going on in the next room is a blessing to me, and I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world. I don't like feeling uncertain and insecure because of someone....no one should.=D>

[Kaysa]

All I can say is trust your gut.

He will look different, act different, and just look at you different.

Every-time my fiancee picks me up from work, I instantly know if he has been watching. He looks guilty - even though he tries to hide it..can still pick up on it. He avoids eye contacts, stands awkward and just simply isnt himself.

The best thing you can do - it call him out on it. Make him face up to his sins.

[inadequate]

My husband is a programmer and works from home, so not only does he know his way around computers, but he has to be one one every day.
I used to date an alcoholic for many years, and I told him about the parallels I found with the both of them and their individual addictions. Hiding it, defending it, lying about it...

The more he hid and lied, the more anxious he got. He even developed an anxiety disorder which he had to medically treat because he was getting panic attacks and couldn't function.

He used incognito windows eventually to look at porn. (these don't leave a history or cookies) but I could look at the history and there would be long gaps in the history when he was looking.
(He's a very accomplished lier, so that was never a good indicator for me.)

Now he's let me install Open DSN on his computers, and lets me monitor his internet usage. (there are filters you can use, but I just use it for monitoring now.) He says that being held accountable has helped, but it's been a long long struggle to even get this far. He said that since he's stopped lying, he has been anxiety free. Here's hoping for more.

[SeekingFreedom27]

I don't know with other people. But I actually experience being more moody and irritable. Inability to focus and concentrate properly were also side effects from what P abuse caused me.

Actually I experienced the opposite with sex, i often turned down sex because I was too exhausted from countless amounts of Porn consumption. My body ended up being physically drained.

I did a long term recovery for over a year, but got back into it again. The issue with erectile dysfunction is often a temporary case. It's usually solved by itself over time. Now that I abstained for 2 weeks I feel stuff starting to happen again.

[Steelerfan27]

You say to use your intuition... I'm having a problem in that area. My intuition says, without a doubt, my bf has been looking at it. He's also had some ed problems as well, and just some weird things going on. But he keeps telling me he hasn't looked at anything. I want to believe him so bad, but my gut won't let it go. He's drives a delivery truck for a living, and he used to look at it at work ALL the time. He can easily go to those stupid arcade things for pocket change with no evidence. It scares me so bad...

SoinLove,

Hate to say it, but if a guy used to look at P and he's currently exhibiting symptoms...he's more than likely gone back to a master that he was never really able to beat. If there was a period where he did look at P and you knew about it and then presumably he stopped, then he probably did give it some good effort and maybe was able to stop for a time. But apparently he may have gone back (as many of us PA's wind up doing). At some point he will get caught, won't be able to deny it, he may lash out at you defensively (even though this is in no way your fault), but then there is a possibility he will be able to recover.

See when a PA gets caught it's a bittersweet feeling. On one hand it feels horrible. I was embarrassed, ashamed, mad for some reason, but also sort of glad that I didn't have a secret anymore. See one of the primary traits of PA is secrecy. It's secrecy that presumably allows an addict to avoid consequences (even though we all know there are many consequences that emerge anyway). So once PA's dark secret is brought to light, it basically gives them their best chance to break free of PA. They will have motivation, due to an irate spouse or a desire to not hurt them anymore, they will have a clean slate (since the they aren't hiding any dark secret from their SO), and if your PA bf or husband wants to quit in their deepest heart of hearts, this is their chance. It isn't easy (just read through the recovery forums), but it's possible. Even if your PA SO is trying their hardest, chances are they will fall multiple times on their way to recovery. The main thing is to not let it get where it was. Don't let it become a secretive thing again where the addict feels free from consequences. Also, the addict has to really take steps to do some recovery (like getting on TTF regularly).

As a PA, I read through the symptoms in this thread and see so many that were readily apparent in my own situation. On behalf of PA's, I'm terribly sorry for the pain and hurt I and others have caused our loving and trusting SO's. You deserve so much more, and I'm willing to work hard to give you the husband you deserve and a husband I can be proud to be.

Symptoms (I think were probably caused by my PA):

1. Distance from my SO (who wasn't aware I had relapsed)

2. Not interested in sex. When I was viewing P regularly I really didn't have much of a desire for sex w/ my SO. I was getting my sexual needs filled seemingly so all I needed my wife around for was as a friend really.

3. Had some issues with ED. I'm young so I still didn't exhibit to many problems w ED, but there were some instances.

4. History deletion is child's play. Any savvy PA knows not to delete the entire history lest you raise suspicions. The much more sneaky thing is deleting cookies. Most of us PA's just click the button to delete all cookies instead of painstakingly going through hundreds of obscurely named cookies and running the risk of missing one. One easy clue to know if you're cookies were cleared is if all your normal websites that you are normally automatically logged into (e-mail, facebook, etc) are now logged out. You might barely notice that you have to re-enter you password for some strange reason. FYI, most, if not all, current internet browsers have a "privacy" mode which automatically lets you browse without leaving cookies or any history. I would even get really paranoid and start deleting some of the logs your computer creates deep in its innards (something my SO would probably never know to check, but that probably any IT guy could look at within 5 minutes). The only records a PA might leave behind in these instances were downloaded files. Most of the time P is viewed by streaming videos, but occasionally one will automatically download by accident when you try to view it. Sometimes the PA is so busy looking at other P, they don't realize that something was downloaded and it is just sitting there in the downloaded folder. This is how I was caught by my SO. She was looking in the downloads folder for something she had downloaded a while back and wound up finding my dirty crap instead.

5. Many computers will have "recent applications" and "recent files" lists. Look for those to be cleared. If I did intentionally download a video to watch, I would delete the video afterwords. Then I would have to open up 10-15 other files so that the P video I was watching didn't show up under my recently accessed files anymore. Separate from you computer OS's recent files lists, many applications (especially video players) will maintain their own lsts of recently viewed media. Thus, after watching a downloaded video I would open up about 10 clean videos on my computer to cycle the bad stuff out of view on the list. If you look at these history's and see a bunch of files or videos have been opened that seem sort of odd for your SO to be so interested in, this may be why.

6. If your spouse has been on the computer, IE you walk into the room and you suspect he or she has been viewing something bad, check the history. It will look pretty suspicious if they were on the computer for an hour or so but there is no internet history for that hour and no other explanation for what they might have been doing on the computer. Not enough to convict a person, could have been playing a game or doing any number of other things, but certainly enough to raise questions.

[Wits_End]

Great topic!