Your definition of Co-Dependent or Co-Addiction

[Charly22]

I was hoping to hear people's thoughts on what their first thoughts and definitions of co-dependency means. Please don't go look it up, or ask someone else. Please tell me what you first think of when someone says co-dependency? If someone called another persons co-dependent, what is your image of co-dependent?

[TooSensitive]

Hi Charly,

My first thoughts are of someone who is so dependent upon another, that they can no longer do anything for themselves, or go anywhere by themselves. They are totally reliant on another for emotional reasons, not physical ones (such as being physically handicapped and needing the assistance of others).

Someone co-dependent has no independence, b/c they have given that independence away. And they allow someone else to make many, if not all, of their decisions for them. They lean on someone else to do everything for them, that they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves. They stop living their own lives, and they take on the life and the identity of the one to whom they are closest.

It is easy to confuse co-dependence and a reaction to trauma. B/c the resulting behaviors are nearly identical. The difference between the two lies in the interpretation of the behaviors and the reasons behind the behaviors. I suppose a difference of opinion comes into play, too.

I could go into a whole sidebar of what happens when we’ve been traumatized, but one only need look elsewhere on this board, as well as in certain books, to read about that.

I think in the end, it has to be whatever one feels is what applies to them, in their own situation, and in their own lives. We all have “stuff” from our past which influences who we are and how we react today. Does that mean the whole entire world is co-dependent? I think not.

And when we are in a serious relationship, there is a natural amount of reliance and dependence upon the other. That’s just how relationships work – or at least that’s how they are supposed to work, from what I know.

Maybe someone has lost their ability to do things on their own b/c they are struggling with depression. That depression may have nothing at all to do with their spouse. Does that then make them co-dependent, b/c they are relying on their spouse to drive them around everywhere – b/c they don’t feel emotionally up to it to drive themselves – or are they simply taking some much-needed down time, until they feel better?

I guess if the behavior goes on for too long, then it might be considered co-dependent. But whose right is it to define how long is too long? Is that months, or is that years?

I think when we are traumatized by those we love the most, we do become more reliant upon them, albeit in unhealthy ways. As we try to come to terms with what has just happened, we seek some kind of approval from those who have just hurt us. We do allow them to define, for a time, how we feel about ourselves. That isn’t intentional – it is just human nature, I feel. We look to the very person who has hurt us to stop the hurt. What else are we supposed to do in that moment?

Our irrational behavior is in fact a very rational and normal reaction, that anyone who has experienced any other type of trauma would be given the luxury of expressing. Would anyone call a victim of crime co-dependent upon the criminal, just b/c they react in certain ways following the crime? I think not.

In a way, we are victims of crime, figuratively-speaking. Is it any wonder we react with many of those same behaviors, as a victim of crime would? It is only through time and healing that any victim learns how to come to terms with what has happened and with what they have been feeling and how they have been behaving as a result. It takes a lot of time to go from being a victim to being a survivor, and then, to actually thriving.

We are victims (initially, anyway), and some people need to learn that we too need time to heal. In the interim, I don’t appreciate automatically being labeled co-dependent, myself. I am sure some people do deserve that label, and for some, they do feel it applies. I just don’t feel it applies to everyone across the board, and only applies if you think it is what applies to you.

Thanks for raising this question, Charly. And sorry for going off on the trauma sidebar, even though I said I wouldn’t!

TS

[HopefulsRock]

Hey Charly, I love the way you asked this,

Please don't go look it up, or ask someone else

...so I didn't even scroll down and look at others!

Rock-tionary-

Co-Dependent: a person who aids another person in achieving that person's vice or addiction, an enabler.

Co-Addiction: someone who is obsessed with constantly trying to cover up a close friend or family members addiction and in a sense becomes addicted themselves to the task of covering it up.

[2frustrated]

A co-dependent person feels little or no self worth apart from the person he/she is dependent on.

[Charly22]

I think there are many different definitions. Many different opinions. Many different interpretations. My point I hope to make is this....

Alot of us don't think of ourselves as co-dependent. Alot of us would not even consider calling ourselves co-dependent, and think "there is no way I am co-dependent, not me, that is not me."

I bet 100% of the pa's here at one time or another used the words "I am not an addict". Yet find themselves benefitting from the advice and goals that an addict would need to follow.

I think I agree mostly with 2frustrated's definition "A co-dependent person feels little or no self worth apart from the person he/she is dependent on." Now, this sounds like it applies to one's whole world. Well, when you are in love and in a relationship, it is your whole world. But really, how do you feel knowing that your husband/boyfriend/partner/spouse looks at p rather than reach for you for satisfaction? Makes that self worth take a plunge don't it? Now, I'm not saying that because p addiction causes a SO to have these feelings, that SO is co-dependent in every area of their life. But, I think we are co-dependent by default in this arena. How can we not be? We do depend on our partner to provide security, love, affection, and when p takes all that away, there we are, left feeling like chopped liver.

I guess I am trying to encourage anyone who hears the label "co-dependent" to please not dismiss the advice and strategies that alot of material on co-dependency can offer. It's a label. Most of us don't like labels.

But in the midst of this p addiction struggle, even though you are not a total co-dependent person in every area of your life, and it does not apply to all areas, please consider how it DOES apply in a relationship where your partner is a pa. The advice and tips and strategies offered in co-dependent material are a hidden treasure. It will help you gain strength to stand. It will help you love that part of you when the one who should be isn't. It will help you climb up outta the hole that p addiction threw you into. I found alot of the books and materials on this subject to be helpful, very helpful in fact.

Co-dependent

Addict

Ugly labels noone wants to accept.

[Charly22]

I'd also like to point out what TS had to say:

"It is easy to confuse co-dependence and a reaction to trauma. B/c the resulting behaviors are nearly identical. The difference between the two lies in the interpretation of the behaviors and the reasons behind the behaviors."

So, if the resulting behaviors are nearly identical, no matter how they were generated, wouldn't it be safe to assume that you could apply the same healing techniques?

[Charly22]

And I'm also intrigued by Rock's interpretations. And I always thought co-dependency and co-addiction were the same thing. Are they two different things?

[HopefulsRock]

Ha ha... you asked for it right off the top of the Rock so to speak! I've never read and wrote so much stuff in my life since coming to TTF and I'm constantly looking up words and I'm intrigued by how many there are! To me if two things have two different names then there has to be some kind of a difference, doesn't there?

[TooSensitive]

This is a subject about which I feel very passionate, Charly. Over the past few days, in private, I have written 20 pages on the subject of co-dependency/co-addiction. On those pages, I defend the “trauma” model, and I reject the “co” models. But, it is all simply my opinion. Opinion is not right, and opinion is not wrong. Opinion is just what happens to be right for “me”. I respect, and I accept, that others will have their own opinions, which will sometimes differ from my opinion.

Some of the best stuff I have read in an effort to heal myself has not been written specially for partners. It is self-improvement material that anyone can use, no matter their struggles in life. I began rebuilding myself by first rebuilding my self-esteem, and it just went from there. I knew my self-esteem was the backbone of who I was, and that everything else would follow. But I couldn’t begin doing that, until I first allowed myself to feel all that intense pain I was feeling, face it, embrace it, work through it, and then finally accept it for what it was. To deny myself that would have held me back in other ways. I could not move forward without first working through that. That doesn’t mean I don’t still have times of pain, b/c I do. But my pain is far less intense now, and I have learned how to move through it and how to better manage it, if and when it hits.

As I understand it, there is a difference between the terms “co-dependent” and “co-addict”, though I believe if you are one, then you are also probably the other. And many people do use the 2 terms interchangeably, or at least together, b/c they do seem to go hand-in-hand. The book I mention below explains both.

As I also understand it, there are 2 very distinct methods of healing between the “trauma” model and the “co-dependent/co-addict” model. The former focuses more on healing from the pain first, and rebuilding yourself from the ground up; the latter typically uses the 12 steps, which from what I’ve read, don’t allow room to heal from the pain of the trauma. And that comment was made by a partner who had already done the 12 steps in an effort to heal. After you’ve already been broken apart, they want you to break yourself apart even further, as if there is anything left to even break apart. The 12 steps ask you to do things that are nearly impossible to do, without first healing to some degree from the pain. Maybe there are some partners who have already managed to do this instinctively, and they are at the right place to begin working the 12 steps. Maybe there are some partners who aren’t experiencing a high level of pain. This journey is different for each one of us.

The authors of the book, “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse”, can explain it far better and in much more depth than I can here. I don’t know if you’ve read that book or not. I realize that not everyone will identify with that book, in the way I did. I think the important thing is that each of us finds something with which we identify. So long as we are finding ways to heal ourselves that seem to be working, does it really matter what those ways are?

I know you don’t want anyone to miss out on things you have discovered are of value to you, in your healing. I do appreciate that. As I heal, it is becoming easier for me to simply take what I want and leave the rest. But I still find that when reading the “co” literature, it still has the ability to push my buttons. I cannot take any blame for what my h has done; and I cannot accept any responsibility for what my h has done. My impression, and maybe that is mistaken, is that the “co” models expect us partners to do both of those things.

I have to accept responsibility for healing myself; but I will not accept responsibility for the reason behind why I am in this position to begin with. If someone else wants to, that is their prerogative. I wouldn’t think any less of them for it. I just have to stand tall in what I believe to be right and true for me is all.

I prefer the “trauma” model, b/c it is the one that feels right for me. The “co” models feel foreign to me. That is the best way I can put it.

I hope I have not offended you, nor anyone here, by what I’ve written. And I may sound defensive in some of what I’ve written. I only wanted to explain why, for me, the “co” labels and models don’t feel right. But I do understand and respect that others may not react so strongly to them, as I do.

[bethann27]

co-dependent to me means someone who enables the addict
co-addict to me means someone who is also addicted or participates in the addiction

I relate very well to what TS says. But for me the feeling is probably stronger. The term co-dependent makes me cringe. I simply refuse to accept any blame for the addicts choices. Honestly, I feel that a lot of the "co" material has the potential to cause more hurt.

Reading info about the trauma model is what gave me hope for healing for my marriage and the courage to say NO this is not acceptable. With that said . . . Taking responsibility for my own healing (from the hurt caused by the addiction) and learning to be able to respond to the "roller coaster" ride with grace is something I can strive to do.

Love the fact that you opened up this thread!