Abstinence

[Recovering]

Has anyone gone through an "abstinence" period with their partner? My boyfriend's sponsor suggested abstaining from sex for 90 days. I want to do anything I can to help him recover, but it seems that sex is so important to him in a relationship and I am afraid we will grow apart or he will go elsewhere to get satisfaction (even cyber sex). Does anyone have any experience with this?

[waterlily327]

Hi Recovering! My fiancé and I went through quite a long period where we had no form of physical intimacy aside from holding hands and hugs. Honestly, it was the best thing for our relationship when we were so unsteady. It helped me realize that he cared about more of me than just the physical aspects of our relationship…that he cared about me as a person. For me to stay with him, I needed that reassurance that I was more to him than just an object for his addiction. The way that I looked at it at that time was, if he needed physical release more than a relationship, he could go find someone else because I wanted a real, wholesome, healthy, loving relationship...I didn’t want to be an object, replaceable.

If you care about your BF, which you obviously do, this is going to be a scary, stressful period in your lives. I am going to be really blunt here: I think you should do this. If all he cares about in your relationship is s*x, then maybe he is not ready to be in a committed relationship. If he would give up your relationship for cyber s*x or let 90 days of abstinence be the reason that you grow apart, then in my opinion you deserve someone who will be more dedicated, caring, and respectful to you.

Like I said, I did this in my relationship, and it showed me that my fiancé cared about me enough as a person to abstain. We didn’t set a time frame, we just decided we would wait until we both felt comfortable again, until I was sure that he wasn’t just with me for the physical aspect of our relationship.

I strongly believe that this is a healthy step. If you don’t feel comfortable with the 90 days, then try 30 days or two weeks (my stretch was about 4 months). I can only give you my opinion based on my experiences. Every relationship is different, and everyone is different…you need to do, in the end, what you think is the best for you. I know I was blunt, so I hope nothing I said offended you, but I couldn’t think of an easier way to get my point across without saying it the way I see it. Like I said, this is just my view on the matter. Just please, do what is best for YOU! It isn’t going to be an easy decision, so good luck! (By the way, I think it is really positive that your BF is already in therapy!)

[Recovering]

Thank you! We went through a LOT of hard times and a few break ups before things got to this point, it actually took me cutting him out of my life completely (as did some of his friends soon after) for him to realize he had a problem, but I thank God that he finally got there. It helps for me that his recovery started before we began talking again, so I know he is doing it for HIM, not just for me. We discussed it tonight and I was surprised to discover that both of us almost feel that sex is an obligation, or something that is just expected. He says he actually WANTS to try this and find other ways to be close to/intimate with each other. We re definitely going to give this a try, sounds like it will be a good thing. Nothing you said offended me in the least, I agree that if we grow apart from lack of sex there is something wrong. I don't think that will happen though.... at least, I really hope not! It does still scare me that he might one day decide he needs some kind of release and since he isn't getting it from sex with me, he will be more likely to turn to other sources, but that is about my insecurity more than anything probably.
Thank you again for the support!

[TooSensitive]

Recovering, I think it will work well for the two of you, b/c your b/f is already on board with the idea. I don’t think he will look elsewhere, without looking to you first. He made a decision to get into recovery on his own, before you got back together, if I am reading this right. That is a VERY good sign!

My h and I tried the abstinence thing. Our goal, or should I say my goal, was to abstain for 90 days. My h never wanted to abstain at all. I too feared my h would look elsewhere, and I’m not so sure he didn’t. If he was on board with abstinence, I don’t think I would have feared this. But, I do understand your concerns. Those are expected and normal under such circumstances.

The most my h and I would get was to around the 30 day mark. He would then make advances towards me, and I would give in. Some of the time that was due to my own fears that if I did not, he would go elsewhere. Some of the time, that was due to my simply being responsive to his touch, which I have always loved.

Then, we would reset the clock, and try to remain abstinent again. Easier to do for me, when there were ongoing problems between us surrounding his ongoing addiction. We did get to around the 60 day mark once.

Then, the bottom really fell out, when I discovered what he was still doing behind my back, yet wasn’t supposed to be doing, now that he was in recovery. This resulted in a 3-month in-house separation, which I established. During that time, we were not physically intimate at all. We weren’t even affectionate. He was not permitted to touch me whatsoever. I had had it with him. We both used the time to work on ourselves, forgetting about every single aspect of our relationship for a time. The forced abstinence did seem to allow him to “reset his clock”, so to speak. I do feel it helped, and I do feel it made a difference. It caused him to appreciate being physically intimate with me that much more, when what he so loved to do was taken away from him. It also allowed him to appreciate me more in other ways, too.

The difference between my h and your b/f is that it seems your b/f did not resentfully go into recovery kicking and screaming all the way. He made his own choice to enter recovery. I pretty much forced my h into it. He did not want to go, but I made him go as a stipulation for staying together.

I realize your b/f may have started recovery b/c he knew it would be the only way to keep you in his life. But he still took those steps to get into it on his own, unlike my h. For that reason, I hope you are able to have more reassurance than I did, going in.

WaterLily’s reply is very good. I hope you are able to glean strength from what she has written to you. That’s the thing – we do have to stand tall in whatever it is we feel we need for ourselves, even if that ultimately means cutting them loose. We have to honor ourselves, and we have to let them know all the ways in which we need to be honored by them as well. It does come down to a choice they will need to make – us or the p.

I see good signs from over here that your b/f is going to choose you, ultimately. It seems he has already. No, it won’t be an easy road, that road toward recovery. But he is already making progress, all for the way he has begun to go about things, from what I can tell. I don’t want to give you false hope, b/c there are never any guarantees. But from what I’ve read so far, I am hopeful for your situation, Recovering.

[2frustrated]

In my own experience, I dated my now-wife for three years and practiced abstinence the whole time. It was a great experience and gave us time to really focus on the core elements of our relationship. If I could go back, I would still have been abstinent.