The ADDICT and our MEN are ONE

[betrayed family]

How many different terms have I read and heard this addiction called?
The Beast
The P monster
The Darkness

How many different ways has the addiction been described as though "IT" is an entirely seperate entity
IT is lurking...
IT is always calling to me...
IT is waiting....
IT is so strong...
The addict in me....

I have a very difficult time understanding this....
What do these statements mean?
What does this accomplish ?

In my thinking, Thinking about this ADDICTION, or any other addiction, as a SEPERATE ENTITY ( the beast, monster....ect) does NOT allow OWNERSHIP (I did this..) of the addiction or allow for the addict to take responsibility for their actions or recognize the effects their actions have caused in others lives. Not only does this way of thinking not show OWNERSHIP of all the addict has done .... I feel this thinking is also very dangerous for recovery. If an addict allows himself to seperate himself from this other entity (p monster, beast ,ect.) , How can ANYONE be responsible for the actions of another... thus he is NOT at fault if the BEAST wins...

Any input??
Thanks for your time and sharing in advance.
Betrayed family

[FoolishMind]

Hey Betrayed family, I understand your point, and the perspective you have chosen to understand this. However, I see it from a completely different perspective, hence I wrote "the mind of a pa" to explain the two sides.

While I understand you would see the references of Beast, P monster etc, as a separate entity, (which grammatically, you are correct), I see it as secondary part to us, a crappy part of our self conciseness.

Ask every SO here, if without the P issue, is your husband/boyfriend/partner not the perfect person. They would all say without hesitation, absolutely yes, and how much they love them. But bring in the P element, it destroys all the good.

Therefore to positively make an effort to deal with this, there has to be some degree of separation, to enable you to focus effectively on the part that is causing the problem.

So if I split myself in two and say there is the good FM, and the bad FM, I am not saying if the Bad FM acts out, its not my responsibility. Quite the contrary, I am saying I need to ensure that I make the Good FM so damn strong, that I can overpower the Bad FM, and allow the better side to effectively take over, and wipe out the Bad FM? (possibly thinking of it like a territorial battle of the whole person?)

From several years of engaging with PA's on this site, I actually have never come across anyone that has used these references and not claimed responsibility. It is very much, "the beast" within, The P Monster within. etc etc.

Its my perspective of course and a subjective one, but in the grand scale of things, it is just ONE factor, and ONE tool that works for me in combination with array of others, that assist me greatly in trying to understand our weaknesses, negatives and areas for improvement. and Not only in the topic of Porn, but being here for over 4..5 years I am significantly a better person in every aspect of my life, that I was when I first joined. at the very least 50% of that is due to my thought process nurtured through TTF.

Stay Positive!
FM

[DesperateHousewife]

I agree with you BF. There is something a bit nagging about this tendancy to create a distinction in relatoinship to an individuals pornographic indulgences. It always sounds like a cop-out or blame-shifing to me. And, it actually does more, IMHO, to keep an individual locked into their own, deliberately established pattern of offense by leaving it as an option, and perpetual excuse.

This is not a third person experience. This is an intrapersonal experience. We are the result of the choices we make, and we won't make better choices if we allow ourselves the availability of failing to do so. You are what you DECIDE to be, not the result of random happenstance. In fact, neurological science validates this fact. Even when we have established habits of thought and practice, we can habit, think and practice our way to new habits, thoughts and practices which will ultimately replace the old habits, thoughts and practices The way we do it is to DECIDE. We are never out of our own control, EVER.

Even if this behavior began and was established in childhood, in 'ignorance' (ignorance here being used lightly, because even small children know it's wrong, and that's why they hide it instead of joyfully telling their parents about this wonderful thing they found that makes them feel so 'good'), it is still the result of deliberate choices. After the 'ignorance' of childhood (again, used very lightly) reasoning has exceeded its shelf life through the years that follow, bringing a person into adulthood, a person becomes even more accountable to the decisions they make and are held to the higher standard of ownership. There is never a time that a porn addict is beyond their ability to make the right decision, except for when they decide to make the wrong one.

There is no, "I can't do this." There is only, "It's too hard, I don't want to."

That's my story, and I'm stickin to it.

[betrayed family]

Thanks FM and DH,
Right now for me this is a very mental dilemma ...
My mind is on overtime trying to put the pieces together... to try to gain a deeper understanding of addiction.
I do know that addiction exist.... and are beyond all RATIONAL explanation... as Mell continues to say..." I can't explain it to you in a way you can understand " There is NO rational explanation!!
I am not an ADDICT.. (I have actually prayed to walk in his shoes just for a short time so that I could feel the struggles, the burden)
They are not SO's... (I have also wished Mell could be in my shoes so he could feel my struggles and burdens)
That cannot happen... so... How do I make sense of any of this.
When my emotions are all over the place.... rational thinking tries to calm the way..... figure things out ... as a protection from a repeat injury.

How did I get here? How did I NOT KNOW ?? How can I trust my own perceptions of what is REAL?? How do I understand the seperation of "Good" and "Bad" in one person.... the Mell and the Beast .... in my husbands body??
Still thhinking.... Still hurting....but NOT quitting on me.
Be Safe
Betrayed family

[Disillusioned]

The answer is quite simple, really, although it's amazingly complex too! I know, it's BS. Simply put, our men have trained their brain to rely on p to reduce the internal stress in their lives...How? By viewing P and MB, oxytocin is released. This is a bonding brain substance meant to reinforce the union of mom and child and two parents. In using p and MB, the brain realizes this is good, as in, this settles me down and I feel better. Without any conscious awareness, by repeated use, they have sabotaged their own brain and oxytocin, so the brain calls for p, which is the first step to feeling better with the arrival of any unmitigated stress. Sad, Isn't it? Something that was designed to keep us together as a pair, subverted into something that pushes us apart, makes a man less available to his spouse, and leads to his destruction if he isn't smart enough to stop on his own.

No bones about it, it was our men who went to the web sites, mags, etc. with lust in their hearts and fed this lust. It is lust that is the beast, and p that helps feed that lust and use of other people, strangers, as mere objects for their lust, but it was P and their own oxytocin that took their brains for the ride that ended in addiction, happening in secret, just as the lust that took them where they shouldn't have gone. Right in their skulls, P became their master, and they invited it in and came to p as willing, but unknowing slaves.

Aren't you pleased? I did this with economy of words, for a change?