Emotional Detachment

[TooSensitive]

Reading Charly’s journal, this started out to be a reply to her…but it has evolved into my own perspective on emotional detachment, and how that currently applies to my situation. I do not want to hijack Charly’s journal, so I thought it best to post this separately elsewhere.

I know how hard it is to “emotionally detach”. I know, b/c I am doing it as we speak.

I have read how it can destroy healthy marriages and how it is not the right way to solve problems. In the same article, I then read how it becomes necessary to detach, if we are dealing with an addict or otherwise unhealthy person in our lives. The very thing which can destroy a marriage becomes the only thing that will save us, if they aren’t well yet. The addict or unhealthy person will find a way to get well, which can in turn save the marriage, if that is what they decide they want for themselves. Only then should we take steps to “re-attach”, but only if we feel safe enough to do so. It certainly helps, if they have found ways to prove themselves to us in the interim. We have to learn how to value ourselves above them and above the marriage, when we are the only thing left which can save us.

Even though the pull is great, I have learned it isn’t wise to go running back to them too soon, just b/c we’ve noticed some improvement, and just b/c it feels like the right thing to do, in terms of your marriage. This is the mistake I kept making. I’m not doing it this time around. We have to consistently protect ourselves at very high levels, and I think it is best to “re-attach” in stages, and not try to do so all at once. It is in our best interest to identify what is best for us, and not so much what might be best for the marriage, until later on down the road. It is in our best interest to be “selfish” in certain respects such as this, b/c when we try to give too much to them and to the marriage, we end up getting run over again, if they haven’t gotten enough recovery under their belts. They first need to prove themselves to us, consistently. They need to earn back our trust. With each new time they break our trust, it takes even longer for them to earn it back (or should), once they have broken it again. Each new time I am burned, it takes me longer, before I feel I might be able to start trusting my h again. And in the meantime, I am going to remain detached to whatever level “I” see fit, which isn’t necessarily what is best for my marriage. But after what he’s done, I have to keep doing what is best for “me”, not what’s best for him or for my marriage. I am not worried about the outcome of my marriage at the moment – I am only worried about the outcome of “me”.

What my h has more recently done is nearly unforgiveable. The trauma I’ve sustained in the aftermath has been huge. So huge, that nothing before this even compares. It is the worst “sideswipe” I’ve had to endure in our 5 years together. No wonder I have reacted to the extreme I have, by feeling severely traumatized again. But I am taking that trauma and using it to my advantage. It is what is making it easier to detach from my h again. If I remain detached enough, he won’t be able to re-traumatize me in the same ways as before. With any luck, he won’t be able to re-traumatize me at all.

When we emotionally detach, it is important to keep our focus on ourselves. It isn’t wise to have in-depth talks with them. Some of them can be skilled and adept at using what we are going through as a means of distraction and avoidance of what they are going through. All of a sudden, it becomes about “us”, when it is supposed to be about “them”. If they are not able to use our pain as a deterrent against a/o, then it becomes unwise to even let them see our pain to begin with. This is what my therapist has taught me. It isn’t up to me to get my h to see all the pain he’s caused to me by what he’s done; it is up to him to become more aware of his own behavior to begin with and then take responsibility for his behavior. He has to use his own behavior as a deterrent, not my pain. But he won’t recognize he needs to do this until he realizes how wrong his behavior is. And he is the one who has to want to change that. Not b/c it is what might keep me in his life. Instead, b/c he wants to become a better person for “him”. It’s okay if he also wants to change for me, but if he doesn’t also want to change for “him”, then nothing will work, and nothing will stick.

It’s okay if he doesn’t want to change. I can live with that. I have now accepted this possibility. I just won’t be able to continue to live with him if he doesn’t. I am getting strong for “me”, not for “him”, and not for my marriage, either. I am not getting strong so that I can better withstand the next round of abuse. I am getting stronger so that I can stand on my own 2 feet without him, if I must. I am getting stronger so that I can use the next round of abuse as ammunition for getting away from him, not fuel to add to the fire of my pain. I am in this place again where I feel as if there isn’t anything further he can do that will hurt me. Anything further he does will only hurt our marriage. It will only give me more reason to get out. Why would I want to stay with someone who keeps trying to knock me back down again? That isn’t what love is supposed to be about. I am done being patient. I am done waiting for change. I will not re-attach to him, unless it feels safe to do so. I am starting to think that what he just did was the last straw, and that I may not ever be able to re-attach to him again. If I can’t, our marriage is through. This is how far he’s driven me this time. I now value myself over him and over our marriage. With someone like my h, if I don’t, then I will not survive.

I think that in a healthy marriage, there is a balance between valuing yourself, your spouse, and your marriage. In an unhealthy marriage, the wisest thing we can do is place ourselves above all else. If they get well, then you can revisit restoring the balance between all. It’s just that when they are not yet well, they will keep taking advantage of us, whether that is done intentionally or not. That part doesn’t matter anymore, when they keep doing what they do, and there is a long enough history. Even if what they do isn’t intentional, if they don’t learn how to stop doing it, it becomes even harder to keep forgiving. I no longer want to hear, “I wasn’t trying to hurt you”, when he knows damn well that it will hurt me, once I find out.

I think emotional detachment is in the same vein as tough love. It is so hard to do, and it feels like the wrong thing to do, when we love another. Yet it is the kindest thing we can do, b/c it is often the only possible way for them to start recovering, if we allow them to hit their own bottom, as painful as it is to watch them do that.

When we give them tough love, and when we emotionally detach, they will either keep going down, until they hit bottom; or, they are going to use it to propel themselves forward. I think most of them have to hit bottom first. The prospect of losing what they love doesn’t hit them realistically, until they have actually lost what they love. It shouldn’t take that to shake them up, yet it often does. In many ways, my h has lost me already, even though I am still with him. And he knows it. I do not know if it is possible for him to get me back. I am more worried about getting myself back right now. He has proven himself to be a very dangerous person, emotionally-speaking. Therefore, it is in my best interest to do what I must to protect myself from him. It took him breaking the law for me to see more than ever that this is what I need to do. And I can’t stop doing it, just b/c he shows signs of “progress”. It isn’t safe for me to trust that any progress is real. If I never get to that point where I do, then I guess him and I will be through. I do not know where things will land. I do not know which way things will go. I also don’t care right now. “I” will be okay, either way. This is also what my therapist is teaching me.