Anybody here with a PA who refuses to recover?

[dawn1952]

Hi Mary, I really don't have any great advice, unfortunately, but I just wanted to send you ((((hugs)))). My situation turned into me leaving him and him begging me to come back. I didn't. Well, really I tried 4 times but I just couldn't get past his P and his insistence that I change (not him) to accommodate what he calls his "limitations." I'm incredibly sad but I'm holding my ground, I set my boundaries (which were to stop P or I'd leave) and he chose the P over me.

Just remember to do what's best for you, mary. At least he admits he has a problem, so I'd hold onto that hope and not give up.

[Charly22]

Just remember to do what's best for you, mary. At least he admits he has a problem, so I'd hold onto that hope and not give up.

I agree with Dawn, you gotta do whats best for you. That was hard for me. It was hard because I felt like I was being "selfish", and not being the giving loving person that I've always been, always tried to put others first and all that good codependent stuff. But in the situation of s and p addiction, the addiction will take every possible advantage of any avenue it can find. So, your loving caring forgiving understanding heart can be taken advantage of.

It is good that he admits that he needs help.

But I don't like that YOU are asking HIM when he is coming back. It should be the other way around. HE should be asking YOU when he can come back. He should be showing you that he is understanding of your pain and is willing to try. It's a long hard road to try to get an addict to see how their behavior is affecting things.

I can understand how you feel if the agreement was for one month seperation and he is draggin his feet to end the seperation. I hope he is truly doing some soul searching, and is truly taking the time to look deep.

It's sad, but addicts will not see what is going on until the consequence for continuing is more than they can bare.......really hard to be the one to make the consequence come to be........that is the position this p and s addiction puts us SO's in.....

I'm looking forward to you starting a journal, Mary. Glad you are here....

[TooSensitive]

Mary, I am sorry to read of your predicament. I totally agree with everything that Dawn and Charly have written, and those are my sentiments as well. Please honor your own needs and continue to stand up for yourself. B/c if you don’t, as Charly says, your poor heart WILL get taken advantage of.

Getting through this takes a strength like no other. This one thing has been harder on me than all of the other struggles in my life put together. Stay strong, be firm, and stand your ground.

It is a better indication when they come to us on their own and admit to what they’ve done. Many of us have to find out the hard way, on our own. But, it concerns me that he said he doesn’t want to come home until he’s sure he’s not going to stray again. Does he think that by continuing to do what he does, at some point, he’s just going to get it out of his system? B/c it doesn’t work like that.

If it were me, I’d be telling him, “Don’t bother coming home until after you’ve made a sincere commitment to yourself to stop, and then to me as well. And don’t bother coming home until after you’ve made that first appointment with the therapist.” Your h is just stalling for whatever reason.

Part of the battle is getting them to admit the problem, which he’s already done. Part of the battle is then to get them to commit to that change. If there is not willingness on their part to change, they will approach recovery with resistance, like my h did, and like your h is doing. The addiction is probably causing him to wrestle within himself between knowing he needs to change and denial that he needs to change.

There is a thread here on the 14 Types of Denial. It is on page 2 of the General Discussion forum, under the “stickys”, and it can also be found elsewhere on this site. I’ll go bump it up for you. Perhaps you could print it out and give it to him to read. Perhaps it will help guide him in the right direction and be that little push he needs. Helping is not the same as enabling. You would be enabling if you made the call to make that first therapy appointment, b/c he’s capable of doing that himself, and it’s an important step he needs to take. But so far, I believe all you’ve done is try to help him.

I don’t want to hijack this thread (maybe it already has been a little bit, though Mary’s dilemma directly relates to the original question), so I will start a new thread about our in-house separation, so you can read about that if you like. I would also encourage you to start your own journal, Mary, as so many of us here have already done. B/c that will be your own place to write whatever you want about your thoughts and feelings and experiences and questions, as well as a place for you to get feedback on all that, if you wish. This is a very individual journey, but despite the differences between all of us and our situations, you will find a lot of common ground, too.