how to react?

[Jenny]

I have been talking slowly with my H about his past actions(I don't know what else to call them) and sometimes i hear things that anger me, sometimes they disgust me and sometimes I just don't know what to think. Sometimes I want to scream how could I have married someone who would do that or even just think it. I want him to learn to be honest with me and to trust he can trust me to be honest. But how do you hide those feelings of anger and disgust so that he will continue to talk with you? How do you react when you hear something that chills you to the bone? I am thankful we are not talking face to face but even through chat or email, I sometimes just react and say something so mean that he doesn't want to continue talking. Is there any tricks to keeping those thoughts and feelings inside so you don't offend the PA? Should I tell him how i feel about it after I cool down? How do you cool down and not let it fester and grow a life of its own inside your head and heart? i know i will talk with a therapist about this, as soon as I find one, since i have moved, I have to rebuild a support system but I would like to hear from other SOs about how they deal. It's so hard because you want to know but than it can be so hard, you want to duct tape your PAs mouth and never hear another word. And do you think it is good to talk about such things with your PA or is ignorance bliss? In the past, denial and ignorance was how I survived and I don't want to be there now but reality really does bite.

[Charly22]

Tough question. I certainly wasn't able to do what you are trying to learn how to do, at first. I only reacted. I yelled. I called him names. I showed him my disgust and anger. I don't know when or how it kicked in for me, to be able to talk to him without reacting. I know that at some point, I started trying to see it from more of a "clinical" point of view. It requires removing your emotions.

I would suggest you keep exposing yourself to the things that you are having a hard time hearing. Read the pa's journals. Have you read the p trap yet? And also, there are many books by Patrick Carnes who is a leading expert in p and s addiction. I'm not saying that these books will help you with proper communication, but these books will allow you to look through a differnt set of eyes, instead of the ones that are emotionally charged and disgusted.

I also suggest writing to him. Writing a letter. Make sure you proof it before giving it to him, this way you can make sure it is calm, loving, and to the point, without the verbal reactions. Those knee jerk reactions I always regretted, know what I mean?

I have even suggested to others to use pen and paper to talk, even when you are next to each other. Could be a way of thinking about what your about to say, and be a bit easier and "safer" to communicate......

But I must say, you are wise to try to do this.....that was one of the first things I learned here at this site, was that I had to learn to communicate in a better way. Communication is a super important key.

[JenMac]

Hi Jenny!
Good question!
It was surprising to me, but after discovery I found I was able to operate on almost 2 different levels. One in which I was able to be supportive to my H, and one in which I would drop into a pit of emotion and pain. When I was able to be supportive, it was like Charly said, I just seemed able to put my emotions aside for a time. Not exactly sure how, but perhaps prayer?
It was also suggested to me very early on, to be careful with the details, as the details are very hard to get past. I do think we need to know the extent of what we are dealing with, but just consider carefully what it is you are asking to know. I don't believe ignorance is bliss but I do believe there is a balance there somewhere that is necessary for our wellbeing.
For me, truth came out in stages and while that was difficult, perhaps neither of us was ready for the whole thing all at once. It gave us both time to come to terms with things a little at a time. I also think that as recovery for them progresses they see things in a different light and so they are more aware and therefore can hopefully be more open about where they have been.
I remember very clearly telling my H in a very calm and believe it or not kind way, that he really had to question his morals after what I had found while searching websites he frequented. He tells me that was one of the big moments in this for him.
I believed that anger was the lesser emotion for me through this Jenny. I believe that mac needed to see my pain and hurt through all of this. It is not that I don't understand the anger, (and believe me you have every right!) but I didn't have much of it. I think if I had responded in anger, it would have given mac an excuse to belittle my feelings by responding in kind. Not that I planned it this way, but I feel that the hurt had a much bigger impact most of the time. Oh I had my moments! But they were few and far between.
Not sure if any of this helps in any way! But I want to tell you that I wish you well! We have all been where you are and understand that place well!
All the best!
Jenn

[Jenny]

Charly22, I have read the P trap and I probably need to read it again and again. I hated some parts so much but knew i needed to keep reading. I guess I gave up on what the book said because my PA did not read the book or others that were bought, at least all the way through. I had a resentment going on.
My H did call me tonight during a week moment and partial slip and was honest with me and we tried to work through it together. It was easier for me to handle this time because he didn't hide or lie this time. I think the lying and hiding is what triggers my anger. The shock that I never knew it was happening, that I was so naive doesn't help either. But when he lies to me, it hurts to the core and my defenses go up. I am not one to lie. I once lied to a neighbor a month or so ago and had to go back and apoligize to her. She was taken aback by me coming and telling her what I had done wrong. I explained to her I had someone lie to me so much in the past few years, I just feel horrible if I do.
Thank you both for the advice. I guess as my H has to learn to be truthful, I have to learn to accept the truth gracefully.
I'm proud of myself for not reacting. I did have to detach emotionally and focus on what solution we could find to help him through the urges. It's just hard to detach from someone you love and on such a personal issue. It is hard not to take the issue personally also.
JenMac, I wish I was able to handle a little bit at a time. I would rather know everything at once and get all that out of the way. So far, this drip, drip drip method is killing me. I feel I may start recovering and bam, knocked to the ground again. Maybe if he told me he had so much to say but couldn't tell it all at once? Maybe if I knew he had to work on him to be able to confess what has happened in the past. I know that he is not proud of himself and possibly embarrassed too. So I guess though I want all the cards on the table, I will have to let my H go at his own pace through his recovery. It is so hard not to have control over anything!
I am a firm believer in prayer and do not think I could have survived what I have without it. But sometimes, even when I pray for the help, I am too stubborn to wait for Gods help or sometimes I just don't want to accept the help the Lord gives me because I wanted help in a different way than how He helped me. Like when you pray for patience, he gives you lessons in patience not the actual patience itself! To me, God sometimes has a funny sense of humor.

[Disillusioned]

Hi Jenny,
I didn’t discover TTF till 3years and 10 months after D day. How I wish I had found them earlier. My reactions ran the gamut of not expressing anything for the first two weeks, cause my h had told me before I over-reacted to things, so he just didn’t like to talk to me about anything. I knew I was in deep trouble when I went to the green house to make my annual visit, and I was buying more than I usually do, and the owner was a little shocked at the size of my gift to myself, as I was always so frugal. He said to me, “What’d you do? Hit the lottery?” To my horror I replied, “No, if my h has $ to spend on strippers, I can buy a few plants.” I burst into tears, apologized and asked him please not to say anything as my sister was with me, and I didn’t want her or anyone else to know.
Time went by. I asked him to please cut out the strippers. It killed me to think they could see my h, the man I loved, wanting them, and they would be looking at him and pretending they wanted him, even if they turned the look immediately to the next man and the next. He was giving them that look that I foolishly thought I had been the only person who had seen.
I felt stupid, naïve, foolish, and lost complete confidence in myself as a judge of people, their goodness and integrity. I hated myself for not being enough to keep him within our marriage.
I told him if he must do some of this, I would prefer the magazines and some of the stupid P I had seen him looking at, not realizing that this was even worse. I told him I wanted to know what he subscribed to and didn’t want lied to anymore. He agreed.
The very same week, I went back into the history site of our computer, looking for something related to medical issues, and saw his email receipt for his new subscription to yet another internet p site. We were on the roller coaster of using and lies and discovery.

Anyway, I did find writing safer than talking, because he got all defensive and felt like he was being attacked, even if I was only asking about the extent of this. Drip by miserable acid drip, the things he was doing and the way he saw other women came out, and each drip ate a little more at my soul and self-esteem.

I went to counseling and the counselor told me that, my h might have actually avoided having a real physical affair with a new partner as a result of his p use and other “gentlemen’s” activities.

I did find it better if I could make my voice almost flat and monotonal when I talked to him, as in I did not want it to go high, squeaky and emotional, cause he just wanted to run from this. On one occasion he lost it so badly, he made a fist and was ready to hit me.
Unless you can keep your cool, modulate your tone, and appear non-accusatory, it’s better to write. I know my h responded better that way, though he often didn’t answer all the questions I asked, or would reply, we’ll talk about it later, and never did.

One counseling session with a church lead s3x and P addict group was sabotaged by him.
He brought up one incident when I wasn’t as supportive as I usually am and wanted to discuss this. It had happened years ago, and I had no idea of what else I had been dealing with that day, that I didn’t fold up everything and sit with rapt attention to his problem. It had nothing to do with what he had been doing when he was out of town on trips, or P, or the other activities he did that broke my heart.

Pretend you are in front of a class, if you decide to talk to him. Use the same detachment of someone who disagrees with you about something, and keep your voice respectful and modulated. Don’t go squeaky high, or loud. It only escalates and makes things uglier.

By the way, I couldn’t get my h to see that much of what he was doing was wrong, or that my feelings were not antiquated or even valid till I found TTF, and copied things from here for him to read. He actually read for himself. I joined here in March of 2011, and we have only recently begun to heal, talk and enjoy the closeness and warmth of a recovering relationship. Through all of this, I have loved him.

God bless you in your journey with this. I hope that I have not been so long-winded that you got lost or that what I said in trying to answer your question was diluted. I always
talk to much.
disillusioned

[JennyBunny]

Can you talk about things via email, spacing things out so you're able to be thoughtful and careful not to hurt each other's feelings? Read an email from him, right a response and save it. Then just walk away for a few hours. Get out and do something unrelated. Then when you come back, reread both his email and yours to see if you've written what you really want to say in a way that's sensitive to his feelings and honest to yours.

[Disillusioned]

Great idea. Too many times, I responded to an email of his and was angry and my words reflected that, even if I hadn't started out the email with that intent. It was so ever-present and intense, it just seeped out and was so non-productive. Always save those emails in response or in anger till later and check them again to see if you have come to the point that you wanted to make that might help clarify your feelings or boundaries and not sound like your real intent was to find a hatchet and decide exactly where you wanted to hit him first.
Good thinking. You are well on the way to helping yourself and being supportive to him. Great job. I know this is not easy...I honestly know. Wish I had known sooner.
disillusioned