When The Therapist Is A Good Fit

[TooSensitive]

Maggie made a great suggestion in BHA’s journal today. She suggested getting a thread started that explores “good therapy” experiences.

Over the years, I’ve had both good and not-so-good therapy experiences. I won’t get into any of those that don’t pertain to this struggle we are all facing here.

I was fortunate enough to cross paths with a female therapist of my own. I first sought her out b/c I had been feeling severely depressed again, after a 15-year hiatus from such an episode. I could not figure out why I found myself in the middle of such an episode. With her help, we determined that my h was in fact a trigger for my depression. But this did not come without months of work. As time went on, we began to unravel, slowly but surely, that my h was in fact a sex addict. She was the one who first suggested this, based upon not only my own observations that I shared with her, but also, through meeting with him during both individual counseling sessions and couples counseling sessions. When I began to do my own research, the light bulbs began to come on. Otherwise, I was oblivious to the concept of “sex addiction” and would have never thought it applied to my h, b/c my definition of that was someone who had escalated far beyond where my h had.

Though counseling partners and SA’s was not her niche, she was very helpful to me in my healing. She was the one who helped me rebuild my self-esteem. She was the one who believed in me enough to help me start believing in myself again, too. She not only supported me and encouraged me along the way, she validated me and my feelings, as well as giving me the tools and helping me learn the skills to help myself. Ultimately, it was the inner work I did that saved me; but she was the one who was instrumental in pointing me in the right direction. And if my thoughts were not rational, and if I needed to be challenged, she did that too. She didn’t coddle me by any means. She was tough with me, when she had to be; and tender with me, when that was what was needed. I think ultimately, not only did it often feel as though we were kindred spirits b/c of how much we were alike and b/c of how much our personal beliefs aligned, she was also a woman who had suffered through some of her own experiences, on which she was able to draw in helping me. Ours was a very unconventional patient-therapist relationship, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

I was so lucky to find her. Not everyone is so lucky. I’ve learned that we have to be our own best advocates, and if we are not totally comfortable with our therapist, we do need to move on and look elsewhere. Don’t stop looking, until you find the right one that fits. Just as you would not go back to a mechanic whom you didn’t like for any reason, you shouldn’t go back to a therapist whom you don’t like, either. All I know is that I wanted to be happy again, and I wanted to get well, and I was barely surviving, before I found her.

A good therapist helps you learn how to help yourself, at a time when you don’t seem to know how.

My h’s first therapist was a disaster. He was a “sports” therapist, whatever that means. He was resistant to me coming to one of the sessions, and in the aftermath, I understood why. He didn’t want me to interrupt the pattern of enabling that was going on. He also knew I had the power to undermine him. I was reeling in the aftermath of that one session, b/c he implied that I should be okay with my h’s fantasies and lusting, and that b/c I wasn’t, it must be due to my own insecurities from my own childhood issues. He actually asked me why I couldn’t just laugh it off, like other women did.

I undermined him, but not that night. Things became far worse between my h and I. After 2 months of that, my h came to me and said, “I need your help, b/c I can’t go on living like this, with things so bad between us.” I handed him a list of local CSAT’s. I told him that so long as he stayed with the “sports” therapist, he was not going to get anywhere. I told him, “This is what you need, IMO.” He severed his relationship with the sports therapist, and began seeing the CSAT.

But even at that, change was slow in coming. Despite, I saw the most change happening once he began seeing the CSAT. We went through a period of my h a/o again behind my back, which resulted in a 3-month in-house separation. I can’t say if any of that was due to the CSAT not doing his job. I lean more towards my h not doing his job while in recovery. A therapist, no matter how good, can only do so much, when he’s not getting the whole picture.

This time around, both my h and I are seeing the CSAT together, for couples counseling. If my h was not agreeable to this, I would have just kept seeing him on my own. But my h was agreeable. We have had 3 sessions now together, and with each one, my anxiety is decreasing, and my anticipation is increasing.

Our CSAT has validated me, my feelings, and what I’ve gone through, as a result of my h’s behaviors. He is specially trained to deal with this. He is better at dealing with us as a couple, than my own therapist was. That is through no fault of her own; she just hasn’t had the training is all. He has. Though I did wrestle for several months over which one to see as a couple. But I knew we had to start seeing someone.

Our CSAT has a way of describing things in a way that my h is more apt to understand. Between our sessions there, and some of the talks we’ve had in between, I feel as though my h is beginning to “get” some things. Not everything, but some things. I don’t expect a light switch to be flipped; I don’t expect all things to change overnight. But the resistance that was previously there, isn’t there so much now. Sometimes it does take a third party to intervene.

My h is starting to understand the reasons behind some of his behaviors. The CSAT is helping my h understand that at some point, when we are adults, we have to stop giving power to the past, as it played out in our childhoods and when we were young adults. He is helping my h to see what happens as a result of not allowing connections to form. He is helping my h to see that so long as he gives power to his past and the voices from his past, those are going to prevent him from having a connection with me. The past can get in the way of the present, and it has for my h. I don’t behave at all like his ex-wife, yet in giving her memory everlasting power, he at times treats me just as he treated her, which I don’t deserve. And I am learning not to give any power to my h’s behaviors, nor to “our” past, either.

Our CSAT is helping my h to learn the value of honesty and transparency, too. The sessions can be overwhelming, but good sessions are, I’ve learned. It is what registers in the aftermath, after you let it all sit for a bit, that is important.

I was fortunate to have found my former therapist, whom I no longer see. At first, that was b/c of her medical leave, and then, it was due to lack of finances. Now, it is b/c I no longer need her help. I am doing well most of the time on my own. That is a true testament to how much she helped me, when I was still seeing her. I feared I could not get along without her, yet I’ve discovered I can.

We are fortunate to have found this CSAT. I have to assume that at least part of the reason why I no longer feel the need to see my own therapist is b/c the CSAT is filling any void that may have been left.

I realize that therapy is not for everyone. But I cannot recommend it enough, esp. if you have tried everything else without success. If you still feel you are struggling too much, and you feel “stuck” too much of the time, then perhaps you could consider seeing a therapist, who may be able to help you get “unstuck”. Mine did. I am in a far better place now, than I was when I first began seeing her. I still have days when I struggle, but my struggles don’t happen as often, and my struggles aren’t as intense as they once were.

[maggie]

Thank you for getting this started TS!

Not sure if there are other threads about this on TTF, but this is a great start.

My H saw an addiction counselor from a large University, he was a licensed social worker.

I never met him but sounded like a kind, intelligent man who basically tried to help my H, but I'm sure my H did not give him all the facts.

He emphasized that rebuilding trust would be difficult and that my H had to be accountable in every single aspect of his life.

My H insisted that even though he had hundreds of saved clips and photos, he only looked at them for a few minutes about once a week for three years. I find this statement incredible and we had many heated arguements over that. I kept insisting that this type of powerful addiction or compulsion doesn't work that way, and it sounded as silly as an alcoholic having one drink a week !

His counselor let him insist he only looked once a week for about 5 minutes, but added that even though you may have only looked for 5 minutes... p is created to burn a long lasting image in the mind and it is a mindset 24 hours a day.

So basically the therapist accepted my H's lie, that he only used 5 min a week ( he had hundreds of saved clips and I watched him lock himself away for 30 minutes at a time with his laptop) but explained to him that the images and the feelings or arousal they cause are there alot longer than 5 minutes. They do not disappear and the mind is not cleansed and clean after. No these images live on, twisting thoughts and perceptions. I think this was some of the most valuable advice the therapist gave him.

Although, I wished he had pushed back some at my H about his minimizing times and using. That was not his style of therapy.