I just ended it

[dawn1952]

Less than an hour ago, I ended the relationship and walked out the door. I'll hire a mover and get my things in a couple of days. In the meantime, I don't care if I ever see him again.

So, all this time (over a month) I've been pretty much living with my daughter (after she was beat up by her boyfriend) but I'd go over and use my office and we'd have dinner together sometimes. I tried spending the night a few times, but always ended up feeling like it was best if I didn't but I was so confused about my feelings about us and I just told him it was because my daughter needed me -- until about a week ago. Then I told him I was really staying away because I needed to think and that I was trying to figure out a way to love myself, have some self-esteem, and remember that I am a woman! All this time, he's going all puppy-eyed like he's gonna cry when I'm leaving and he's acting pathetic and tells me over and over how he misses me, how he's keeping the bed warm for me, how he came home from work and I wasn't there ... ad nauseum. BUT I'm being pulled back in!!!! Of course, I look at his computer history, looking for proof that I shouldn't go back to him and he hasn't been looking. I check all the familiar places where he keeps his toys and they haven't been moved. I check his DVD drawers and nothing's been moved there either. Nothing to lead me to believe he's been looking at P and so, trusting me, I think "maybe my leaving has had an impact on him!" Not so.

Just a few days ago, we had a talk. I told him I was thinking whether or not I should leave, that I have the perfect chance right now to live with my daughter and all those times we've talked about separating could finally become real. He tells me he never meant it and that he only said those things when we were fighting. Ok. Then we have a nice -- and what I think is "tender" talk where he seems to really be listening to me and I'm opening my heart and spilling it on the floor. I really thought he'd work with me and that he finally understood what I feel when he criticizes my body and never touches me because of it -- but he looks at P every chance he gets. He's a good actor, I guess. And so, we made plans for me to move back in.

The last couple of days, when we talked on the phone, he was cold, distant. It was almost like, once he knew he "had" me again, he relaxed and became more of his old self -- probably who he really is. Last night, he said he was tired and had to go to bed but then, today, when I asked him where we were going tomorrow (we were thinking of heading up to the mountains) he said he didn't have time to plan it because he'd been "sooo busy from the minute we talked last night". Busy? I thought he'd gone to bed.

I went "home" today after having a very sweet birthday party with my 2-year-old granddaughter. G even came with us when we took her to the zoo. He had a doctor's appointment at 5:00 and I got back there about 6:30 thinking he'd be home but he wasn't. So, I went on his computer and looked at his history, praying, hoping he still hadn't looked. Wrong. He'd started the minute he got up yesterday morning (I guess I knew I couldn't trust him to not do it because he had a furlough day at work, I wasn't there, and he gets so bored so easily, which is NOT good for him because it always seems to trigger a "session"). He looked for hours but, more than that, he'd been on a site looking for sex partners! It broke my heart.

Then, this morning -- up until the time he came over to have a birthday party with a 2-year-old baby and acted all "grandpa like" -- he looked again. Woman after woman after woman! it made me sick. So, when he got home I just couldn't hold it in. I told him I'm tired of him cheating on me, I'm tired of the P. He said the conversation was over and I was crazy if I thought he'd stop. I'm crazy for thinking he's cheating on me, he said. I told him I can't trust him any more and that I've completely lost touch with my intuition so that I don't know if it's my intuition or my suspicious nature that's telling me that he's looking for other women. (I'm beginning to think it's my gut instinct.) And what's he say? How do I know YOU'RE not looking for other men! I don't know what you're doing! And I remember how he's told me that, since I think he's cheating on me anyways, he might as well do it. He's such a freaking child!

He also yelled at me that I hadn't lost the weight and that I never did anything for him --- all I do is do what I want. He said that 5 years from now I'll still look the same. So, I got up off the sofa, went upstairs, and gathered my things. I told him that, in 5 years or less, he'll look back and realize he'd lost the best woman he'd ever had. I told him I'm sick of not being respected. I told him that I hadn't lost the weight because I'm sick of thinking I have to do it for HIM!!!! I haven't lost the weight because I resent the he** out of him!!!!

I know I'll panic and I know I'll cry. I already have. But I will NOT go back to him. I have my dignity and I deeply believe that God gave him to me so I can learn to love myself, respect myself, and never let anyone do these things to me again.

I will miss him so much. He's not ALL bad. But I want to get those images out of my head! I want to stop looking at women on the street and thinking how G would love to have sex with them. I want to stop thinking I'm old and used up and not worthy of being loved by a man in a truly intimate way. I close my eyes and I see his face and how sad he was when I was walking out, but I'm sick of his foolish pride and the denial he uses when he hears me say how it hurts me and that I think it's cheating. I have to back away.

[Charly22]

Dawn,

I'm so sorry to hear that things didn't work out for the better. But at the same time, I like hearing about how you are doing this for you. And it is time to take care of Dawn! P is a destroyer. And no matter how hard we might try to make things ok, as long as the p is involved, it will keep destroying. I hope that you find peace in all of this. And I hope that he will one day understand the damage that he has allowed. Your heart can only take so much. Be kind to yourself......

[dawn1952]

Your heart can only take so much.

That's so true. But it's 5am and I haven't really slept and I miss him. I don't know if it's just panic that will go away if I'm strong enough to go through with leaving him or if I'm making a mistake and should try harder. How do I know the difference?

He's a wonderful person in every other way and I love him with all my heart. Why does this have to be so difficult? Why can't he just admit he knows he's doing something that hurts me and care that it does? Why does he have to assert his right to look? Why is it so important to him? I just don't understand and I just don't know how I'll get through waiting for the day that he might understand the damage he's allowed. Will he get it? Will he ever understand? Or will I always be the "bad guy"? The, as he's called me, "sexual adversary"?

My heart is truly aching. I want to be strong...

[JenMac]

Dawn, Be strong!
I am so sorry. This must be so very hard. And you must feel very torn. But I know how you feel, cause I could never live with this in my life. I knew I couldn't. I knew it would destroy my self esteem, my sense of wellbeing. How could it do anything but? When I stop to think about it, I just shudder to think what P does to relationships, to our relationships. I am astonished that society doesn't yet see it that way. But it is so very true that it is critically damaging to all of us. Don't let anyone persuade you differently!
Look after you Dawn! Yes there will be grieving if you are apart. But it is better than grieving while still in the relationship. You have a chance to make yourself stronger as you move forward Dawn. If you remain in a relationship in which there is P, the wounds will keep getting deeper. You won't have that chance to heal.
I hope you have a better day today Dawn! Enjoy that little grandaughter! Be kind to yourself first and foremost!
I am praying for you and sending you good wishes and hugs!
Jenn

[maggie]

Dawn ( sorry you are hurting and so confused )

But Dawn, as an adult woman who is being emotionally abused and the mother of a daughter who has been physically abused, you have to draw on any strength and self-respect you have left and use it to walk away and stay away from this person who continues to hurt you. Love doesn't hurt.

It sounds like your daughter and your new grand daughter need you now. Imagine what a great support you could be for both of them if you are not being pulled in so many directions from this relationship. Worrying, checking and trying to interpret his moods and behaviors to see if he is being honest or lying... that's exhausting.

[cvanden]

Dawn,

I know how hard it is to walk away when you love the person. Just keep remembering that you can love the person and not the addict. BUT you've also got to keep loving yourself enough to not continue to put yourself in harm's way.

That coldness after they think they've got you. I get that. I always called it the push pull....push me away, pull me in. It's horribly confusing, frustrating and crazy making.

I'm thinking of you and I'm sending you strength. You are beautiful inside and out and you are worth taking care of.

Hugs,
Colleen

[maggie]

The " Push Pull " should be the title of a new thread because I've experienced that too from my partner.

As soon as I ' let my guard down ' and begin to live my life in a healthy way, I definitely see him getting colder. I always knew it was a power or control tactic. In fact I have said to him, " Why are you acting that way now, sort of defiant or arrogant, do you think life is back to normal and you're back in...because you are not. Everything here has changed and not in a good way. "

After reading you both describe this behavior, I see it is a control tactic. He is all sorrowful and repentent when I move ahead with my plans to divorce him, but as soon as I put my plans on hold and try to really live with him again and feel happy with him again, I notice a change in his attitude. Sometimes I think this is just him being human; we all take advantage of things/people when life is good and we are comfortable. I don't know. Maybe it isn't manipulative or controlling, maybe it is just human tendency to take for granted. Confused. Yup.

maggie

[Charly22]

Why does this have to be so difficult? Why can't he just admit he knows he's doing something that hurts me and care that it does? Why does he have to assert his right to look? Why is it so important to him? I just don't understand and I just don't know how I'll get through waiting for the day that he might understand the damage he's allowed. Will he get it? Will he ever understand? Or will I always be the "bad guy"? The, as he's called me, "sexual adversary"?

Sexual adversary, that is certainly how I felt. And it goes both ways I reckon. If one feels that way, how can the other not feel that way? But listen, you didn't put this wedge in between the two of you. He doesn't realize that p put the wedge there. And I know that "being strong" sure doesn't feel good right now. None of this feels good.

But you have taken the only action that, in my opinion, that can be of benefit, to both of you. I hope you can take time to look out for you now, and take this time away to work out for youself, what you will and will not accept in a relationship when it comes to p. You have to look out for you, and draw the line, or it will continue to happen, and slowly chip away at your sanity.

I hope you can let us know how you are doing. And please find pleasure in being with your daughter and grandbaby.

[dawn1952]

[QUOTE=Charly22;71098]

you have taken the only action that, in my opinion, that can be of benefit, to both of you. I hope you can take time to look out for you now, and take this time away to work out for youself, what you will and will not accept in a relationship when it comes to p. You have to look out for you, and draw the line, or it will continue to happen, and slowly chip away at your sanity.

Today I'm doing better than I expected. It definitely helps that I have my family's support in this. I don't know what I'd do without my friends either, and that means everyone here. Thank you all.

Better than expected means that I've only felt the panic twice since I got up this morning and I was able to breathe through it. But last night was a different story. I was up until after 1:00 am writing him a letter which I thought I was going to send, but I won't. After I read what I'd written, I started to agree with my mom when she told me I'm being "pathetic" lol. (She told me to leave him, that I was being pathetic thinking it was my fault, and that she raised me to be stronger than that! She's right.)

The letter was basically a guilt-ridden apology where I was telling him I needed to live separately from him for a while but, while I was away, I'd work on my health and do what I promised I'd do. I told him I want to go back but I promise to do that first. I told him how sorry I am that I disappointed him so much.

When I re-read the letter I almost fell on the floor. What a load of cr*p! I mean, at the time I thought I really meant it (and I suppose at the time I wrote it I did) but when I looked at it "intellectually" like my therapist told me to do (instead of looking through the lens of my emotions which is where I seem to always go) I knew I couldn't do it. I was giving my power over to him again. When I went to bed I comforted myself with the thought that I'd call him at work when I woke up (because I know he'll answer the phone when he's there), but when I got up I held myself back. I won't call him. I don't want to be "recycled" again.

I think what bothers me most is that he hasn't called me. So, I don't know if he's self-righteously acting out or if he's falling apart and missing me. I have no idea. I guess I'm really not supposed to care, but old habits die hard and I do care about him. I care a lot and I really don't want to hurt him -- even though he's been hurting me all this time knowing he was doing it. I think the biggest reason why it bothers me that he hasn't come after me is that I feel like I want to see him grovel, I guess. In a way, I want to know he's hurting. Of course, I'm hoping he'll hit rock bottom, that I've rocked his world so hard he'll see the P for what it is and realize he wants me more than it. It's not probably realistic for me to hope for that, but I do anyways.

I know I'll have to talk to him when I'm going to get my things but I'm putting it off until next week because I know what could happen. I'll hear his voice and I'll cave. I'll remember being close to him (as close as he'll let me be), how it feels to sleep with him, things like that. I'll remember doing the day-to-day things with him and I'll want to go back. But it's really not in my best interest to go back. Not unless he changes and I'm afraid that he won't, he can't maybe.

I miss him so much, so yes I am putting a lot of love into my daughter and grandbaby. I feel blessed to have them around. If I was alone doing this, I think I'd go crazy. I still go back and forth wondering if I could have been more tolerant, less controlling and demanding. I wonder if I tried hard enough or if I should have controlled my anger the other night and just let it slide, found other ways to deal with it. I guess I'd just reached my limit by then and a behavior that I believe with all my heart is a deal-breaker (infidelity, which I think p is) became more than I could bear.

I still hate that he's obviously choosing P over me. I can't believe he'd do that. After all the times he told me he loves me (every day, more than once a day) I just can't believe he'd let me go so easily. But then, I'm amazed how he could tell me he loves me, hug me goodbye, and profess how much he'll miss me on Friday morning and then, less than an hour later, head straight upstairs and browse for women. Go on a sex/dating site, even. I know he's sick, but how much do I attribute to that and how much do I attribute to his just being a selfish a-hole? I'm trying to sort all these things out.

[Charly22]

Dawn,

I just want to tell you what I myself have experienced, and am in no way trying to say it should be compared to your situation....

I have found it the hardest thing that I ever had to do, EVER IN MY LIFE, to get a grip on my out of control emotions. This website helped me to become self aware of how I was allowing my emotions to carry me to a place of inability. Inable. So, I can understand your therapist suggesting to view it intellectually rather than emotionally. You just can't allow your emotions to be vulnerable to it all right now. You can still be you, you can still feel the ways you feel, but I found it most helpful when I was finally able to quit allowing my emotions to carry me off to unwanted places. I remember a quote that I read......Emotions are terrible masters, but wonderful servants.

And another that that I have been quite amazed at, through all of this, is how I found that if I force myself to not react, and just wait. Be patient. Don't run with my first knee jerk reaction, this allowed that intellect to find its way in, in time.

I hope you can practice some of that, and I hope you can find a peaceful place in all of this.

Thinking of you.....