Driving this thing

[enuff]

Yesterday we went to see a CSAT who we briefly met with the first time the PA was discovered. In the wake of this latest finding I've gone into control mode. Taken the stupid iPhone, password locked the computer, I take the broadband to work with me (we live in the country so it's mobile broadband!), I took his credit cards and basically locked him down. I made the appointment for treatment (both with local counsellor and the CSAT), threw away the possibly triggering magazines and went through our DVD collection and cleared out the R18 ones. I've nagged about this workbook the CSAT gave him last time and nagged about reading other relationship books. I know this is madness. I want him to drive this. He needs to drive this to recover but last time I left it to him and he waited til the storm had passed only to continue. If course, the CSAT said I need to give him back his stuff because I'm not helping him (I know this!). Thing is I went to get the iPhone last night and ended up freaking out at the thought of giving this liar back his weapon of choice makes me physically ill so I didn't give it back. He hasnt asked. I know I need to but what am I going to do to control my reactions?!

[RMH]

I wish I knew what to tell you..... I'm learning that with my SO, the more I nag and the more I try to 'control' the situation, the less likely he is to respond. That's not the case with everyone though, and in fact I'm still waiting for any type of response from my SO..

All I can say is when I finally 'let go' I just had to learn my own triggers, and avoid them. And that took/takes a LOT of effort, believe me. One day at a time. Isn't there a way to put parental controls on the iphone?? I'd run it by the store and ask the Tech to help you put some filters on it if it's possible.

[TooSensitive]

I found I had an intense need to control. My motivation wasn’t to control him; my motivation was to control my own safety. But I will tell you that it becomes less of an intense need for us to control the safety of our environment, once they start taking more control over themselves, as in making better choices, and doing what’s right vs. doing what’s wrong. If they don’t start working towards making the right choices, b/c they want to change for themselves, too, and not just for us, then it is all futile in the end. An addict must want to change for themselves AND for their partner. If it is only one or the other, their behaviors will continue to hurt their partner and the relationship. There is something called selfishness in recovery, which is what happens when they “only” want to change for themselves, and not for us too. If they only want to change for us, then they will find ways to continue to be selfish in the addiction, hiding behind what is supposed to be recovery.

I used to spend inordinate amounts of time playing detective. I did everything I could in terms of damage control. For a period of time, I would make every effort not to leave him alone in the house, b/c I feared he would use the time to a/o. It wasn’t good for me, though. In the process, I became even more depressed, and I all but stopped living my own life. I had taken on too much responsibility for the both of us. It’s hard to avoid doing, when it doesn’t seem they are taking on any responsibility for themselves.

I understand what you’re doing. But please don’t stop living your life b/c of him. What can I say, I went through that period too, when I was behaving much like you are. When my hypervigilance got in the way of me being me, I knew I had to ease up for my own sanity. I let him make the choice to either keep digging his own grave or start climbing out of it.

I am sorry to read about what you are going through. It doesn’t get any easier until they choose to start doing the work towards recovery. And even then, things can become worse, before they start to get better. It’s not as if once they enter recovery, everything is okay. It doesn’t work like that, though we all wish it did. The journey is a rollercoaster ride full of twists and turns, ups and downs, bumps and emotional bruises.

We partners do have the right to establish safety for ourselves as best we can inside our own homes. RMH has a good suggestion about the iphone. My teenage son’s phone has internet and texting blocked. Though my h doesn’t have these 2 things blocked, he doesn’t have a plan, and if any charges show up for his line, then I question him on them (hasn’t happened in a long time). Both TVs have parental controls on them and only I know the p/w. You need the p/w to order any PPV movies. We don’t have any pay channels, only basic. Both computers have K9 installed, and again, only I know the p/w. None of this means my h can’t a/o, b/c there are plenty of other avenues he could take to do so behind my back. But at least the obvious ones are blocked, which eliminates those particular worries to a high degree. If they’re hell bent on a/o, they’re going to find a way regardless of what “controls” we put into place.

And also as RMH mentioned, identifying what your own triggers are, and then taking steps to avoid those as much as possible can help. We can’t constantly live it 24/7 without some type of break from it. For me, sometimes I cannot watch TV with him. Sometimes I cannot go out with him, or only to certain places. Beaches and water parks are off-limits, as are certain movies.

Hope you find some peace for yourself, Enuff. It’s hard to do when they are still in our lives, and they are still a/o. It takes a very conscious effort to emotionally “detach” from the effects of what they’re doing and instead put our focus upon ourselves, so that we can begin to heal from all the damage. But I found that’s what I had to do for a time, so that I would survive. I wasn’t giving him permission to keep a/o; I was giving myself permission to begin the journey towards my own healing. Whether or not he chose to keep a/o was on him. It wasn’t going to hurt my self-esteem any longer, though it would continue to hurt our relationship. When I healed myself to some degree, I was in a better position to then help him. It got to the point where he knew if he did not open his mind to allowing me to help him (b/c it seemed he did not have what it takes to help himself), then we were not going to make it.

I know how hard it is to let go of that control. Yet if we don’t, the addict will just keep resisting. It’s a good step in the right direction, that your h and you are seeing the CSAT. I feel they are most qualified to help. But if your h does not want to also change for himself, and he is only going b/c he has been pushed into going, if he doesn’t ever cross that threshold of also wanting to change for himself, then it will be a waste of time and money. He has to really start to feel the benefits of becoming a better person within himself. He has to realize the benefits for himself, for you, and for your marriage. When he does, that is when he will want to recover for all concerned. That is when the selfishness begins to slip away. That is when the giving starts – giving to himself, giving to you, and giving to your marriage.

It takes a lot of hard work and a lot of time, before they finally start to see the light. And even then, there may be times when the darkness slips back in again.

Besides reading here, it might help you to also read books and articles for partners. A good book is “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse”, but there are many others. I also found I had to get into therapy for myself for awhile. I needed a place out in the real world where I could safely vent to someone. I also needed someone trained to help me find the right tools so I could start healing myself. My therapist wasn’t specially trained to help partners, but being a sensitive woman like me, she was able to offer me validation, support, and so much more.

Just please get help for yourself, as much help as you need, so that you don’t totally lose yourself and drown in his mess of an addiction.

[RMH]

Too Sensitive elaborated on everything I was trying to say... Thank you TS. :)

[enuff]

Thank you for your responses! TooSensitive, you definately hit the nail on the head when you said that it's about protecting myself. I sorted the computer and gave him back the iPhone. I just hope he's strong enough not to call my "lie to me about this ever again and it's over" bluff.