What made you stay?

[TooSensitive]

RMH, my reasons for staying have varied over time.

I have stayed due to hope. Sometimes that hope is created through my own belief in my h’s potential. Sometimes that hope is created b/c my h has given me reasons to believe. It becomes difficult to hold onto that hope when he becomes complacent. That is when I start giving strong thought to leaving this relationship again.

I have stayed due to my own strength, which has grown through healing.

I have stayed due to my h’s strength, when he does manage to step up to the plate.

I have stayed due to finances.

I have stayed b/c I wasn’t strong enough to leave.

I have stayed b/c I don’t really want to leave.

I have stayed due to my own patience.

I have wanted to leave out of sheer frustration.

But, I am still here, and he is still here. And sometimes, I am not really sure just why. Other times, I absolutely know why.

The reasons why ebb and flow, as do my own emotions, and his. The urges to leave also ebb and flow. Sometimes it is easy to stay. Other times, it is hard not to leave.

We rapid cycle at times. We can have a good, or even great, day, only to fall down again hours later. It is easier to stay when we have a string of good or great days. It is harder to stay when we have a string of bad days.

The good or great days are not always colored by lack of triggers. Oh, that helps. But what helps more is when my h is there for me, if there have been triggers. When he is not, that is what seems to make for a bad day. He’s not very good at helping me through, and when I more often than not find that I only get through due to my own strength, it doesn’t make for a very strong marriage.

A great marriage takes two people. When it feels like there is only one of you on board, you feel so very alone. And that is when the urge to leave is strongest. Yet at the same time, that is when I don’t feel strong enough to leave.

And then, somehow, my h senses what I am feeling, or I tell him what I am feeling. When he knows the risk of me leaving is higher, that is when he manages to say or do something that gives me that hope once again.

The bottom line is that I, and he, and we, are all over the map with all of this. It seems most, if not all, of the other partners here, and couples here, are too, or at least they were once upon a time. It is only through healing and recovery that things seem to settle down to a manageable pace. But if only one of you has healed and the other has not achieved enough recovery, that is when things remain unsettled.

A partner can’t keep finding the strength and the hope within herself to stay, if she has not seen any strength at all in her h’s recovery, and esp. if he has not even begun recovery. If there is no effort made to recover, and if he isn’t even at least going through the motions of recovery (which sometimes progress to a sincere effort), then it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to hold onto hope, and there is no strength to be found, while staying in the relationship.

[Disillusioned]

Up and down like the roller coaster, your wheels and not moving anywhere, an inch forward, two back, some light, back into darkness, a lifting of spirits and hope...followed by a dashing of the same. Around and around until you are empty, at which point you do not have the will to do anything positive anymore for anyone. Until you feel totally useless in the world. Or, the positive side, that you put in a firm boundary, and if it is crossed, you say, I'm gone. You had a choice. You chose. The other choice is to detach, which I could sometimes. I would say over and over again,"I don't care." I don't think I had it right. It was I care, but it's not my fault, deal with it, or good-bye.
I hope this helps RMH. You not only have you and your ability to cope with this. You have 3 children and financial issues. Your h posted. Mine never did that, as far as I know. I was made to promise I wouldn't look. I have not.
God bless you in your decision, whatever it is. Sorry my answer was so long and ugly.
disillusioned

[RMH]

Yes, my h posted, but the only reason he DID post was because I threatened him With taking full custody of the Kids if he didn't get his Sh** together and start seeking SOME type of help. And I also threatened to have the locks changed by the time he came home if I didn't see some action by him by Today. That's the only reason he posted anything, and I bet that will be his only post as well. He won't partake in any interactive posting. He's said His Thank you's now he's done. Sorry but I'm still extremely frustrated and fed up with him right now....

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

RMH-

I stayed because my husband took action. Period. I can't stay with a PA/SA. I can't stand it and I can't stand my husband when he is doing that. He took action because I told him I was gone and filed for divorce. Why would he do anything to change if he could have me and P too? That is an addict. If they can do it, and you put up with it, they will. If my husband goes back, one time, I am gone. This is not an ultimatum or a threat or anything other than a resolution. He knows it, and so do I.

I hope your husband makes the choice to save his marriage. If he can't, you have to decide if you are a person who can wait for him to wake up, then I sure hope he wakes up before you become someone you don't recognize. But, if you can't deal with it, then there is no shame in that. You don't have to beg, threaten, cry or anything else. You state what you need, then he pulls through or he doesn't. And then you take what action is necessary to save yourself and your children from this shadow.

I wish you well and pray your husband isn't making just a token effort.

[Disillusioned]

He's said His Thank you's now he's done. Sorry but I'm still extremely frustrated and fed up with him right now....quote from RMH.

I know about this one, for sure. I don't think my h ever posted at all. I'm not sure, cause I haven't really looked. One of the ways to identify recovery seems to be wanting to reach out and help others. My h has not even addressed this with youngest son, who admits he uses. I don't know if his dad and my experience will change this or not. Since it caused such a terrible rift between us, and hurt me so badly, I just can't ask my 29 year old son who is married to a beautiful and loving young woman who will tolerate this crap, as long as he remains hers. He never should have looked at p at all. I believe the main reason my h quit was that it was literally killing me.
I hope yours does not take it that far, or if you are feeling yourself too pulled down and out of patience with him, and this one posting is all he is willing to offer, do what you think is best for you and your family.
God bless you as you weigh your decision.
disillusioned

[astander]

wow...just read through this post. Disillusioned, I wish I knew why the good Lord let us suffer so much in this life. It's question #1 when I get to the pearly gates.