When does that anger go away?

[Glass_of_water]

I am struggling with my own battle at the moment which as connected as it is to my husbands behaviours, is really my own battle to fight.

I am so angry, an anger I have never felt before, and everything my husband does just makes me angrier. I know he is trying to work on his addiction, but that doesn't help with the issue that I have.

My husband and I have been married nearly a year, I found out about his P addiction about a month after we were married. Well if I had trusted my instincts I would have found out at the start of the relationship when I started to type an address in the address bar of my computer and an adult (match making) website same up. At the time he told me my son (8 at the time) might have accidentally accessed it, which I was sure was not true. For the following year little things came up and I would always remember that address and yet I believed him when he swore to me that it wasn't him.

Fast forward to a month after we were married, and I was on his computer and in the google search box came up an entry which was an actresses name then 'nude'. Again I questioned him and he again denied it... I pushed and pushed and he finally admitted it. I asked about the site that had been on my mind from the start of the relationship, and again he denied it. Finally he admitted that he did access this site, and hinted at the extent of his addiction.

I was shattered, I am not even against P, but when I had brought up p he had made comment that he didn't like it and didn't want that in our relationship.

As shattered as I was, I really didn't understand how bad things were, but very quickly all the pieces came together and there was a terrible picture. I made him log onto the sites he was using so I could see what he was looking at. In a two year period he had looked at over 16,000 womens profiles on one site alone (he did not have a profile just looked at the pictures). That was only one site, he used a number of different sites to a similar extent.

How do I get over that?

Certain things seem to stay in my thoughts and I can't get rid of them. Like that the day after we came back from our honeymoon he was mb to p and even added a woman to his hot list (on the matchmaking site) whilst I was at work telling everybody how happy and in love I was.

How do I get over that?

Or that he was unable to 'finish' when we were together and had no interest in being intimate with me during the majority of our relationship and even agreed that I should see a dr as I thought there was something physically wrong with me (having had a child I assumed that I had something wrong). He would keep going back to the p without me knowing, letting me believe that I was at fault for our intimate relationship.

How do I get over that?

There are 1,000 other thoughts in my head that I can't seem to get over. Everyday I wish I had never met him because I used to be a confident sexual person, now I feel like I am nothing. I am married and it was a mistake, I only wished I could have trusted my instincts.

Sorry this thread is long, I have so much inside that I don't know what to do with.

I wish I could stop being so angry.

[Avegan]

*hugs* i know how you're feeling, wish i could give you some advice. There are so many things in your post that i can relate too. Hope you're ok. x

[Glass_of_water]

Thank you Avegan, I am ok (well ok might be the wrong term) but I will be ok.

I must say that my husband is trying really hard, but I guess after a lot of broken promises it is safer to not allow myself to feel anything towards him anymore, because everytime it hurts a little more.

For all the women who can stay strong and support your husbands through this, you must be amazing strong women, because I have always considered myself strong and independent, but this has reduced me to a point where I never thought I would be.

[stingerD39]

Glass (for short),

I know that your husband has admitted to the problem and is trying, but being sorry in life doesn't guarantee forgiveness from anyone. It's a cold lesson to learn, but true. It's like when you find out your friend betrayed you, but decided to come clean because of an attack of conscience. When you don't forgive them, they say, "But I was honest with you? Doesn't it account for anything?" You are not a light switch. It takes time for him to earn your trust again because it took time to lose it. He is walking on eggshells right now, and will probably have to do it for awhile. Only you know where the end of the line is, but remember that you will be okay regardless of what happens.

Mine has still not admitted to a problem, but he did come to our bed last night (trying to prove a point, don't know). I wasn't sleepy and went into the second bedroom and fell asleep there.

Off to class! Keep your head up and keep us posted.

[FoolishMind]

Hi Glass,

I can imagine you writing that post with a teary eye yet gritting your teeth with anger. It is very painful for a partner to support someone with PA. The only reason you are still with that person is because a part of you loves him dearly, and also children play a part.

For everytime you have been let down, disrespected, lied too, It would be like punching holes right through you. You can cover those holes up, but you will always feel a cold draft running through reminding you of them.

When does that anger go away? Im sure you will appreciate there is no set answer for that. My relationship with my wife has improved immensely in the last 5 months, but I know at least one moment in every day, she will remember the hurt I have caused her, and that will hurt her so much again by simply remembering a name I have searched for, or an image she has seen from my history. It makes me feel sick remembering it, So her feelings will be ten fold.

I have taken this journey on for myself, to make ME a better person. My wife has stayed with me as she has seen a change in me, One slip up, and she will leave me in a flash. Were all human, and its human nature to remember the bad much more clearly than the good. Thats just our make up. I have been married 5 years, and we have definatley have had some great times, But they have been completely stained by my selfish acts. When i started this journey of recovery, I acknowledged that my wife will not go "Wooopdeee dooo, hallelujiah everythings ok!" I made it clear to myself, that I have to expect that my wife will never trust me again. Im ok with that. My wife will probably also have many bad memories in her head for many many years. That saddens me completely, that thought my grotesque actions, she has to suffer with that, But that urges me more to spend the rest of my able life to fill up her mind with great experiences and good memories of us with the time we have together. Perhaps, just perhaps one day, I will create more good experiences that will eventually push out the bad, but I am not banking on that.

Stinger said something very powerful "being sorry in life doesn't guarantee forgiveness from anyone"

The words Love & Sorry are so commonly used, they have really lost their true power. Especially when you heard it so many times from a PA, and I am positive that most PA's will agree, that addicts in general are great liars.

IT IS NOT ALL WOE! People can change Glass! People can turn their lives around, Relationships can go through some serious stress, but come through shining and stronger than ever before.

If your partner is focused on why they want to clean up their act, If your partner communicates with you, You will see changes, and this should help feed your strength to numb you mind at times to the reflections you get and the anger you feel.

I wish your husband the strength to counter his PA, and I wish you the strength to see through the tough times, and ultimatley both of you find a new improved relationship.

FM

[Glass_of_water]

Thank you stinger,

I have felt so guilty for not being able to forgive him when I know he is trying and is sorry. Some days everything reminds me of what has happened and it feels like I am going crazy.

Foolishmind, thank you for the time in responding, you were right I did type that message with tears in my eyes and gritted teeth. You are also right that the bad will stick in my memory much more than the good, it is the memory that will be triggered by something on tv, a billboard, a flippant phrase somebody has said, a small action, everything seems to trigger these bad memories.

My husband is trying, and I know he is, today is his day off work and he is leaving the house at the time he drops our son off, spending time out of the house, meeting me for lunch, doing more out of the house things, and only coming back home when he picks our son up. He knows that he can't be in the house alone and whilst there is another person in the house he is ok.

Thank you,

[jasmine]

Glass_of_water, I once talked to a friend about what I was going through, and he told me, "Yeah, it's called forgiveness, Ever heard of it?" Then he walked off. That really hurt. Forgiveness is not that simple. It is more than a word or a "talk." It takes time, and healing. Before my boyfriend betrayed me, I prided myself on being incapable of hatred, never raising my voice, and loving all people unconditionally. People always told me I was too nice, and maybe I was...

But his porn habit changed who I am. I realize now that I am not only capable of hatred, but I am capable of expressing it to my boyfriend in the most bitter and hurtful ways. So the saying is true, "Hell hath no fury..." I fight with him all the time now. We fight before we go to bed at night, when we wake up in the morning, at the grocery store, at the Little League games. We fight when we're together, we fight when we're apart, we even fight in front of each other's parents.

My biggest mistake was thinking that this kind of thing could never touch any relationship of mine, that I was too successful, or too pretty, or in some way immune to this kind of thing. Not true. I, too, have found him searching " ________ nude", among other things, in the search engine, and this happens to be one of the more painful things: knowing that when we cuddle up to watch a movie together, he's logging that actress's name in his brain and waiting until I leave so he can look her up. I still flinch when I think about it. So, my answer to why are you still angry is, "How on earth is it possible to not be angry?" In less than a month, I went virtually from sainthood to intolerable b***, and I never thought it could happen.

I believe that what he has done has changed us forever. I can never be that innocent, that naive, that confident ever again. I will never have high self-esteem no matter what. The only way I can describe, in a nutshell, how he has changed me is "less happy." I am disappointed by him, by the world, by love, by hope, by friends and by life. I will never be able to eat ice cream without thinking, "I'm fat." I will never be able to watch a movie without thinking, "He wants to cheat on me with that actress." There are things in life I know I will never enjoy again because of what he's done, and I have come to accept it.

What they have done to us is permanent. In time, anger and hatred have become a part of my character that never existed before. It is so scary, and I know exactly what you mean: this is not me. This is not the relationship I dreamed of when I was younger. These are not the feelings I wanted in my life. But, ironically, it is the one who teaches us to love so deeply in one direction who also teaches us to hate so deeply in the same vein.

[Glass_of_water]

Jasmine, that was an amazing post, not just beautifully written which it was, but do descriptive of everything I feel and my experience so far.

Everything has changed, including me. Like you I am shocked at the person I have become. I am not a nice person anymore, I am full of anger I never knew I was capable of and like you I say the most hurtful things when we fight, just to make him feel like I feel, and I hate myself for that. I am neurotic now and un-trusting, where before I thought I had a great body, now all I think about is getting surgery and losing weight to make me more... well.. you know...

Sometimes I think my anger continues because my husband thinks that when I am not yelling at him, everything is fine and he goes back to normal (My husband has Aspergers). So when I stop yelling he stops trying to stop the p, when I stop yelling he goes back to what he was doing before. Sometimes it feels like I have to keep yelling otherwise in two weeks I am going to be going through this again. An example of this is that my husband will only read what is written on this site when we are having a fight and he knows I am cranky and I know he only does it to stop the yelling, but when I stop the yelling he stops trying and it all starts over.

I am so frustrated and angry and I just want it to stop.

When we were first together I loved him more than I could ever imagine loving anyone, now I don't know if I will truly love him again, most of the time I don't even think I will even like him again.

I think the point that is the hardest, is why did he do this. He chose to do this, I didn't, he chose to ruin his marriage, and I just wish he would leave.

I don't want to fight anymore, there is nothing to fight for. The whole relationship was based on lies and I don't see anything worth saving.

[stingerD39]

You know,

Sometimes we try to take an approach of "trying to be big" about a problem without going "off", but it's hard. When someone has the attitude that you should be forgiving or strong or whatever, they are putting additional pressure on you to actually be strong for the both of you. It goes back to being taken for granted.

We all have a responsibility to acknowledge to ourselves that it is OKAY to be angry and that we don't feel like being strong all of the time. For some, the feelings just simply run out. For some, the feelings overflow. It's exhausting going on this emotional rollercoaster, but the ride ends eventually. Only you know when it's enough, so don't gauge whether or not he leaves on your happiness. Part of him is already gone, so trust your gut and yourself.

[devotedtomyman]

Glass of Water,
Be angry...Sometimes that makes me feel a little bit better because when I feel angry I don't feel as vulnerable. It helps me protect myself a little bit. I'm so sorry about your situation. I think most of us can relate to your post quite well, because to some extent we've all had those bitter feelings towards the guy that is supposed to protect us and care for us and show us respect. Yet time and time again they choose to return to the addiction regardless of how it makes us feel. I guess that's part of the problem...I hate the way I feel about ME after finding out stuff about my guy's PA. I always feel ugly, disrespected, unattractive and just not quite good enough. I hate how my day is automatically ruined when I find out he's made bad decisions that day. I don't like the feeling of being on edge all the time and wondering "how is this day going to end." I almost feel like his PA has control over me too because it determines my attitude towards myself and how I feel about me. I think the anger stays a long, long time. Some days I'm not angry at all, but other days I still am-a lot.

Something I've tried to start doing is thinking positive thoughts about myself throughout my day. Very often I get negative feelings about myself or my relationship and its constantly bringing me down. So I attempt to push out that negative thought and replace it with something positive about myself. Sometimes the thoughts are as simple as "I did a really good job at work today" or "I luv these shoes that I'm wearing today." I find that these positive thoughts help me push out some of that negativity that I'm feeling and it lets me focus on something that I like about myself. Some days its very hard to do, but I have to say that I'm sick and tired of letting someone else's addiction get me down day after day, month after month. So while I can't do anything to change his behavior or decisions, I can choose to be kind to myself and think better things about ME...Because I'm worth it and so are YOU.

Keeping you in my thoughts,

Devoted