In denial?.....

[StollenHeart]

Its been awhile since I visited TTF. After discovering my h with his addiction last february, I decided to go to college to get myself a career. I am already almost finished school and even with our marriage problems and being a mom of two young boys I have managed an A average. Did I mention my he is threatened by this? I have gotten very little support from him, but I am fighting through!During this time he swore there was no relapse, no computer use. Deep down I think I knew he was lying. He still swears he is doing gooood even when I found a soft core pic site on his cell, visited daily! He now doesnt want to touch me and will not get an erection. He won't do counseling, look at this site, and gets angry and defensive when I bring up our " issues". Am I the one in denial thinking my marriage can work? That we can get through this? IThis is my second marriage, my first was abusive so I left...I don't want another divorce and failed marriage! But my self esteem is low, I am un happy, lonely, and burnt out.What should I do? Anyone else going through this?? I have no one to talk to who understand. Feeling brokenS H

[Crisodian]

SH,
I'm sorry to hear what is happening on the PA front, but I am thrilled to hear you are following your plan of getting an education and a career! What a great thing for you! I know life may not be flowers and roses right now, but you have much to be proud of. No matter what support you do or do not get from your H, just focus on the fact that your education goal is within reach and look at all you have achieved. I have 2 young boys myself and I work full time, so I can completely empathise with the amount of effort you must be putting forth with school to maintain such a great average.

As far as what you have shared about your H's behavior, it certainly sounds like he is using again. Everything you have descibed is very typical denial behavior for the addict.

Sadly, no one here can tell you what to do about your marriage. Have you given your H an ultimatum? Have you written down a list of what you will and will not accept as far as his behavior is concerned? Have you told him or written him a letter to tell him how this latest bout of behavior is affecting you?

First and foremost, you need to be happy. It's your life, your home, and your marriage too. You have a right to set some expectations for what you will and will not accept in your home and in your life. You empowered yourself by going back to school. Continue to empower yourself by asking for what you need and want from your marriage.

While all of us here live different lives, we're all walking the path of healing. You will find those who understand and can support you here at TTF.

Find peace,
~C~

[Charly22]

Am I the one in denial thinking my marriage can work? That we can get through this? IThis is my second marriage, my first was abusive so I left...I don't want another divorce and failed marriage! But my self esteem is low, I am un happy, lonely, and burnt out.What should I do? Anyone else going through this?? I have no one to talk to who understand. Feeling brokenS H

Hi StollenHeart,

I totally agree with everything Cris has said. And only you can decide what should happen with your marriage. I went through so many YEARS (that's right, I said YEARS) of hoping, waiting for things to change, arguing, feeling alone, feeling like the outcast for not being able to accept it, feeling less than or second to his p habit, even putting my feelings aside in order to please. I supressed so much of how this made me feel, to the point that it became physically unhealthy for me. Signs were coming at me all around, from every angle that I had to take control and do something.

Then I found this website. TTF was and still is, my place to come to set it all down, to let it out, to let those feelings come out instead of trying to deny them. And truthfully, the p use and consequences of it got so bad that it pushed me to the brink, it pushed me over the edge. So, if you aren't feeling like you are able to give an ultimatum, or consider divorce, in time your heart will demand what it needs, it can only take so much.

I strongly encourage you to talk about it here, and let it out, and find support here. I hope that in time, you can gain enough strength (cause we have to admit, if we let it, it consumes us, makes us weak, and makes us feel unable) to take some action against what is causing this in your life. Whatever action that is will be up to you. But until you set some boundaries up, and start demanding what you need, and start putting yourself first, you will find yourself stuck in this pit that we call p addiction. It is crushing to a woman's soul. It is devastating. It is wrong in every way. It's really tough to hang on and work through this, and I am proud that you are here, to share, to let it out, and help yourself! You have to right now, you have to help yourself!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

SH-

Congrats on going to school and working on a career! In a marriage where you can only rely on yourself, it is so amazing to know you CAN rely on yourself!

Wow, things sound bad for you in your marriage right now. You have a lot to think about. I can't advise you, but I can tell you what I think. It is important to decide and define for yourself what you can and can't live with and what makes a successful marriage. If you know you can't live with P and the consequences, then your husband needs to know. My only advice, after I said I wouldn't give any, is don't fight about it. When you fight about it, that diminishes the impact in your husband's eyes. It tells him, "sure, she says she doesn't like it, but the only thing that happens is she gets mad from time to time. Its not a deal breaker and besides I like it, so I will keep on doing it."

If I were in your shoes, I would want to give it time to work, but I wouldn't want to be stuck in a P heartbreak cycle indefinately. So, I would tell him clearly, in a letter, how you feel about P and what it does to you personally, your relationship, and your physical intimacy together. I wouldn't make the letter too long, since that seems to lose people's interest. I would also state clearly what I would like to see happen in terms of actions in order to know this issue is being worked. I would also say that I am not trying to control my husband, just my own life and I can't live with this in my life. Then I would give a time frame where I expect to see some actions taken. I would also commit to working on the marriage together in the form of counselling or communication classes, or simply even dating and making time for one another. Then, I would wait, and if the letter is met with anger and no action, I would work on detaching, but not fighting. Then your husband could see that this issue is so serious for you that it affects your entire relationship. This is what I would do, because P destroyed my life and I simply can't live with it at all.

But you are not me, and your actions will be your own. If you read along in SO journals, you will see the actions many of us have taken, with varying degrees of success. Some people go with the soft approach, some go with the hard approach. All approaches have merit, but you have to find what works for you and how willing you are to have P in your life for a long time. Most PAs won't quit if they can have their cake and eat it too.

I wish you well and congrats again on your schooling.

[cvanden]

Sending you warm, encouraging thoughts. You definately aren't alone. Kudos for going back to school. I'm doing that right now and I know it can be stressful but at the same time I've found it to be a huge blessing.

As others have said you and you alone have to decide how much is too much or how little is too little as the case may be. Personally, reading other's journals, writing my own, and joining an s-anon group helped me to clarify my own path. Being able to come here and feel the understanding of those working through it is a huge help.

Cyber hugs,
Colleen