Why Do We Isolate?

[TooSensitive]

Why do we isolate? StillandAgain’s journal inspired me to write about this.

It is a way of protecting ourselves when we are hurting. It is a way of protecting others, like our h’s, and it is a way of hiding our own shame, due to their addiction. It is a way of keeping our privacy, and theirs.

It is a way of regrouping and a time for finding our footing, when we are feeling depressed. Or, it can be a time for wallowing in self-pity, or sitting in our own pain.

Sometimes, we isolate b/c we have hit our own limits with the outside world, or with certain people. Are avoidance and isolation the same thing? Maybe they are not, if the motivation behind the action is different.

Isolation and depression go hand in hand, just as isolation and addiction go hand in hand.

In a nutshell, it is a way to avoid emotional intimacy, or forming any kind of a connection with others.

We stop isolating, when we realize that those connections are part of what helps us heal. We stop isolating, when we start enjoying life again.

Also, there is a difference between isolation and solitude. When I am isolating, inside, I feel sad and lonely. When I am in solitude, inside, I feel happy, content, and at peace.

When I am isolating, I feel alone. When I am in solitude, I don’t feel alone at all, b/c I am able to enjoy my own company, and whatever it is I am doing alone in those moments.

It is good to recognize the difference between isolation and solitude. One is healthy, and the other is not. But they still both serve their purposes. I believe it is human nature to do both, depending on the situation. I believe too much of one or the other is not healthy. Solitude is more ideal than isolation. Much creativity can be borne out of solitude, and sometimes through isolation, too. But a little of both in our lives is not such a bad thing, IMO. We all need that down time occasionally, when we are feeling badly. Perhaps it is only when we do too much of one or the other that it can be detrimental. Or, perhaps it is detrimental if and when we do too much of both.

I suppose if we are in solitude too much, that could be perceived as isolation by others. I think we have to look within ourselves to truly find the answer, as far as which is which.

Please feel free to add your thoughts here, if you are inspired!

[maggie]

Thank you for the thoughts TS as I am going thru this cycle now.

Tonight is a long awaited get together with a group of good friends...just the ladies. Even though I have been waiting for this, now that it is here, I don't want to go. I think it is easier, less actively stressful for me ( if there is such a type of stress!!) if I just stay home. I don't think I will be able to smile and laugh tonight, which is what people are accustomed to seeing from me. I'm usually laughing and feeling so good about life, if they only knew what has happened here.

Isolation and depression... yup. I've developed a touch of that lately!


maggie

[maggie]

Sorry... your question was, " why do we isolate ? "

I isolate for a few reasons:

I feel bad that my partner deceived me and made a fool out of me; it makes me feel stupid.
I am usually happy and outgoing, so I don't how to act at this time in my life when it is difficult to find joy.
I need to be alone because I can't talk honestly about my life right now and I cannot let anyone know what he was into, they will judge him. As much as I'd like to pretend that I wouldn't do that, I'm not so sure. I think I would look at a man very differently if I found out he was a PA.

[stillandagain]

Thank you for bringing this question into the Light!

I isolate mostly through shame. My own in me: for staying, for marrying a SECOND PA, for my weight gain, for my doubts about him and me... My shame in him: mostly for the behaviors, the acting out and the lies/etc ABOUT the acting out. I think that time has helped us build trust, and I am less anxious about the dangers of complacency, but I also know that IT is all still here. stillANDagain.

There's a great video called "Shame and Addiction" (John Bradshaw) that, while dated, really helps Beanhead and I with this issue. I know I have more to say, and will continue to try, but I seem ready to come out into the Light myself lately. It feels like a really important step. I have along way to go.

[JenMac]

Good question to reflect on TS! Thanks for bringing it up today.
I don't isolate so much anymore, but I do feel this upheaval in my life has changed my perceptions on a lot of things in my world, not the least of which is my relationship with people close to me in my life.
I no longer feel able to tolerate the 'little' annoyances that people seem to want to talk about. I no longer feel able to share in the inconsequential things in life. My feelings have changed in regards to what is truly important and also what is not and so I am less likely to enjoy some of the passtimes that others do, ie. tv shows, work gossip etc.
I am finding joy in the little things in life that mean a lot to my healing right now. That is where I am putting my energies.
I worry sometimes that by isolating myself from my friends and family, I am setting myself up in the future but at this moment I am content to do what it is I need to do for my wellbeing. I am now able to visit with others but find it better to lessen the length and frequency of those visits. I have also started to choose wisely who I spend my time with.
I do remember the isolation that you are referring to. I definately felt that way in the beginning. I felt like I couldn't see others while I was not being honest, as I am normally a very honest person. I felt like I was having to put on a show for others which made me dishonest and that made me uncomfortable. Also I did not feel like I had the energy to deal with any of that at that time and so I chose to isolate myself instead. I remember feeling so very alone and in crisis. That lessened hugely when I discovered TTF and all of you!
So happy we all have each other to help us through all of this! Don't know where I would be without it!
Jenn

[TooSensitive]

Hey, Maggie, your thoughts can be whatever those are, such as what you wrote in your first reply to this thread. But thanks for also answering my question! It was meant to provoke not only why we isolate, but also, how it has impacted our lives.

I too have a ladies night out, tomorrow night. One of my best friends is getting married soon, and her daughter has put together “B’s Last Fling Before The Bling” at a restaurant. It is a middle eastern restaurant, complete with belly dancers. It will be easier to ignore them, since my h won’t be there! I’ve gone up and down this week and have had mixed feelings about going. Earlier in the week, I wasn’t doing so well, and I kept thinking, “I’m going to have to force myself to go Friday night. I can’t miss it b/c of my mood and do that to my friend.” Now, I am looking more forward to it, though not as much as I used to look forward to such things. Yes, it becomes more comfortable and less stressful to stay at home. I don’t honestly know how much of it is due to being a partner, and how much of it is due to me just getting older and being more settled down, not needing to run around as much as I once did, and not even having the same energy to do so any longer anyway! I used to be one of the last ones to leave, and now I am one of the first ones to go, esp. if my h is with me. I’d rather think of leaving a little earlier than usual as my way of compromising, and b/c I am getting older, rather than b/c I am allowing him to control me. If I were, then I wouldn’t even have gone in the first place.

I think what I prefer, as far as the evenings out go, is to stay closer to home. Not that this restaurant is that far away, but it is still going to be a hassle to get there, b/c it’s in the city. Getting there will involve a train ride and then a cab ride, or a lot of walking if weather permits, lugging brown paper bags with bottles of alcohol, since it’s a BYOB. And if I am not able to maintain my current good mood, esp. if something else comes up between now and then with my h, I am going to have to put on that façade, with that smiley face, all the while trying to pretend all is well, when it is not. But, at least now, I am looking forward to going, and I know when I am there, I will have a great time, b/c I will be amongst people I like, who also like me.

Sometimes, when I’m lucky, I have been able to detach from our home life for a few hours, no matter what has been going on, forget about it, let my time with my friends (or whomever) distract me, and actually enjoy myself, and them. Maggie, I hope you are able to do this too, if only for a few hours. You deserve some happy “me” time!

Thank you Maggie, Still, and Jenn for all your also thought-provoking replies!

I don’t “isolate” as much as I used to do. These days, I tend to be “in solitude” more often than I am isolating. It feels like solitude, anyway, b/c I am enjoying it. But, if we spend too much time alone, that is what we get used to, and then sometimes that is what we start to prefer. It is what becomes most comfortable. I don’t think I’m at that point, b/c I rarely say no to an invitation, and I am active enough with my support group, besides all the fun activities my h and I, along with teenage son sometimes, do out and about. But it is something to be mindful of.

[maggie]

Middle of the night Greetings...Too Sensitive!! Yes, I did go out and I did have two glasses of Chardonnay...

But, I want to thank you for your post and your encouragement that inspired me to get out tonight.
I did laugh, I did fake a few laughs, I did smile and I did fake a few smiles...I did not isolate...that is my biggest accomplishment.

When I read your itinerary for tomorrow... busses, trains and cabs and carrying your wine with you..I realized how simple my night out would be. I hope you have decent weather for traveling.... what an exciting way to get together. We all just got in our SUVs and drove to a home about 10 miles away...

I hope you have lots of fun TS....It will be an adventure either way...

maggie

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I don't really isolate myself anymore. I don't go out with tons of people or anything, but then I never did. I am happy being home, this is where I am content. When D day hit though, I isolated myself from my husband by going out and being far from him. He destroyed my safe place and I hated being there. I did isolate myself a little from other people a little later on though, in part because I would not be able to keep my mouth shut. I wanted to shout from the roof tops that this seemingly great guy had everyone fooled. I wanted to yell at every person I thought might be going through the same thing to run and not go back. I wanted to shout at every guy I knew to stop being jerks. So, I stayed away from people because the truth was trying to burst out, along with bitterness, and I just didn't want to spread it around.

[Disillusioned]

I know a thing or two about isolation. It was when I stopped having faith in myself, my relationship with God, the few gifts I seemed to have, about losing confidence that I had anything worthwhile to say that anyone wanted to hear. Things were tough at work with an entirely new administration from the top to the lower administrative levels. Everything changed and the way we did things before and have done for years, all of a sudden was not permitted. I felt like no one wanted anything I had to offer.

Being constantly tired and in pain didn’t help.

When you live with someone and have invested so very much, and tried so very hard to touch him at an emotional and intimate level, and are rejected repeatedly; when there is criticism and never compliments; you know you are not enough. Then you find out that while you were carrying the load of everything here at home, missing him, hoping to hear from him, he was involved with multiple forms of adult entertainment; you feel like a stupid fool, a grown-up girl scout, a non-functioning Polyanna.. (Nothing wrong with Girl Scouts, just my comparison to myself and my naïve, hopeful, but foolish goals). When he tells you he hasn’t been in love with you since the first year of marriage, you think well he hasn’t acted too loving, but there were moments, surely there was love given, wasn’t there? You are so confused, you feel that you have nothing of value, you have poor judgment about others. You believe you don’t have anything to give anymore. Your energy is gone. Depression sets its grip.

When you remind him that he made vows and promises to you and God, and he says he no longer believes, you remember all the times you stayed at home with kids after being home all day with kids, and he couldn’t come home because he was serving God through His church…..and now he doesn’t believe!! How could I have so little understanding of this man after all these years of marriage.

Yes, I will stay at home as I have no sane judgment of character, I am a fool, I have been used and am ready to be discarded, I am old, and my values are outdated. I am nothing.
All my efforts have been in vain. I don’t want to see or talk to anyone. The phone would ring and I wouldn’t answer it. Messages were left, and I didn’t return the call. I didn’t want to see anyone or go anywhere. I had nothing left to give that anyone wanted, and I was as tired as a person could be from all the emotional turmoil and grief.

This is the way I felt till I came here. I was still struggling with my own worth, but I saw the same pain in others. How I regret not coming here sooner. How hard it is to struggle from isolation and depression this long lasting.

I am in a better place emotionally, but that pain is still so close, I can feel it breathe down my neck at times. I want to create more distance to it. I want to believe in myself again.
I want to feel that I have a stronger relationship with God, and that I can be used as an instrument of His peace. I want to love, cause I have so much of that inside, and I want to be able to accept love in return.
I know isolation, and it is not the same as solitude. In isolation there is confusion, loss, depression and pain. In solitude, you have time to think and reflect on life’s events, and regroup to face tomorrow’s challenges.

Thanks for the ? TS. It’s a good one.
disillusioned

[TooSensitive]

OMG, D, I could have written what you wrote myself. You described it all so very well, and in a much more abbreviated version than I would have!

I wish it was possible to "like" a post more than once, b/c if it were, I would "like" your post multiple times. Thanks for writing out your thoughts and feelings as beautifully and as heartfelt as you did, D. B/c what you wrote really captures the heart of this matter for us, and all the pain we used to feel, but hopefully don't at that level any longer. I esp. loved that last line of the first paragraph, b/c it sums up exactly the voice that was constantly echoing in my head when I was still down in that pit for an extended period of time...

"I felt like no one wanted anything I had to offer." and "I had nothing left to give that anyone wanted."

Very strong statements, but the strength lies in the fact that we no longer feel that way about ourselves. I use my previous pain not as a place in which to negatively dwell, but rather, as a place to positively live. Knowing what I've already lived through gives me strength, not more pain, when I view it with the right attitude. It can remind me of what I've survived. It can allow me to thrive and move further down the road toward more healing for myself.

Maggie, I am so glad you went out and had a good time! Even if a few laughs and smiles were faked, at least some weren't. I just knew you'd end up having a good time, and I know tonight, I will too, as I go about my little adventures with my friends!