In-House Separation

[TooSensitive]

Mary, you asked how our separation went. We did a 3-month in-house separation, at my demand. It was really hard at times to remain living under the same roof with the one you love, yet cohabitate as nothing more than roommates. I told him he was taking the couch and I was taking the bed. He was not permitted to touch me whatsoever. Not even in an affectionate, non-s*xual way. He was not permitted to talk to me about anything of an emotional nature, only about things that pertained to the household in general. I had had it with him. I had hit rock bottom, when after almost a year in recovery, I discovered his secret on-line interactions with 2 other women. And getting him to talk was like pulling teeth. I decided that if he wasn’t going to tell me everything, then I didn’t want to know anything. It had to be all or nothing.

I needed to start rebuilding myself for my own survival, and I needed to stop having a relationship with him for that same reason. I told him he could take this time to work on himself also, or he could whittle away the time by wasting it – his choice. But I told him what he did was totally unacceptable, and if that was what I could expect from him, it didn’t work for me, and we would be done. I told him, “My heart just can’t take any more. It just can’t.”

Up to that point, I had been going with him for his CSAT visits. There didn’t seem to be much in the way of accountability, but I figured that was only b/c I was also in the room, and that my h was using his sponsor to keep himself accountable. As it turns out, no one was making him accountable. That’s why he did what he did.

I stopped going with him. At that last visit, I told both of them that I had to step out of, back, and away from my h’s recovery and from having a relationship with him, so that I could focus on my own healing, b/c otherwise, I was not going to survive. What I was demanding shook my h up pretty bad. I told him, “I am not doing this to punish you. I am doing this to protect myself from being hurt by you any longer.”

So I worked on myself during those 3 months by visiting another message board like this (I’ve since learned I prefer it over here), journaling, and seeing my own therapist, as well as spending time with family and friends. I did my own thing. I remained separated from my h in nearly every sense of the word. The only time we spent together was each night at the dinner table. I continued to cook and do his laundry and all the other stuff I had always done around the house. I told him I expected him to keep doing yard work and such. So we each continued to play our own household roles, without having a relationship in the true sense of the word.

During those 3 months, my h hunkered down and did his own recovery work, in a much more focused and intentional way. He seemed to be finally stepping up to the plate. He knew I had had it, and he knew he was at risk of losing me. He was reading books again, doing the workbook lessons, working the 12 steps, going to SA or SAA meetings 3 times a week, had a sponsor, and saw his CSAT regularly. I saw him approach his recovery far more seriously than I had ever seen him do it before. B/c of this, I assumed he was struggling less to avoid a/o, and I assumed he was learning what he needed to learn. I assumed it would result in huge changes.

During our in-house separation, his car got repo’d. We worked together as a team to get through it, and we did so beautifully, with grace. It seemed like we had the ability to get through any crisis together, except the ones that involved our relationship.

There was no set timetable when we began our in-house separation. It just happened to last for about 3 months. Shortly after the car repo, we ended it. Things were great for the first few weeks. My h was being transparent with me. He admitted to a couple of things he had done, that he would not admit to before. We had built momentum, as far as openly communicating with one another. It felt as if we were experiencing that emotional intimacy that had always been so elusive between us before. He had this newfound ability to talk, and I was strong in being able to hear what he had to say. We even talked again about him giving me that full disclosure of everything he’d ever done, b/c he’d never admitted everything to me. I only knew about what I’d discovered and the few things he did admit to me. But there was so much I never knew about (and still don’t). I think my current fear of disclosure is due to this last time when he gave so much to me for a few weeks, only to take it away from me again. I don’t want him to disclose to me and then leave me to deal with the fallout from that by myself.

But this transparency didn’t last. He stopped talking again. He became complacent again. It was as if now that he had me back in his good graces, he didn’t need to keep up with the work. He took advantage of me. He stopped going to his meetings (but that is a whole other story, b/c though initially I was concerned, in hindsight, it was for the best). He no longer spoke to his sponsor. He stopped working the 12 steps. He stopped reading, and he stopped doing the workbook lessons. The only thing he kept up with was his CSAT visits. I began to emotionally plummet again. I noticed some of his negative behaviors had returned, such as his irritability, “looking” in my presence, interrupting me or not even listening when I spoke. Both my emotional and my physical health began to deteriorate. I married him a month later, against my better judgement, b/c I desperately needed his health insurance.

So our in-house separation seemed to do a lot of good in the short-term. But in the long-term, it did not.

Cont'd below...

[TooSensitive]

Cont'd from above...

But, here we are today, becoming stronger than we have ever been. Hitting bumps in the road, and still having a very long way to go. But we are further along than we had been. Some days are really good. Some days are still really bad. Open communication is better, and he has a newfound willingness to change for the better. But it is really hard at times. In May of this year, we resumed seeing the CSAT together, for couples counseling. This time, the focus is not only on him.

The key seems to be that BOTH of us have to avoid shutting down. He needs to keep talking to me, and I need to keep talking to him. We both need to know what the other is thinking and feeling, and we both need to avoid turning what the other says against ourselves. We both have to allow the other to express themselves. We have to listen to it, we have to hear it, we have to process it, and we have to use it to learn about one another, as well as about ourselves. We have to use it to learn how to be a couple that functions, rather than be one that is dysfunctional.

In the end, we have to establish boundaries, and we have to create consequences when our boundaries are not honored. In May of this year, I told my h once again, that if he did not start changing, I could not go on with him. I could not live the rest of my days in a marriage like the one we had. I told him I was at my wit’s end as far as what else to do, b/c nothing up to that point had worked. I told him the only option I could think of was for both of us to start seeing the CSAT again. So that is where we started, and that is what we’ve continued to do, and that, along with his willingness and more of an effort to change, is why we are still here together today.

A separation, no matter what type, should be a consequence of their breaking our boundaries and pushing us beyond our limits, and an opportunity to really hunker down and do the work and start moving towards change, not a chance at having the freedom to a/o any way they please.

But, I know how resistant to recovery they can be in the beginning. And without the lessons of recovery, they don’t usually know how to remain sober, let alone how to start changing. They just don’t. With some of them, I feel it takes us putting our foot down, once and for all, before they will approach recovery seriously, and before they will start working towards that change.

Recovery and working towards change might start out for only us, to appease us and to keep us in their lives, but eventually, they need to cross that threshold of also wanting it for themselves, too, b/c they realize how much better and happier they will be. It has taken 2-1/2 years for my h to finally cross that threshold for the very first time, it seems. When he told me he only wanted it for himself in the past, he didn’t really mean it. He was only reciting the words he had heard others speak. But he didn’t really mean it. B/c if he did, then recovery would have had a far more profound effect upon him than it did. And he would have worked harder at doing the work and made more of an effort to move towards change, and then, to actually start making those changes.

I am starting to let go of the resentment that had built up within me, that still remains to some degree. Resentment towards my h for all the things he’s never told me or given me, including a full disclosure. Resentment towards my h for his lack of effort and his resistance towards not only recovery, but also, towards true change in the most important ways within himself. Resentment towards my h for all the wasted time and money already spent for therapy. Resentment towards my h’s former SA/SAA group and sponsor, for all the ways they interfered with our relationship.

It is easier to let go of that resentment, and it is easier to forgive, when we see them actively doing at least some of the work, and when we see and sense that willingness to change, more of an effort, and then, witnessing some of that change in action. B/c then, their actions are finally aligning with their words. Those words that have been spoken so many times, yet were meaningless, without enough actions to back them up.

For my h and I, things are finally starting to come together, full-circle. It feels as if we will eventually be able to close that gap that has kept our circle wide open. B/c when it is wide open, it lets too many bad things into the circle. But when it is closed, and only he and I are a part of that circle, there is a strength between us that keeps us close, but keeps the rest of the world far away, in terms of the damage the rest of the world might do to us.

When that circle is closed and only he and I are standing inside, there is no reason to separate, physically or emotionally.

[mary b]

all I can say is WOW...what a journey you have been on thus far...the only difference between my bf and I is that is he not actually LIVING HERE in the house with me any more..I had asked him to leave over 5 weeks ago like I have done in the past, but this time he was not back within a couple of days...this time he told me that he had something very important that he had to tell me...something that he had been holding back through all of our therapy sessions over the past year or so...I asked him when he was coming back a couple of days after he had left and his response was, "that depends on how you feel after I tell you what I have to tell you"...and that's when he made his full-blown confession. I don't know WHY he made the confession or what drove him to it, but all I know is that I felt both "wonderful" that he had confided in me and loved me enough to come clean, but at the same time "hurt" that he had been holding this secret in for almost 5 years while we had been together. I truly understand the affects of addiction being that I was married to an alc/drug addict for 18 years prior to my current bf, but this is different because I really and truly love the man that I am with and I look at him for who he is, not what the addictiion turns him into if that makes any sense. I am hoping that one of these days he will surprise me and tell me that he is seeking the help of a CSAT so that it will start the healing process for both of us...I will just wait patiently until that day comes and have vowed not to pressure him into seeing one until he, himself, is ready for that committment.

[TooSensitive]

Mary, I am glad he came to you and told you on his own. I'm so sorry to read that he's done such hurtful things to you in secret, but I am glad he got those secrets out with you. I feel it is so much better when they come to us on their own, than for us to have to discover it on our own.

It is a start, and a better indication that perhaps he is at least thinking of making changes, even if he hasn't yet begun to make those changes.

I pray he starts to see the light and that he seeks help and recovery for himself, b/c that will of course benefit both of you.