How do you know they are faithful?

[StollenHeart]

It's been almost a year now since I discovered my H's secret addiction. We have gone through all the basic fights, arguments, tears and lies since. I came down too me saying "I leave it up to you to stop....and I will not bring it up again or bug you about it...". But all that has happened is more distance between us, him working late hours, no intimacy, grumpiness, resentment, and childlike behavior with ignorance towards responsability. I feel more ugly and a loser than ever before, and started to actually blame myself for my failing marriage. I found out someone I know was married to a PA for 12 yrs and left him (2yrs ago). When I confided in her with my own marriage problems they matched her H's destructive path to the tee! Scarey though, he went pretty far with his addiction. She said LEAVE HIM because all it will do is slowly destroy me, and he won't change his ways if he is in denial and thinks its ok.I've been thinking about leaving for awhile now, but it is so hard and screy! I have no trust in him and think he is unfaithful .... But can't prove it. My first marriage was abusive and now just when I thought everything was finally ok this happens. Anyone else been married and divorced twice??!!! I feel like such a loser!I honestly have done everything I can to help him/us but nothing has changed.Does this sound normal? Is it time to leave? It's especially hard since I do still love him but can not live like this without trust and getting love in return.

[onward]

StollenHeart, this is not your fault. If your husband doesn't want to change and isn't in active recovery (attending SAA, seeing a sexual addictions therapist, etc.), you must realize your self-worth and move on. Do not let his problems consume you if he is not willing to put in the effort that is required of being the loving, honest man you deserve. If I were you, I'd distance myself from the situation and take care of myself. Work on healing your wounds, see a therapist, find a support group - feel good about yourself and find the strength to move on. I have been in your position and forced myself to walk away. It was not easy, it still isn't, but I am now able to see my personal progress as I rebuild from what I had been reduced to. Best of luck to you, hun! I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation, but you are not alone! (((hugs)))

[JenMac]

Hi Stollenheart,
I am sorry you find yourself in this sad place. It is a heartbreaking situation to be in, especially when we do not see any committment from our partners to change their ways.
Stollenheart, noone can tell you what to do in your position. That decision has to come from you based on your own unique circumstances.
What I can tell you is that you need to care for yourself and build your strength. Determine what it is you need and set your boundaries and expectations accordingly. State your needs clearly to your partner. His response will tell you what you need to know.
Noone should make a long term decision while in crisis and only you can determine if this is true for you.
Stollenheart, I am glad you are here. I am glad you are seeking out support for yourself. That is one of the most important steps you can take.
TTF is an awesome support group. There are many wise and caring people here. I hope you find it to be the blessing that I have.
Wishing you all the best!
Jenn

[stillinlove]

Hi S,
Yes, been there. First marriage stupid kid stuff, second one abusive physically and was a sex addict. And the pattern continued with men I dated - emotional abuse, I wouldn't put up with being physically abused anymore after second one. One day I woke up and it hit me between the eyes.
The pattern was so clear I didn't know how I didn't see it before. I made a commitment to myself and set out to do my own healing.
I put men on the back burner, I wasn't taking any chances. Cause I know exactly those feelings of being a loser, inadequate, ugly, a failure, the list was long.
And I was tired of it. It was time for me to become me, to grow up. And I did.
I am married to #3 - and it took me for a loop when the sh.. hit the fan! I couldn't understand how I attracted him to me, I had to accept I had more healing to do on myself.
While he is working on his recovery from PA, I had had to work on a couple of issues that made me feel shame from how I behaved in certain situations (I used to call it my NY attitude). It feels so good to be free of those behaviors I hated which were glaring.
So, unfortunately, although we hate to hear it, we also, as SOs, no matter what the addiction or circumstances, have to work on our own stuff that has nothing to do with the present situation, except that it pushes our stuff to the surface.