What made you stay?

[RMH]

I've hit my rock bottom with my marriage. My H refuses to seek help, claiming he's 'to embarrassed' to tell a complete stranger all his life problems, or even at least those relating to our marital/PA problems. He refuses to do any of the exercises I've requested so that I can 'see' that he's trying to get better or even cares about our marriage...I've read a lot of stories on here about how long it took for your SO so finally decide to make the leap and start getting better, but how do u live with it the meantime??? I have no trust in him to do the right thing or even be faithful to me, I'm tired of being the only one making an effort, I'm tired of lying to everyone saying our relationship is fine when it's not... Our communication right now is prettyvmuch zilch. We talk about our children and even that is a challenge some days... I just want to Punch him in the face to be honest I'm so fed up. I've already told him we're doing an in-house separation when he returns from deployment next month, but yesterday I told him ifbhe didn't follow thru with certain things before coming home that it would not be in-house, that he would be kicked out... I just wonder what it was that gave you the strength to stick it out until they decided to get help on their own... After putting up with this for 10 years I don't have any patience left for him to do it on HIS time. Now he needs to do things on MY time, or I'm out. I'm sick of everything being about HIM, HIS needs/wants/desires.... I have needs and wants and desires too, but all my stuff has to be put on the back burner so I cn take care of our family. He never cared about that, he never took care of his family, he only took care of himself. Why do I STILL have to put HIM first?? Who's going to put ME first??!?

[JenMac]

Who's going to put ME first??!?

You are RMH!
You should put yourself first and he should know that!
He needs to know that you are not going to wait indefinately for him to take actions that will help his recovery and your healing.
It took me one day to determine that I was not prepared to live with this in my life and that I was strong enough to do what was necessary for my own wellbeing. I too had a lot to lose but I admit I was in a position in life that I was able to take that stand and mean it.
After having told my H that I was unsure if we would make it through this, it was up to him to show, through his actions, that he was serious about putting this out of his life. It still took some time for him to take the necessary steps, that he himself had suggested, but it happened in what I would call a reasonable length of time. I wonder if he was hoping I wouldn't actually require it of him? That just by him saying he was willing, that would have been enough? Not sure, but I didn't let him off the hook, nor did I badger him about it. I just expected it to happen, and it did. Does that make sense?
You are very right for standing up for yourself RMH, to do what is necessary for your own healing. You! and your wellbeing is at stake here. Stand strong in your expectations! You deserve to be loved, cherished and respected! That is the least we should expect from our marriages.
All the best!
Jenn

[Charly22]

You asked "what made you stay" ..... my first response, considering my experience, is this: Ultimately, I didn't stay.

10 years, just like you, 10 years of trying, crying, waiting, lecturing, writing letters, living in turmoil, me being the only one putting in all the effort, me being the only one who was taking measures, me being the only one who seemed to have a problem with it. I have to admit, at first, I wasn't so good at all the "putting in the effort" part. I was only angry and reacting for a long long time. TTF helped me set myself up for even being able to stand against the pain, to stand up to it.

But all those efforts got me to a point where I realized I couldn't stay. I didn't think to myself "ok, maybe if I make him think I'm leaving, he'll change"....nope, wasn't like that at all, in fact, I always thought I could never do that, I could never actually leave. But, I was pushed to the piont of truly being done. Like Jen, I knew I could not continue to live with this in my life. It was affecting me in such unhealthy ways, it was as though survival instincts kicked in. And after all the pain, it was finally too much. I had to go. I fought a tough tough internal battle.

But through those 10 years, the things that helped ME during it all, was TTF. I used to hold it in. I didn't talk to noone about it. That cause awful consequences for me, not talking about it. Supressing it. Trying to convince myself that maybe I was the one that was being unreasonable, after hearing that from him time after time after time.

But TTF helped me grow. Sharing this with others. Realizing that if I continue to keep myself exposed to this situation, that I am going to have to look out for me first. Detachment helped. It hurts. But was necessary to survive. Emotional turmoil will turn you inside out and leave you lifeless.

But ultimately, nothing changed until he realized he was about to lose the love of his life...... and he knew it was genuine, not just me trying to threaten it. Not until I was leaving.......that is when the real recovery and real productive work was able to begin.

[maggie]

Dear RMH,

I don't know your story, I just read this post today. First of all, I am sorry you are dealing with this pain, betrayal and resentment while trying to be a good mother and lead a good and productive life. Pornography with its unending physical urges and desires forces it way to the forefront of life disrupting everything else. The reason I responded to your post was the description of your H and his attitude just screams of Selfishness... self centered pleasure seeking as the top priority in his life !!

I'm sick of everything being about HIM, HIS needs/wants/desires.... I have needs and wants and desires too, but all my stuff has to be put on the back burner so I cn take care of our family. He never cared about that, he never took care of his family, he only took care of himself.

There have been many debates on this sites, or commentary about whether PA is really an addiction or just a person being selfish, self-centered and an arrogant a**h*le. A few SO's and PA's have questions about this.

I think it begins as a selfish need to excite, entertain and pleasure oneself in isolation, but over time I do believe the brain chemicals affect the person's behavior and physical drive.

maggie

[Disillusioned]

part one; caution; stinking thinking to the max and how it got better
Caution: there is reference to a higher being in my posts. If this is offensive, please do not go further in the reading of this answer to RMH's question. Thank you.
Hi RMH,

I am writing this from a position of deep humility and remembering all the hurt, despair, and confusion that can still hop aboard without warning, and take over my thoughts. Discovery day for me was over 4 years ago. 4 years of, being in shock, as I truly believed my h was too noble and honorable to engage in any of this stuff. I knew he liked PB to begin with, and I spoke up as soon as he brought one of those trash mags into the house. He continued to buy, look and amuse himself with these while he was out of town, and it opened the door for much more. The degree of how much more makes me feel like vomiting, even yet.

I didn’t feel I had any place to go, that I wouldn’t be a burden. I didn’t want to take anything from him…nothing. It was all the pride I had left. They say man’s biggest sin is lust, and woman’s pride. I wanted nothing, but for the pain to quit. I truly thought this would never end. I began to want to die, and yet I knew and still know that my life was God-given and not mine to take. I felt rejected by all, even a loving God. I felt that I was so ugly in all ways that even God couldn’t love me. Afterall, he hadn’t made me attractive enough to keep my h’s interest even for one year. In shock, I confronted my h with, “A man who is in love with his wife, doesn’t want to look at other women. He wants to protect what he has. He knows he is capable of lust, and he turns away.” My h said he hadn’t been in love with me since the first year we were married, and this came out in year 38. I am crying again, as I write this, as the memory hurts so badly. This was said in anger, but I believe it is what he felt, as it explained how his behavior changed so much after the first year. He was constantly critical and impatient with me. Never a compliment. Criticisms like “You worry too much!,” or “You are too sensitive,” or “I don’t know why you do it this way, when….,” “Why is everything so much harder for you?” He was rude to my family. I tried so hard to please his. Nothing worked; nothing. I thought if I could try harder. Everytime I was ready to go, he would bend, and I would see what we had had, and I wanted it again so much. He’d throw a crumb, when I needed a loaf.
The admission of what he was doing all the time he traveled on business explained it all.
I had never had the attractiveness, savvy, s-xu-l prowess, sensuality that he had wanted and he resented me for most of our marriage. At year 38, he said one of the reasons he had married me was it seemed so easy for me to make friends. His criticism and the way he expected us to entertain others, plus working as an RN in a hospital, made it so hard to be confident enough to “entertain” the way he liked it. He didn’t seem to like my friends or relatives. Who was there to entertain? Business associates I didn’t know? I was not confident enough to tackle that. You can’t beat someone down who is a victim of some social anxiety and expect them to be confident enough to entertain strangers. I kept friendships outside the home. The contacts got fewer and fewer, and then kids.
When the kids came, he found more and more reasons to be away from home. Meetings in the evenings. Activity in the church. Never available…”Why is everything harder for you?” “Other people have kids and still do this and this and this…” “If you would beat their a-s-s more, they wouldn’t be so difficult.”
Back to D Day. This is the person I married, against the advice of my parents. Their marriage was marred with alcoholism. I had hoped h would be different. I knew my mom was so strong, and she had survived so much with my dad. I thought I was with someone different. My h was just as emotionally unavailable as my dad. He criticized me every bit as much as my father. I was continuing the same battle I never won in childhood.
With D day, I now knew why. It was because of my own inadequacies, just as my rejection from my dad had been. I had lost and would always be a loser. Stinky thinking told me that God had made losers to make winners look even better. Why had he preferred Able’s sacrifice to Cain’s. Cause Cain was a loser. Sick thinking. I wanted to die.
I had to go to counseling. The counselor said that perhaps h was using these adult activities to keep himself from having a real affair with someone else. I tried to allow the p and other activities. I choked on thinking that he was using something so awful to fulfill himself rather than be with someone else….his dream woman. I wanted to free him to go and find her, win or lose. I was tired of not being who he wanted and I wanted no more P, no more strip clubs, no more mags. Just go get her. Clearly, he had married Mrs. RightNow instead of Mrs. Right. In my mind, I felt I had given much more than most women would, and I had tried harder. I did, I know that. But if I didn’t have what he valued, the body, the seductiveness, the flaunted sexuality, then it didn’t matter what I gave in love, patience, getting out of his way, trying not to irritate him. I could never be what he wanted…ever. I wanted to die.
There wasn’t a knife that I would pick up and not think, I could end this right now. It wouldn’t hurt as much as this gash in my chest from the loss of what little I thought I had with him in marriage. I remember once, after intimacy, telling him,” I now see what others mean when they say the earth moved.” He replied with,” I think we are pretty average.” I now knew why it wasn’t so moving to him. He was just going through the motions. He wasn’t in love. He wanted someone so different from me. The P explained it all…what kind of woman mattered, and I did not. This hurts to write.
My daughter picked up on the severity of the depression. She was frightened. She called my PCP and a partner who did not know me told her to get me to the ER, or he would send the police. My son, his wife and my nephew came to my house. I was dressed for bed and had to work the next day. They anxiously told me where I had to go, or I would be taken forcefully. I went. They waited all night, while I had blood tests and sat in the room to be monitored. The psych nurse came and talked to me. The abuse was too familiar. She told me to read, “Hell is My Husband.” We talked about her horrible partner and how abusive he had been to her, and how she had to get out. She wanted me to go, get away from the pain.
I was discharged and had to see my own PCP. It came out. I was so embarrassed. I was bare in front of people that I had put on a brave front for. Now, they knew. I called off work and didn’t say why. I feared for loss of my job. It wasn’t much, but I did help bring in money. H said he didn’t want me to go. He wanted us to work this out, if I could just quit obsessing about his activities. He said he always enjoyed s-x with me. He didn’t want a different partner. He just liked looking a n-ked women. I fell through the floor. This was a former church elder, who taught Sunday school, who cringed at the silly, off-color jokes Mom and Sis and I told each other, the silly comments.
I felt dirty beyond all repair. Ugly, rejected. He was just too lazy to get what he wanted

[Disillusioned]

That’s why he accepted me. I was easy, no work really. I did the talking. (note to ttf, too talkative then, and too talkative now). He didn’t have to feel uneasy with me. Mrs. RightNow, instead of Mrs. Right. That’s why he was never happy with me.
I would stifle and try not to obsess. At least try to not let him see. It was churning inside me, every day, every moment I had to myself. Sleep was not good.
My knee was causing me increasing pain. Leg cramps, knee pain, cortisone shots. The only way I could support myself was if I was fortunate enough to get a hospital job in my fifties. They would never risk hiring me full time, so I could have health benefits and pay my rent and keep up a car. I was a bad risk. I had been out of hospital nursing for many years. Who cared about backrubs, and checked edema and all the things I did assessing the patient by caring for them every day? Not in the new nursing… No continuity, as in,
Doctor, his legs are more swollen than yesterday, and I believe he might be experiencing some subtle confusion. I am concerned.” Not the way it is today. Shove those meds, get it charted. Hurry…no caring time. Hurry, hurry more. Nursing in school was busy…hurry them back to class. Assess what needs called home for. Worry. Are the parents going to be too distracted to care or see what’s going on in this child? Emotionally crippled kids. My body pain and increasing disability with this stupid knee.
My body always lets me down. It was strong, but not pretty enough to keep h interested. He needs pb curves, not normal ones. He wants flawless, perfect,someone who always wants to have s-x and is smart enough to know all the possibilities. I always said yes, always. Even on days I had to get up at 5 am, and it was after midnight, yes. His needs, and I would feel the satisfaction of being close, even if just for a few precious minutes. I never regretted s-x with him, never.
Until it all came out. Then I felt God had designed me to be as-xu-l…by myself. Not a creature to be loved and cherished. I should never have allowed this yearning to develop. I should have lived a life of service only. I should have given God’s love,only. I am dirty, I am ugly.
Why did I stay? Sister says come live in our finished basement. Brother said you can come to me. I didn’t want to complicate their lives. I was useless, a burden. I was nothing. My kids didn’t think their dad’s activities were so bad. It was me, my old values. I am a creature of the past. I don’t fit in here anymore. My family pleaded, we need you. I need you, each would say. Why? I had nothing to give that was worth anything. Nothing. I loved, but it was worth nothing. Hadn’t my illusion of a marriage and my devotion proven that. I gave all I had, and it was not worth anything. I was making about a 1/3 of what a hospital rn made, with no benefits. If something was wrong, I was somehow responsible. My caring was inconvenient. We don’t do that here.
The unsaid part, was pass it onto someone else. It will go away or it will get worse. Don’t stick yourself out there. Don’t make waves. Don’t draw attention. Don’t see.
I felt choked, more and more and more. No value..no value. No sleep. Emotional pain. Physical pain.
Why did I stay? The psychiatrist I saw because of all my prescriptions and my request to change, put me on a different drug. I shake all the time. I thought about suicide..a lot.
I bought things to do it with. I even got them on sale, cause that’s the way I am about spending something on me. My dog is so old and in pain. Maybe I should take her with me. No, she still loves and is cheerful, even though she hurts. I will care for her till we both can’t anymore. I love my dog. The kids love her. I shook with the meds. I planned, so many times. I gave my jewelry away. I made a will. Just wait till puppy is gone. I owe her that.
H said please don’t. Why? He doesn’t want me. I’m not good to anyone. Somewhere in there in March of this year, I stumbled on TTF. I had read, the long list of books…read and read. Couldn’t get h to. He didn’t have a problem. It was me. If I’d just quite obsessing we could be happy again. He says he felt our marriage had been happy. All that criticism. All that purposeful emotional distancing and he says he was happy?!! Lying again. Just like you did about your continuing use of P. Lying and lying and still you want something different than I am or could ever be. You don’t want me. No one does. The unhealthy thinking goes on.
I read TTF. I am amazed. For the very first time with all the doctors, therapists, friends, relatives someone else feels exactly the same way as I do. They feel betrayed. They feel deceived. They feel the things I believe and had convinced myself were outdated, old-fashioned and had to be put away as no longer pertaining to the time when I was alive.
I always believed God brought us to the world in the time that we were to live with skills we could use to adapt to the time we lived. I felt He had erred with me. My God, dear God, there are people here at TTF that know what I know and believe what I believe. Someone hears me, for the first time. Someone feels what I feel.
What p is wrong? It is hurtful? It is addictive. I had read that. H’s not accepting that, the kids, my friends and family…all, thought not. It was normal, just part of normal living. All men do this.
TTF, all men don’t? Women here, able to say this is wrong? Really? They care that I am hurting. They validate my feelings of pain and rejection. They have a plan. They have found a way. Some of them have helped spouses turn around, and my God, some of them are posting here. I read and am able to let it out, without hearing the echo, “everyone does it.” They don’t. Many got hooked just like my h. Many continued after saying they would not, and lied, and lied just as he did. Wait a minute. The books said it isn’t about me. I didn’t believe them. How could it not be about me. I had been working with a cognitive behavior therapist who wasn’t married and had a pilot boyfriend who went to strip bars while he was away. She was shocked. She was so unsettled by this, that she told me two different versions of how she reacted. She, who is telling me that this might have prevented my h from having an affair, was also lost in this and unsure of how this should be.
More reading. More ttf. Getting h to look at a few articles. They validate my pain. My God he sees that I am not so different after all. More sharing. More changing attitude.
He’s telling me he loves me, maybe not the way I love him, but he realized the night they put me in the ER, that he needs me. More ttf, more understanding. More learning. Still pain, as he drags his feet and won’t do any of the things he promised. He sabotaged a Christian counseling session that was aimed at P and SA.
No hope. More reading. Others turning around. Picking up that I have to separate from this. Trying to figure out how. Getting the idea to comfort others. No problem there. I have wanted to do that in some form all of my life. I don’t like to see others in pain, because I know what it is.
Change in h. He is appreciative. He says some kind things. He calls me beautiful in the bedroom. He has never done that…never. He touches me when he passes. We still argue about P and he still gets angry. He still says I am obsessed by it. I am beginning to think who is obsessed? TTF, more understanding. Limits? You can’t have limits with someone who is away. He can do what he wants. I tell him go ahead if that’s what you want. Be like the rat with the sensors attached to his brain's pleasure center so that he just pushes the lever to stimulate the pleasure sensor over and over again The rat doesn’t care about anything else. He doesn’t want to eat. He isn’t interested in a receptive female.

More articles. More validation from TTF. Wait, he is talking differently. He says it is wrong (because he knew from my objection to the pb it was wrong in our marriage), but not as wrong as I think. More time. More foot dragging. This is a process, Jenn says.

I finally say, I don’t ever want to hear that from you again. It was wrong in every sense of the word. You have read about the strippers and what they really think. You have read about the p actresses and actors, and how they are so damaged by this. Are really so foolish as to believe some PB princess wants to have s-x with as many men as she can so she can give them the most memorable encounter they have ever had? It’s all lies. He is starting to see, dragging his feet, sneaking a look here and there. I don’t care. If he wants to be a rat, go ahead, press the pleasure bar.

He speaks up to a fellow strip bar attendee and co-worker, and says it’s wrong. It’s hurting his marriage. The guy won’t let him finish. He is a Christian and works with youth groups. How many of the young girls there has he looked at with a p poisoned mind? I tell my h, if someone ever accuses him, he will have a hard time defending his innocence with a background like he has.

[Disillusioned]

part three; why did I stay...and major stinking thinking
Another co-worker tells me at dinner when I have gone with H on a trip, his daughter posed for pb in the Big Ten College issue. What’s the matter with this guy? He talks like he is a little unsettled by the unpredictability of young people who are finding their way, but I sense a strange pride in him that his daughter was accepted for this. I can’t imagine this being acceptable in a daughter, anyone’s daughter.

Time passes. More learning. More conviction. More impatience that my h is not doing his work. A scary diagnosis. I tell him I will stay with him. I will see him through this. I still do not believe his love is for me and that I am what he really wants. I am better. Much of the time, I am beginning to separate from this…detach from this. I am healthier.
We go to Hawaii. I don’t want to go. Beautiful women, bathing suits that are skimpy. I have trouble walking. I go, believing him when he says he needs me, praying that I don’t explode from being triggered. He’s different. He is really with me. Really. I see something in his eyes that I haven’t seen for many, many years. I get my first kiss on the park bench. He buys me a lei, and puts it around my neck. I request the customary kiss.

The beach. 3 young girls in skimpy suits right next to us. Heart is sinking. A crazy pigeon boldly walks over our towels and feet towards theirs. I start talking to them.
They are kids…just kids. Like so many young people I worked with. He sees it too. They are not assorted body parts for his amusement and fantasy. They are the same ages as many of the young women he has used for fantasy and mb. They are kids. He sees it now. Wait, he is getting it.
He tells me that he tries not to look at women the same way he once did, even circling around to get another or better look. He tells me if his mind is starting to go there, he pictures me nude instead. I feel like my image is cold water thrown at him. I am embarrassed and a bit hurt. He says he doesn’t want to do this anymore. I tell him I am happy, because I truly believe it is stealing something that isn’t his.

Biopsy negative for him. A chance for more time. Continued engagement. I am happy.
I am really happy. I never expected this, ever. I wanted normal, whatever that is. I had hoped for happy, close, loving. I didn’t need a lot else. Here, in my later years, when my body is shot, and I look older…not my actual age, but never close to the 20 year olds he held in fantasy, he seems to really appreciate me. I notice him smiling when I talk to others…He’s smiling at that friendliness that I have. He compliments me on meals, thanks me for things I have always done and he never bothered to notice. Wait a minute, what’s happened here? It has been a process after all for both of us. I know he is still triggered. Sometimes I am, as in Charly’s journal about her hubby’s use of nudes in art shows, when he has never been interested in art. Mine had multiple pictures of a nude, headless female statue stashed with his mags. Back down, but up quickly. Wait a minute, that was stinking thinking. I see it. I don’t want it in my life. I can’t use it anymore as protection for unfulfilled expectations or a myriad hurts that I did not deserve and that were just thoughtless and cruel. I am alive. My two nephews and their wives had babies. They really wanted me there to rejoice with them. My friend retired, and I went to her retirement party and didn’t need something to help keep me from shaking. I didn’t sit away from others longing to be home, and knowing I had to at least be present so as not to hurt feelings. I went. I talked. I listened. I am, again, me. Not quite done.
I am alive. All the things I love in nature are here…I have seen them and gained temporary reprieve from pain, but they are there, and celebrate with me, or I with them. It doesn’t matter. I am alive. I have walked through the flame and the pain, and I am here. Thank you. Thank you ttf, and thank you h, and thank you Sis and Brother, Sons, daughter, in-laws who still love me and have told me so, so many times. Thank you
Nephews and wives and babies. Thank you, loving God, who extended TTF down to me as a life line.
Why did I stay? I didn’t have the strength to go. I didn’t have the money. How could I leave him? I have always loved him. He says he is happy I stayed. He is happy to see me so much better. He calls me often during the day, and several times a day when he is out of town. How different from the once or twice a week he used to call when he was traveling. I am in his thoughts. I am in his heart. I am alive. I am here.
disillusioned

[Disillusioned]

How does all of this relate to why I stayed? I stayed for many reasons, some of them, just wrong. I posted this so others who are experiencing stinking thinking or blaming themselves might recognize the flaw in their thinking, and come to new awareness. It poured out, because I let it. I didn't stifle it. It is so hard to admit having gone so low.

I think many of the PAs and Sos suffer from the same kind of low self-esteem as I do. Mine is improving, and I still have to talk to myself and remind myself of who I really am, and that it is okay to be me. I think some of the PAs feel guilty about using P and then getting addicted. It is so easy a trap to stumble into in our 'anything goes' society. The thing that goes is that essence of self and of what is important. The allure of beautiful women, and the open invitation of any time, any place, any how...I need, hunger, that the women on these sites project is just too much for many men, who have always wanted a truly beautiful woman and didn't have the confidence to approach and the possibility of facing rejection. I ask the PAs to consider the inner beauty that is of so much more value, long-lasting, truly given to one person to be of more value than the lies told by an abused actress playing a sick role in P. Most twenty year old women are at the peak of their beauty. This is nature's way of drawing an interested male. After you have committed to someone, the beauty of the continuing groups of 20 year olds is not for your fantasy or amusement. They are creatures of the future and not for you. Please see them as youngsters just trying to find their way, as you were in your twenties.
To the younger men on TTF, please, see the beauty of women who would not qualify as PB models. It is there in so many young women who cannot compete with that seen and enhanced in P. That physical beauty is a passing work of nature. Look at your mate, look at women who can love you for all that you are and all that you might be. If that interest exists in a heavenly creature your own age, who is truly invested in you, consider yourself doubly blessed. If it is in someone not quite that perfect in form, look at what she is offering you, because it is a gift of self that will last a lifetime if you nurture it well. Return her love, and honor your commitment. Make the dash between the year of your birth and the year of your death stand for something that will be done well. Make it be the higher path that you have chosen and will be remembered for. Love is so precious, even if it does not come in a package that is considered stylish and best in our society. See the beauty in that, and learn not to covet the beauty of other women for fantasy. Real love is so worth that investment of self, time, and fidelity. Please be the men of light that nature intended you to be and that your mate thinks you are. Please be the sons of mothers who want their son to be the cherished mate of someone who really loves only her son.
A relative told me about attending a male cousin’s wedding. His financee was a beautiful girl and happened to be the daughter of a former PB bunny. The mother of the bride was heard telling one of her friends, “Yes, I am happy. Scott will make a wonderful first husband.” What kind of sincerity is this? What kind of commitment to the future? What had this daughter been taught? Are you surprised the marriage did not last even one year.
There is a saying, “All that glitters is not gold.” I think that all that glitters may not be visible, but it does not make it worthless or less than. It makes it enduring and of value.
I hope this makes sense to those who are suffering, to SOs who feel not good enough. To PAs still believing in the lies of P.
disillusionedd

[RMH]

Wow. Thank you disillusioned for that very awe inspiring and thought provoking post(s). And thank you for sharing a glimpse into your life, I know how difficult that must be.

I honestly can not imagine going on for much longer. 10 years is long enough. But I can understand why you did, because even as short a time span as my marriage has been (comparitevley thinking) P and MB have just in the very recent 4-5 years started coming to the forefront as a serious issue in marriages.

The lesson to learn here is that change IS possible, but at what cost?? It took you almost taking your own life for your H to finally realize your worth, and to make that change. I'm so happy it worked out for the best for you, but oh how I pray to God that it doesn't happen for anybody else, it should never come to such depths as that. I'm so sorry but again I'm happy that it ended up having a good outcome for you.

Had I not been so consumed with having a child (we went thru 5 years of infertility) I would have left my husband long ago... But boy was my biological clock ticking after I experienced my first miscarriage. But I thought I'd never be able to find someone, make a relationship, talk about children, and start TRYING to have children, in the time span I wanted. WHich was immediate. I was to impatient, and for that I paid dearly. I had 3 miscarriages, I think that was God's way of telling me I needed to leave then, and I didn't listen... Now that I have 3 wonderful, living children and I WANT to leave my husband, God is telling me I HAVE to work it out.. I made my bed and now I must sleep in it... no matter what the consequences.

That's what I'm having such a hard time with. I don't have a problem sleeping in the bed I made, I have a problem with my partner wanting to sleep in someone ELSE'S bed, be it fantasy or real world.... When you start stepping outside of your marital bed in ANY capacity, I think all bets are off.... I deserve to be free of Porn, free of worry, free of grief and free of heartache. I DESERVE better than this. I deserve to find someone that can love me for ME, be it at 120 lbs or 200lbs... Who doesn't care what my PHYSICAL attractions are but more about what my Inner and mental attractions are. Much the same as you said.

[Disillusioned]

Mom said not to marry him. I believe that the thinking that I had made my own bed, also entered into my decision to stay. It is all so complicated. It was wrong, very wrong, horribly ugly and wrong to think of ending my life...that God gave me, that my mother sacrificed for and invested in me. I am a child of God, I am a living monument to my mother's love and devotion. I am a mother, a sister, an aunt, a friend, and a wife. I am not a p star, and I would never want to be one. I would never want to be a PB centerfold. I shutter at the thought as it just feels dirty to me. I know if I talked to some of the women who are in this, I could see good in them, because I look for it. It's how you reach people and connect.
It has been said that from where God is, all sin looks the same, just like if you get far enough in space, the surface of our earth looks flat and without topography. My sin of falling into this depression and not being able to come out is sad. I didn't bring p into my life. But I could have believed much of the reading that I did, instead of saying to myself, they are talking about worthwhile women not being the blame of their PAs' problem. I could have responded to the pleading of my sister, my brother, my sister-in-law. I know depression is an illness, but I have a book on cognitive therapy, negative self-talk. I know, but I chose not to believe it applied to me. Again, stinky thinking to the max. I posted as a confession. I don't want anyone else to let themselves go down the path I have taken. Had I ran into TTF long ago, I do not believe I would have gone so far down. I do confess my sin to God, and I have shared my flawed thinking.
If only one person sees themselves in this kind of thinking, my emotional nakedness will not be so horrible a price to pay. I just hate to see anyone in pain.
Thanks for stopping and reading what I posted... I believe it was Maggie, or was it Charly that spoke of emotional vomit? I just did that and showed stinky thinking to the max, which isn't really what you asked, is it? It's just how it unfolded when I didn't have any place that I felt I could go.
disillusioned
By the way, having a clicking biological clock is not a horrible reason to stay. Wanting a child so much and not having time to start over is a reason. I know that you have loved your h and I also know you admire qualities in him that you hoped would be passed on to your children. I know about the lies, and I know about being let down again. Wanting children might have deluded you into thinking you could help him work this out. The fact that he continued to hurt you and is not present for you as a mother of his children and wife is sad. The life you gave to 3 people is worth your investment. The sad thing is you may be doing so much of it alone. I am sorry you have found yourself here and in pain.