I think I made my decision

[RMH]

Partly due to something SO said earlier, and partly due to something that happened when I went out tonite. SO told me some things, mainly me having to pull teeth again but he hasn't been being transparent with me at all. I didn't appreciate that. That and he also didn't completely hold up his end of our deal last week. He only followed through with half. When I went out to pick my brother up from the Airport, I stopped by Starbucks for a coffee. I discovered a whole nother world! Started a conversationWith a gentleman that was really nice and it made me realize 2 things: 1) the big bad world of dating ISN'T that bad and I am more approachable and appealing than I thought, and 2) hey, if I could get out once a week to do something totally unkid related and unrelationship/porn related, I'd be MUCH less stressed! It was amazing how much therapy a 2 min conversation with someone could provide...It was funny too cuz on the way to Starbucks I was thinking how I needed to get all these pent up emotions out of me, but even a therapist wouldn't help cuz I couldn't verbalize my angst and frustration.... All I needed was someone to let me step outside of my sheltered little world for a few minutes for me to feel refreshed, new, like ME again...All that is to say that I made the final FINAL decision to ask my SO to leave. I honestly didn't realize how sheltered I had made myself become until tonite. I also didn't think I'd stand a chance on the dating scene either, I didn't think I was attractive enough, skinny enough, smart enough... That had been one of the main reasons I've stuck around in my marriage for so long for... All that was put to rest tonite in a 5 minute conversation..My heart is heavy tonite but in time it will heal and I'm quite sure I'll be able to find someone who I can have fun and be myself with (I was amazed to see a group of guys hanging out at Starbucks playing cards on a Friday night).

[Disillusioned]

Hi RMH,
I know how badly this being a faithful SO and wanting validation of your worth and attractiveness from your PA is needed. When they choose to stay with P, put off really committing to working on this, or lie and try to hide their involvement, you wonder about yourself. How could I have any value if he continues to choose p over me. I know you hurt, and feel ready to run. It was uplifting to find someone who seems really interested in you. But, I think right now you are not in the healthiest state to deal with a new relationship in your life. I have seen it far too many times, when women are hurt. Instead of finishing the business they find hurtful and leaving it behind from a stable, hard thought period of self-examination and looking at the reality of it, they run, as fast as they can, away from the pain and confusion. Sometimes what they run into is worse than what they left, but they were running away so fast and hard, they couldn't see what they were running into. This is a vulnerable time for you. Please read what author Laurie Hall has to say about this. Whatever path you take, RMH, I am hoping for a happy, recovered woman, whether it is on her own, or with her h. Just be careful....
[h=2]Danger to SOs when they are hurt by a PA from author Laurie Hall[/h]

From author Laurie Hall “An Affair of the Mind” warning; some religious content
If You Were Woman Enough...."
"What does this have to do with the wife of a man involved in P? Plenty. First, there's a temptation to prove herself. A woman whose husband wants to be with an imaginary woman or a hooker more than he wants to be with her feels like a failure as a woman, a lover, and a companion.
Second, she has legitimate physical, emotional, and spiritual needs that aren't being met. Lust is totally self-absorbed. Everything revolves around the needs and desires of the one lusting.
A man who is involved with P is incapable of looking past his own needs to see and meet the needs of his wife. In his selfishness, he sucks out her meager reserves, leaving her nothing to meet her own needs.
Yet, those unmet needs aren't going to go away. Just as Jesus' body was dying for food after His 40-day fast, her body is dying for unfulfilled s-x, not the degrading quickie stuff her H learned from P. Just as Jesus longed for the loving companionship of His Father, her soul longs to have her husband be a loving companion, not someone who's going to think of her as a plaything. Just as Jesus deserved to have others recognize His value, she may be dying to be affirmed rather than viewed as a tool to be compared, criticized, and manipulated.
Along about now, when she's good and hungry, the temptations come. What's the bait? Unmet physical needs, unmet emotional needs, unmet spiritual needs. The hook is to prove yourself--prove you're attractive, prove someone can love you, prove you're worth it--because if you don't take care of number one, who will? You know what everyone's saying, don't you? If you were woman enough, he wouldn't need anyone else, so why not prove it?
Human nature is always tempted in the same ways. And when the hook and bait didn't work with Jesus (because He knew who He was and whose He was), they often work with a woman who's desperate to shore up her shaky self-esteem by proving to herself and others that she's "woman enough" (because she doesn't have a clue who she is and she's desperate to feel she belongs to somebody---anybody)."


from disillusioned

[RMH]

D-It wasn't my intention to even begin trying to start anything with that Gentleman, but it did feel good to be validated, to know I still got what it takes.. :) I had already made up my mind to ask SO to leave permanently. I could never be one to jump into something blind or recklessly, just because I'd be so very picky about who I brought around my children.I just can't get over the fact that every time he withholds information, every time he lies or plays down the seriousness of the effects this crap has on our lives, it feels like he's just walking all over me, taking advantage of me being kind, loving, patient.... I can't be patient while the rest of my life passes by me. Someone reiterated the quote "make the dash between the year u were born and the year u die mean something.". If I sit here being patient, then that - will have meant nothing. I need to make it mean SOMEthing, even if it is by myself with my 3 children.

[dottedlines]

Hi RHM,

This really struck me:

I honestly didn't realize how sheltered I had made myself become until tonite. I also didn't think I'd stand a chance on the dating scene either, I didn't think I was attractive enough, skinny enough, smart enough... That had been one of the main reasons I've stuck around in my marriage for so long for

While I'm not there, I can relate to feeling that. I'm 32, and I feel like my 'time' for a different relationsihp has come and gone. Not saying I'm in a position where i want to leave mine--I don't. But somewhere in the back of my head, I have this figured out: "if I choose to leave at some point, I need to come to terms with choosing a life alone, and a life likely devoid of intimate connection until I die."

Your post here was so illuminating. You needed to be SEEN. The person who should be always seeing you, your H, doesn't. But t hat doesn't mean you don't exist, aren't attractive, aren't worthy of the attention of others.

Just wanted you to know I heard strength & hope in your post. It's a damn rough time for sure, but from here, I applaud you working on you.

DL

[cvanden]

RMH,

Thinking of you and wishing you the very best in your new direction.

Colleen

[Disillusioned]

Hi RMH,
Just wanted to say I wasn't pointing a finger. How awful it is to find ourselves vulnerable to flattery from a total stranger when what we need most is to hear our husbands say they love us, that we are important to them, that they don't want other women, just us.
I know how this is. I truly felt ugly during the worst of all of this.
I was only pointing out that you need to be careful, as you have felt put down by your spouse's thoughtless and selfish actions and refusal to change for a long, long time.
I only wish the best for you and your children, no matter what path you take. We SOs also need to remember that all that glitters is not gold when it comes to other men. Our men like the glitter of the seductive woman, the P actress, the n-d- cuties, etc.
We like to hear that we are precious to our men, and that our loyalty and fidelity is worth valuing and protecting. Hope I made sense.
disillusioned

[RMH]

Hi RHM,This really struck me:While I'm not there, I can relate to feeling that. I'm 32, and I feel like my 'time' for a different relationsihp has come and gone. Not saying I'm in a position where i want to leave mine--I don't. But somewhere in the back of my head, I have this figured out: "if I choose to leave at some point, I need to come to terms with choosing a life alone, and a life likely devoid of intimate connection until I die."DL

We're the same age. I completely disagree however. Honestly the only reason I feel older than 21 is because I have kids and I do the 'mom' thing now. I would be OK with spending the rest of my life single, but I know I wouldn't. Even if I'm 50 and my kids are grown when I find someone else, it will have been well worth the wait. Plus we'd still have a good 30 years left in us! Lol. :)