Your definition of Co-Dependent or Co-Addiction

[Charly22]

From an online dictionary:

Co-dependent -of or pertaining to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

OR

a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin)

Co-Addiction:

Co addicts are persons who have developed an unhealthy relationship pattern as a direct response to the close involvement with someone who has the disease ...

I interpret these definitions as meaning this to me....co dependecny or coaddiction is a state of mind or behavior that happens to the partner or spouse of someone who is addicted. I don't interpret it as any kind of "fault" of the partner or spouse, or see it as the partner or spouse is addicted to the same thing. Now, after years of living with this kind of turmoil, and let the turmoil resolve and go away, then the parnter or spouse will find themselves "stuck" in these kinds of behavior patterns, almost addicted themselves, stuck and not know how to quit thinking the negative thoughts, don't know how to trust now that the addiction is gone, doesn't know how to change the patterns and behaviors that came about because of the original addict.

I dont' see co-dependecy or co-addiction as the stigma that gets attached to it.

I was reading in TS's journal, and heard the exact same kind of methods that I learned while reading about co-dependency, now being shared under the lable of "emotional sobriety". Interesting.

It's not our fault. But it is up to us to change. Every one of us brings an element to the relationship. Each one of us adds ingredients into the mix. If you were feeling down and out, wouldn't it be nice if your spouse were able to remove his chip on his shoulder and be there for you? It goes both ways. I know people are going to take offense to what I'm trying to say here. I wish I had a better way of expressing what I'm trying to say.

[Charly22]

I guess what I'm trying to do here is ask those, who are in the same spot I've been in (and still find myself in sometimes) where anger, bitterness, resentment, fear, etc. are ruling my actions and moods and behaviors, to humble ourselves enough to read, listen, digest what co-dependency materials try to show us. I believe it tries to show us that the situation we've found ourselves in, married or in a relationship with someone who is broken. We keep expecting them to not be broken, we expect them to be our rock, and they can't be, not while they are broken, not while they refuse to repair the cracks and the weaknesses that keep allowing us to fall when we do try to lean on them.

We have to fight for ourselves. We have to become stronger. We have to repair our own cracks and not expect them to help us with that. And maybe, just maybe, we become the strong one. They can lean on us while they in turn fight for their own selves.

If your partner's addiction has allowed you to fall.......it is my opinion that you could benefit from researching and learning about co-dependency. It doesn't mean that his addiction is your fault. It doesn't mean that you are the reason he became addicted. It doesn't mean that you caused him to run to p. What it means is.....in a perfect world, we should be able to lean on our spouse/partner, but when your spouse/partner is addicted, you cannot expect to lean on him. What do you lean on then? You learn to stand on your own. That's what co-dependency taught me, and encouraged me to do.

[betrayed family]

co-dependent... to me... Helping the addict achieve his goal... get his fix... breaking down barriers or creating situations to facilitate their acting out!!
co-addict... to me.. the other person gains something from the addict acting out... maybe they join in ... or they get rewarded in someway for allowing it to happen... maybe they enjoy the chaos...
For me I refuse both of these lables... althouggh maybe as suggested by Charly I should open my mind up and learn from some of these books on codependents.... hmm??
I know that I have never knowingly been a co-addict or a co-dependent...
I also know that in every walk of life there are unique personality traits and behaviors for every person in our lives.... It is our choice to "put up with" there quirks... to bend to allow a relationship with that person to continue...
Here is an example... My new next door neighbors... kind, giving, helpful neighbors... good people... BUT .... they both have severe drinking problems... alcoholics... Now I could say... I can not accept you because you are alcoholics... cut off all ties.. But I don't... I share good times with them when they are sober... gently talk about the trouble I see and offer to help... and tolorate them when they are drunk... Lines have been drawn and they both know I will not tolorate them around the kids drunk ... but I don't throw them over... See my point?
This behavior, I do not believe, makes me a co-dependent with them or a co-addict... never once have I bought them alcohol, taken them to get alcohol or offered them a drink...
As for this addiction... the same logic stands... I do NOT support, encourage, foster, supply or can I any longer tolorate it.
Betrayedfamily

[Charly22]

I agree with you BF. I agree that we know that it is not our fault. We did not help them continue in their addiction. And if this is what co-dependent means, then I am not co-dependent. But in all the co-dependent materails I have read, I have not once read that it means that it is the co-dependents fault. I have never read that it means that the co-dependent handed the addict their drug, or benefited from the acting out. What I have read is the consequences that our emotional reactions have. The consequences of not being strong enough to show tough love. The ways that my own emotional weaknesses have kept me from being strong enough to push.

I believe that co-dependent has this wrong misjudged label put on it. I believe that most people think of it is what you described, and therefore never give the lessons it has to teach a chance.

I started this thread hoping to break that myth.

[doodans]

What is co-dependent and what is co-addict without looking it up.
Co-dependent is someone who gets their self worth through the behaviours and actions of someone else. They are dependent on this other person to define them.
Co-addict, is one who enables an addict, either by participating themselves, minimizing the impact, or who has a full fledged addiction themselve..therefor embodying the same personality disorders...lacking self soothing skills.....etc...
I am seeing that I have read so much in the last 2 years that I am not having to look it up.
I think labels, that is a label too...can be very helpful, taking full responsibility for our behaviours, not living in a fantasy of our making.
They can also be very damaging when the label interferes with a healthy self worth. However you get there.....there is not just one path. Whatever works for you in the moment. I mean if carrying around a label is impeding progress, and you need to see it differently to behave differently....that is certainly an area that strengthens boundaries. Support for our personal process, acceptance of differences...permission for expression....