How do you see Action from SO?

[RMH]

I've made a list of things that I NEED to SEE (actions) from my SO during this time so that I can know that he is working towards getting better, not only with the P and MB, but with our relationship and the communication as well. We've already identified that he has issues expressing his feelings, which is a big trigger for me, just with our relationship in general (which leads down the path of infedility questions, then the porn/MB use, etc....)

What have you requested from your SO during YOUR recovery, to show you that he meant business about getting better?

Some things I've written on my list (keep in mind we are currently geographically seperated):

1) Initiate at least 1 email a week pertaining to our relationship, both positive and/or negative, that starts with "I feel".
2) Initiate an e-mail 1/wk with notes and feelings on 1 chapter in the book "The Porn Trap" and I will do the same
3) Actively seek counseling whilst away, indivdual not only for the P/MB, but also for the feelings (expressing). I'm already seeking indivdual counseling. And he has agreed to couples once he returns
4) Post to this website in the recovery journals 2/wk, as a way to seek peer counseling while you are away and can possibly not seek face to face counseling.


These are just a few of the things that I think that *I* need to see from him, while he's gone, to show me that he means business and is serious about working on 'us'. Is it asking to much? It's so hard being geographically seperated during a time like this becuase I can't SEE what he's doing to try to make himself better.

[Crisodian]

RMH,
Good post and question. I think what we need to "see" varies for each of us. For me, it was less about words and more about "saying what you are going to do and then doing it", but unlike you and your H, my spouse and I were not apart. In my case, I needed my H to realize that I needed honesty in ALL areas, not just when it came to P. If he called to say he was headed home for work and didn't show up until later than expected, that triggered me big time. It took a while for him to embrace that this was all encompassing, but it clicked for him.

I like your list. Never be afraid to continue to add to the list over time. Make it "living" so that it will continue to grow with you and your H as you walk towards recovery.

Find peace,
~C~