The pain and torture of my boyfriend's porn 'habit'

[Stolensoul]

Hi
There’s not enough room on the page to speak of how my partner’s porn ‘habit’ has affected me. I am using his word ‘habit’ as he describes it as ‘harmless’, ‘a bad habit….like picking my nose’ and he refers to the porn women jokingly as ‘chimps’. This is when I have forced him to talk about the porn, when I initially moved in with my boyfriend 1.5 years ago I just felt that something was very ‘off’.

We women talk about our gut instinct. I think all along I was aware that even when I saw him on weekends we weren’t as sexually active as many couples are in their first year. The first few months of our courtship it was amazing, then I think my novelty wore off and now I notice how he was becoming controlling very early on in our relationship.

I am sorry if I ramble during this account but it is finally so good to be able to share my story with people going through the same things. I have only spoken to a couple of close friends about this and their opinion is that it’s ‘only porn’ and they encourage me to spice things up for him in the bedroom. If only they understood!!!!

When I met my bf I was blonde, petite and a very happy person. I had come out of a difficult marriage and was going through a divorce so a little messed up but I was bouncing back and I was happy. I have always struggled with my self-esteem but I remember the first few months of being with my bf as being the happiest ever in a relationship, he was so attention, I felt so desirable and I was blown away with all the attention.

Fast forward to when we moved in together a year into the relationship. My bf has one friend and no hobbies apart from his computer, he is an extremely good looking man - model good looking - in his early thirties. I always had thought other women would be the temptation.

The problems started with him rejecting my sexual advances at first, I was very upset and offended. An example was a Friday evening when I’d gone out with friends, he wasn’t very happy I was going out (he never said this but this was my feeling) and when I got home...................................... he was rejecting me? I was upset and confused. We hadn’t had sex for days.

Then the computer history was never visible on the computer, this really head messed me! Plus something just didn’t feel ‘right’ between us but I didn’t understand what it was. He told me constantly I was beautiful and sexy and how much he loved me, so why didn’t I feel it? I became suspicious about the computer after a while. He played computer games until 2am some weekdays, excessive I thought. I decided one evening while he was out to check the history on there. Nothing odd apart from one website (I think he forgot to delete this one) linking to a site called '***********’. I was shocked, I brought his attention to this later. He lied and lied and lied. Finally he reluctantly admitted to this porn but he wouldn’t discuss it, wouldn’t share it and said it was private. He said he wouldn’t do it again.

I bought it until we got a virus on the computer a few months later, there were porn sites popping up left right and centre. More arguments, more denial. The worst occasion was after a week of what I thought was great sex and intimacy him turning strange and withdrawn at the weekend. The Sunday he was moody and despite stroking my wrists and being sensual with me, when I responded he almost laughed at how ‘easy’ I was. I was hurt about this, I am a sensual woman and enjoy (or did enjoy sex). He seemed to be encouraging me to leave the house, spend time with my friends.

I left the house quite hurt and realised after five minutes that I’d left my phone at home, I turned back to find the curtains closed in the computer room. He was running a bath and called to me in a panic from the bathroom. I knew I was in for a shock so went into the computer room and looked at the computer history. There were THREE sites already in five minutes he looked at, I’d been gone FIVE minutes. ******************

Again more arguments and more upset. More weird remarks from him when I asked the burning question I think most PA partner’s ask - WHY?? He again said it was harmless, I was out of the house and he wouldn’t do this whilst I was home. I said I was shocked that the women were a lot older than him in the porn and I was only seven years his senior, he said ‘I wouldn’t have a relationship with THAT (as in the women in porn)’. He said he could do what he wanted with his penis when he wasn’t with me and when again I asked if we could share the porn he again said ‘no’. He said ‘would you prefer to be given something or take it?’ I still don’t understand this at all and think his mind must be so warped by this porn.


I asked him why he hadn’t wanted to have sex with me in this way, ....................................... He said he didn’t see me as a sex object like he did these porn women. I really didn’t know what to say at this point!
We are still together but I am obsessed now with this stuff. I have done some crazy things, spying on him, stealing his mouse and bringing it home after work, all sorts of stuff. I am at my wits end.

He was working long hours all through December which worked out great for me as we were having being intimate with him initiating. He said something strange though, ‘I always want it more now because you’ve stopped me looking at my chimps’. I know he had no access to porn as usually by the time he got home I was home too and he usually spent a few hours watching TV with me.

My problem is now that the porn seems to be back and taking a massive hold over him. Since Xmas Eve I’ve had a strong suspicion that he’s been using porn more often and I even fear now that he might have been doing this at night when I was in bed. .............................................. I was hurt and paranoid. I didn’t bring it up with him as didn’t wish to argue about it.

I made sure I was awake until he came to bed then for a few nights I am sure when I woke up in the night removed........................................... .................................................. .................................................. .....................He laughed and said to me ‘I’m not having an affair in my mind’. A weird thing to say.

So he has no work coming in and the house and the computer to himself all the time now. Our sex life is me initiating sex and yes we do have sex but it feels like something is missing. Though I am paranoid about him watching porn and it’s hurt me so much I put a lot of energy into building the sexual connection between us. He said that the emotional connection was lacking between us so I tried to connect with him more. I am now thinking what he said was BS though as he spends most of his time on computer games when we are home together. He said I had tried to ‘own’ our sex life early on and that when I found out about the porn I wanted to ‘own’ that.

I am going crazy with this stuff. I think he is a porn addict, I have though it for a while, he would never admit this though and refuses to go to counselling. He says I should go to counselling as I have the problem with it as I’m insecure. I wasn’t insecure before but am now!!! I am also questioning all aspects of my sexuality as I am wondering what the hell I can do to compete with a fantasy, at least a real woman has flaws and no one is perfect.

There are some good aspects to the relationship, there is a good friendship between us and he has a great sense of humour. He says that he likes his private time, 'me time' but that with me there isn't a problem with this. He said it's strange but he enjoys being alone with me (his words).

I am in despair. I am reading and learning on the internet about porn and sex addiction, there are links with the addiction to men with power and control issues. This is my boyfriend all over, he was badly abused as a child (beaten with a belt) and sometimes I think his childhood is behind all his lying and strange behaviour.

Sorry it’s taken me too long to tell this story but I would be grateful for any advice, is there hope for our relationship? I currently see only two paths - leave or stay and endure what I can only describe as souldeath. Aside from the porn addiction the relationship has been very good at times and it’s killing me that from my point of view I feel like I’m his second choice when it comes to sex.

[2frustrated]

Thank you for sharing. What a grueling time you've been through! I myself am a recovering PA, so I'll give you advice from that perspective.

1. Only he can want to change. If he doesn't want to change then confrontations will only make it worse.

2. His addiction has NOTHING to do with how attractive you are. N-O-T-H-I-N-G

3. Retaliating with manipulations of your own (hiding the mouse, etc.) will worsen the situation.

4. If you want to make him realize his addiction, you'll need to do it in a way that does not seem like pestering. For example, bring up another person you know who is addicted and what they're going through.

5. On the other hand, if you see no hope in his situation, provide an ultimatum and STICK TO IT. "You have a week to clean up and start a concrete recovery plan or I'm leaving." Then have a real plan to leave. Know where you're going to stay. Have your bags packed. (I'm not trying to upset you; I'm just telling you this because ultimately it is yourself you need to respect and protect.)

6. One idea I heard from Dr. Laura--not sure how well it works. Put the computer in the living room, and then you sit there with something else to do, and then tell him, "Oh, I brought the computer in here so you can have some p time. For the next two hours look at all the p you want." I guess the idea is he'll see how ridiculous and shameful his habit is--and that part of the pleasure he gets from it is sneaking around.

Good luck. Hang in there. And remember, he does not look at p because of you. Yes, it hurts, but that's not a reason to invent things wrong with yourself just because he's got a disgusting habit.

[Disillusioned]

Hi StolenSoul, welcome to TTF. We are a diverse group of people here, with one thing in common, and that is that we have all been hurt by p. Your Bf certainly sounds like he deep in the control of a pa,StolenSoul. It is discouraging, because he won't let himself see it yet. Whether or not he will, I cannot tell you. 2 frustrated brought up some very sage points about this addiction and recovery.

If you have been doing some reading in the general discussion area of this site, you will come upon a subject talking about the 14 methods of denial that PAa commonly use to justify p use. You will also come to understand that left untreated and allowed to progress, your bf may very well end up alone in his room with his computer and his hand, not interested at all in anything in the living world. The knowledge of this scared my h into looking into this more. The brain makes real physical changes in response to bombardment by continual p images. The images cause a flooding of neurotransmitters in the brain and temporarily soothe the P user, especially when accompanied by mb. Rats with electrodes attached to the pleasure center of their brains and activated by a press bar they could push on, became uninterested in feeding or being with a receptive female after using the bar for a time. They just wanted their fix, which is very much similar to drug use.
No living woman can compare to the always available, and always perfect women in p. The only thing they want is a man or more, filling every orifice they have. It is unreal and degrading to women, and the results are that the user sees living females in his life as objects, not people with feelings that are as legitimate and real as his. P is all lies, all pretend, and it is toxic. In time what was once seen as shocking, no longer carries the same snap in the brain, and it seems to take more and more graphic and depraved imagery to get the same Zap reaction. Men have ended up experimenting in areas of s-xu-lity that were of no interest before seeing it on the screen. They tend to develop PE and ED as a result of hurrying to release in privacy.
If your man does decide he wants to change this and be involved in his own life again, instead of the fantasy land of p, there are things that can help. Putting in filters that will block that content is one. Another is journaling here and getting support here. A third might be seeing a counselor that is familiar in PA.
Nothing can be done to help him if he won't even acknowledge he has a problem, and one of the things you will learn from this site, is to trust your gut feeling. You are not paranoid and this plague called P really is addictive. Some people who have suffered from other addictions and have experienced successful recoveries say PA is harder to beat. Read and learn. Then talk to your BF and see if this is truly something you want to deal with, or if you decide you must get out.
Investment is your real life is the goal here. Being aware of and able to experience your own feelings and not numb them from p is what recovery for a PA really is. I would rather have real, with wrinkles, pimples, moles, body fat rolls...something that is mine and about two living human beings relating and investing in each other, and not that of P, and the dirty bedtime stories that it tells.
Good luck in making the decisions you will ultimately have to make. I really do hope you hit a nerve in your BF and he picks you over p.