Does anyone here have a PA who just WON'T talk?

[enuff]

My PA hubby will not talk about anything remotely important...which as you can imagine doesn't help while trying to sort out our marriage. We've been going to a counsellor both seperately and together. While he admits he has a problem at last weeks session it was the third in a row where he's basically said nothing for the hour not even when REALLY pressed. I'm SO tired and frustrated and have reached giving up point. I've tried being understanding, calm, angry, sad. I've tried only saying positive reaffirming things. I've tried being supportive. I've tried being distant. I've TRIED...for 5 1/2 years.

I can't throw myself at his brick wall forever...

Any tips for getting someone to open up!?! Or is this just a losing battle???????

[mary b]

Hi Enuff, I , too, feel your frustration with what you are describing. My b/f and I were attending both private and individual counseling sessions with a therapist we both knew and trusted and I would leave every session feeling renewed and optimistic because I felt like we were both 'coming clean" and getting things off of our chests, but the whole time he was holding in secrets and lies about his other life, his P addicted life. This is why he never got better. He slowly would "leak' bits of information to me here and there in a joking fashion, like "What would you say if I told you I got a bj from a woman I met on the internet in the parking lot the other day?" and then once he got my attention, I would confront him on it, only for him to say, I'm just kidding or just wondering what you would do. Frustrating as hell! I knew he was trying to get something out, little by little, but he just didn't know how to go about doing it. After me asking him to leave our house 5 weeks ago, he finally came out a week later with his full-blown confession of all of his secrets, meetings with women, etc. It took 5 years of his doing this to me for him to finally confess, which I'mm glad that he did because now we are that point that when we do talk, for the most part, he tells me everything that is on his mind. The other night on a dinner date with him, he brought up that he forgot to tell me about one time he met a stripper from his favorite club for drinks after she got off of work. It didn't bother me to hear it especially since he said that nothing became of it and he just met her for a couple of drinks. I have to believe him because at this point, he really has no choice but than to tell me the truth and I hope that by him getting things off of his chest, it is helping him to start on his road to recovery. I try to get him to read some of the Recovery Journals here on and off so that he can see that is not an isolated person with this problem. I think I will leave the advice-giving to the other more-experienced members here on this forum who have been wonderful to me so far, but I just wanted to put my two cents in to let you know that you are NOT ALONE. My thoughts and prayers are with you and please keep me posted.

[TooSensitive]

Enuff, so sorry you are going through this frustration. Not that it is your job to get him to open up, but some of them really don't know how, even when pressed to do so, and even when they realize how important it is to do this with us.

Have you ever tried asking him specific questions to get him to start talking? Or have you done that too, only to get the silent treatment?

Sometimes it helps us if we start out talking about other stuff, and then ease into the more difficult topics. Sometimes it helps if we just leave it alone for the time being, but the thing is, if you never make the time to return to it, that doesn't do any good, either.

I have also let my h know how interested I am in hearing what he has to say. Alot of it for him was lack of self-esteem. He honestly didn't feel as if anyone at all cared about what he had to say, so he wouldn't say anything. He's got a bit of a shy side to him. I let him know I was interested in hearing all about the cigars he likes to smoke, and then I let him know I was interested in hearing about his work day, and then I let him know I was interested in hearing about all his thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It has taken 2-1/2 years to get him to start talking (not the 5 long years Mary has mentioned - goodness!), but he finally has begun.

The counselor should be intrumental in getting your h to open up, too. Have you thought about seeing someone else for your sessions together? A good counselor will be able to get a patient to start opening up, unless they really are not the right fit.

Best of luck to you, and let us know how things are going. How does your h seem to be doing with sobriety? Has there been improvement with that at least?

[enuff]

Thanks for your responses. It means so much to have someone I can tell this stuff to. My husband has a default setting of "do nothing". If I ask him specific questions then he'll either say nothing or he will convolute the question til it's unrecognizable. Sometimes I feel like I slip a little further into being insane every time I try to talk to him. I am really struggling and in an enormous amount of pain. It's unbelievable how physically painful emotional trauma is. I have all of the intellectual and logical knowledge. I know it's an addiction. I know it can stem from low self esteem. I know how broken a PA can be. But I don't think I have anything left to help him. I had already been through a lot when we met. He was supposed to be my hero. Now I realize it was all a lie. And it's been 10 weeks and he seems to be trucking on (and won't discuss) while I'm an absolute mess, barely holding it together. As far as I know he's gone cold turkey. We have all the monitoring software etc so 90% certain he's not relapsed but I don't fully believe. Where there is a will.....Tonight we were watching DVD of 21 jump street. You would've thought 80s tv on dvd with no advertisements would be relatively tame. But no, they do a bust on a house with p stars. Soon as they mention it I just get up and walk out (previous occasions of things like this he will just stay staring at the screen - see default setting "do nothing") so I know it's gonna be me who says something or reacts not him. He won't talk about he won't react. I'm really scared I'll never be able to forgive him. Regardless of his recovery.

[RMH]

I'm in the same boat. My PA H won't talk about ANYTHING serious. He'll talk about the kids, the weather, sports... But when it comes to relationship stuff, he shuts down. I've tried asking him specific questions, we've tried to have a discussion on the book 'The Porn Trap'... he'll talk about it, but if I mention ANYTHING about how a certain thing really struck me, pained me, or something he did caused a lot of pain to me, he shuts down and won't speak anymore.

I'm in a limbo mode right now which is really tearing me up inside. We are physically seperated due to our military commitments, so we can't seek couples counseling right now. And my indivdual counseling isn't going anywhere becuase I feel like I"m talking about the same stuff, over and over again there's no way for me to move forward right now until he comes back. And he REFUSES to seek treatment while he's deployed despite having access to counseling services. He also refuses to seek help from this website. He's read it, he SEES how common this disease is, yet he still refuses to seek help. I honestly believe that my PA H doesn't believe he has a problem, despite me serving him with seperation papers, and having an apartment set up for myself to move into when he comes home..

I'm right there with you, I'm at the point of giving up as well.