Don't you understand?

[Charly22]

I know this is the Partner's side of the board so I will keep this brief. Just wanted to express my thanks for this thread. Alot of valuable input. "Don't you understand what it does to my desire for you, when you allow yourself to lust after something/someone other than me?" Can this ever be fixed? Will things ever be the same? What if your partner never acted out again? Would your view of him/her rebuild to the point where there isn't any pain? Just curious. Again, thanks for the thread.

Rich

I do believe it can be fixed. If one turns away from the poison, the love can and will become pure once again. I'd like to think that I am able to see how easy society allows this to enter into men's hearts. I am able to understand how and why it uknowingly became this way, I am able to understand and forgive and rebuild.

But make no mistake, that can only happen when the two live as one, as intended. If the lies and the hiding, and the lusting continue, there is no basis for rebuilding.

When we're young and stupid and naive, our feeble little minds and hearts can take a hit or two, but there comes a time when you realize what is more important.

As for me, I am striving for purity.

[Hibiscus]

I know this is the Partner's side of the board so I will keep this brief. Just wanted to express my thanks for this thread. Alot of valuable input. "Don't you understand what it does to my desire for you, when you allow yourself to lust after something/someone other than me?" Can this ever be fixed? Will things ever be the same? What if your partner never acted out again? Would your view of him/her rebuild to the point where there isn't any pain? Just curious. Again, thanks for the thread.

Rich

With commitment to recovery, actions that we can see and feel, I believe so. Forgiving and moving on are different from forgetting. Never underestimate the power of someone who loves you to forgive. But that forgiveness comes from truly believing you "get it" - the pain it caused and all of the ramifications it had on your relationship, your total commitment to eliminating it, and your 100% effort to rebuilding your relationship.

My husband has been showing me his commitment and I see the changes occuring in him. As this stronger, healthier, more loving and committed man emerges, I find myself falling in love with him all over again. That's after 25 years together! Yes, I'm still somewhat on guard - you can't erase the past or the pain it caused. But the more time that passes, the less I think about the past and the more I look toward our future together with a big smile on my face.

Not only can your relationship recover, it can become stronger than it was in the past. You can have complete honesty on your side now, because you will never have to hide a part of yourself from the people closest to you.

[TooSensitive]

Charly wrote,

"Don't you understand what it does to my desire for you, when you allow yourself to lust after something/someone other than me?

Don't you understand that when you attention is focused on looking at all these other women that it diminishes my ability and desire? "

I have said almost these exact words to my h. So thank you for putting them here, though I already knew I wasn't the only one who felt this way. I love the way you wrote it all out, Charly. Very profound. Your words seem to have had a positive impact upon the recovering addicts here, and for that, I am grateful.

Your timing is interesting. I am in the process of writing something similar to give to my h, though it's called "I Fear". I felt compelled to write my thoughts with this theme, to let him know I too am human and have my own fears, struggles, and weaknesses. Despite how much of myself I've allowed him to see, on some level, he still thinks of me as having no fears or struggles. He was surprised when last night, he mentioned one of his fears to me, and I reciprocated that I too had that same fear.

It's funny how much we think we've done our best to get through to them, yet they still "don't understand". Sometimes it seems the written word is what holds the most punch and creates the greatest impact. Seeing it on paper somehow drives the point home. Will you show your h what you wrote?

[edjames71]

I do believe it can be fixed. If one turns away from the poison, the love can and will become pure once again. I'd like to think that I am able to see how easy society allows this to enter into men's hearts. I am able to understand how and why it uknowingly became this way, I am able to understand and forgive and rebuild.

But make no mistake, that can only happen when the two live as one, as intended. If the lies and the hiding, and the lusting continue, there is no basis for rebuilding.

When we're young and stupid and naive, our feeble little minds and hearts can take a hit or two, but there comes a time when you realize what is more important.

As for me, I am striving for purity.

Thank you so much for this. I really feel the same way. Once the poison is gone....the addict can feel and express their true feelings. I know that is how I am now. It's a wonderful experience to be able to feel.