10 Signs You May Be in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

[Crisodian]

10 Signs You May Be in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

No matter how attractive, old or smart a woman is, she can be a victim of abuse. Here are some signs of an abusive partner or spouse.

1. Isolates You from Friends and Family: An emotionally abusive spouse wants you all to themself and makes efforts to have it that way. They do not understand that you have a life outside of the relationship - one that includes family and friends. It is healthy and normal for you to hang out with other people as well, so if your partner prevents you from doing so, this may be a sign of a bad relationship.

2. Is Verbally Abusive: If someone calls you derogatory names, even if they say they are joking, they mean to hurt you and keep you in line. Abusers sometimes cover themselves by blaming you, saying that you need to lighten up or that you are too sensitive. You are not too sensitive; you are feeling in your gut that this is not the way you should be treated. Abusers have a way of making you think that this is normal behavior and that it is you who has the problem.

3. Blames Others for His Problems: If your significant other always blames everything on someone else, namely you, this may be a bad sign. If he throws a tantrum or attacks you verbally, he will say it was because of you. It is not a good sign of a healthy relationship if he never takes responsibility and never admits to being at fault.

4. Alcohol and Drug Use: Not all abusers use drugs or drink excessive alcohol, but many do. An addiction can lead to erratic and innappropriate behavior. Substance abuse can be a gateway to emotional abuse and an unhealthy relationship.

5. Instills Fear: If you feel fear around your boyfriend or spouse then there is something very wrong. Abusers may try to intimidate you with violence, dominance or power tactics. For example, showing you their gun collection and stating they are not afraid to use them or intentionally putting you in possibly harmful situations.

6. Punishes You for Spending Time Away from Him: This goes along with the isolation technique, where abusers want you all to themselves. If you do go somewhere or do something without him, or even if he goes along, but others are also there, he punishes you later. An abuser may shout, insult, threaten or worse, because you were not exclusively hanging out with him.

7. Expects You to Wait on Him Like a Servant: An abusive man goes through life feeling entitled to be treated like a king and he wants you to be his willing servant. He expects you to do everything for him and will not help at all.

8. Is Extremely Jealous Of You: A prominent trait of abusers is their jealousy. An abusive partner or spouse is often jealous of you, other people and even your dreams and goals. Their jealousy and rage over intangible things like your aspirations stem from the lack of control they feel over those aspects of your life.

9. Controls You Through His Emotions: An abuser is a grand manipulator and will sulk, threaten to leave, and emotionally punish you for not going along with his idea of how things should be. An abuser will try to make you feel guilty any time you exert your will and assertiveness of what is right for you. At times he will appear to be sorry and loving when you declare that you have had enough and might plead, or even cry, and insist that he will change. This "remorse" doesn't last long though and when he feels secure that he has you back, the abuse begins again.

10. Gets Physical: If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, there is a good chance that eventually things may get physical. At first, he might pull your hair, push you, or grab you so hard that you bruise, but these are the warning signs that things can easily escalate. If your boyfriend or spouse has an explosive temper and you have seen him react with violence before as in breaking things, punching holes in the wall, getting into altercations with others then it is only a matter of time before it is your body he is hitting.

If you think you are the victom of abuse, do not stay silent. It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong.

You can seek help from a trusted friend, family member, physician or call: National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE or 800-799-7233. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 (U.S.A). Don't wait. Breaking the code of silence when it comes to abuse is the first step on the road to breaking the cycle.

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As an abuse survivor, I often see myself in so many of the women who share their stories here. I found this article and thought I would share.

Find peace,
~C~

[TooSensitive]

Thanks for posting this list, C. Also worth looking into is covert abuse and passive-aggressive disorder, in which the abuse is not so obvious. My h is more known for that, but I do see shades of him on this list which seems to be mostly referencing the overt abuse.

My h has “punished” me when he comes along but would rather be doing something else, or would rather have me all to himself, by becoming visibly irritated, yet he won’t come out and tell me what’s going on.

My h has admitted to me that he is jealous of me for my aspirations and personality traits. Areas in which he lacks but I don’t. The very things that attracted him to me also represent threats to his identity. I have told him I wish he’d stop putting so much energy into tearing me down and instead put that energy into building himself up, so that he can be those things, too, if that’s what he desires.

He has tried to control me through his emotions. Doesn’t work as well as it once did.

He has never called me names, but he has intentionally withheld affection, compliments, and attention. He has at times refused to give me what I need, even though those needs were just reasonable expectations that anyone would have.

The shame of it is that abusers were once the abused themselves. The abuse they inflict is how they learn to cope from their own past trauma; it is how they learned to survive. It is how they protect themselves.

It is possible for many of them to learn new behaviors, but it takes an awful lot of therapy and a willingness to change. I have been telling my h again recently that I fear he has some type of personality disorder. The more I read up on it, the more I believe he has passive-aggressive disorder, which does cause them to resort to covert abuse. They don’t do it intentionally; they are conditioned to behaving in the ways they do over the years. Even though what they do hurts, they don’t want to hurt anyone in reality. This knowledge makes it a little easier to move towards forgiveness and to work with them, even though when they’re in the middle of hurting you, it is easy to forget this knowledge.

[Alika]

www.abusednomore.org has many articles on abuse, including characteristics of abusive relationships, controlling communication, manipulative behavior, etc.