Abuse and porn addiction?

[cbh]

I started to post this in the "Questions for PAs from SOs" section, but I'm not sure that it really belongs there. Although, oddly, I'd like to have some insight from an PA. Maybe I'll move it or re-post it later.

My husband is severely addicted to pornography, as well as the masterbation that always goes with it. Thus far, and to my knowledge, his addiction is purely image-based. The internet has been his primary source, although when in dire need he has used friend's computers to download images to discs. Financially speaking, he spends very little on his addiction. As the years have passed, I have watched his addiction escalate and the images that were once common years ago are mild in comparison to the disturbing images that he now prefers. He is relentless when it comes to bypassing any blocks that I have initiated to prevent access. He refuses to admit that he truly has a problem, with the exception of "admittng" he has a problem in order to smooth things over and by him some time to re-think how he is going to better hide his tracks. I have done everything from screaming and yelling, begging and pleading, crying, bargaining, and simply trying to ignore the problem to no avail. He is a textbook case in regards to lying, mind games, and blame-shifting. He will not discuss the matter with me in any way, shape, or form, and has made it very, very clear that he will not participate in marriage counseling -- not necessarily with emphasis on the porn -- which I have suggested many times. Looking back, I would say that he has always been somewhat abusive verbally, mentally, and emotionally, but he's taken this behavior to the extreme in the last six months to a year. He is unbelievably controlling in regards to the finances, and tries to excercise the same amount of control over other things as well, such as who I can talk to on the phone and for how long. He calls me names on a daily basis, berrates me for my inability to be a good wife, to take care of the house, to manage the finances, and to be a good mom. I feel that I am treated as an object to be used and abused, rather than a partner to share his life with. His mother is treated in much the same manner as I am, only to some degree she is treated worse. She is never give the luxory of a "good" day. The only people exempt from his verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive behavior are his grandparents, and most likely the people that he works with.
His abusive behavior escalated to the physcial realm quite some time ago. The first incident seemed rather severe, although in hindsight it was rather minor in comparison. Again, much like the other forms of abuse, he has also taken this behavior to the extreme in the last six months or so. He's also learned that the mere threat of physical violence is often just as effective as the actual act, due to the fact that a.) I'm afraid of him and b.) know that he will actually follow through on his threats if need be. He rarely has anything nice to say, but sometimes disguises his comments in the form of jokes... which are just as hurtful because, in reality, he means what he says. If I act hurt or angered by his comments, he berrates me for not being able to "take a joke."
And, last but not least, the physical aspect of his abuse recently took a turn in the direction of sexual violence. While not surprised by this new turn of events, I am finding that I am having extreme difficulty dealing with the event(s). For lack of a better description, I am an absolute mess. He doesn't think it is a big deal because, and I quote, "We're married. You owe it to me." It has become a very, very ugly situation.

How much of this is "normal" for an addict? Can the abusive behavior be a product of the addiction? Or, is it the other way around... is he simply a man with an abusive personality who fell prey to the addiction of pornography just the same as the many non-abusive men do?

Any and all feedback and thoughts would be appreciated.

***And, for any of you who are concerned, I am not currently living with my spouse. My well-being is safe, from a physical aspect at least.***

[JenMac]

wow cbh! I am so glad to read your last line! So very glad that you are not in that situation and are hopefully safe from harm!
What you have experienced through all of this has not been my experience with my H cbh. It never got to any abusive or threatening behaviour whatsoever. The only thing that I could tell you and that was only on looking back was that a disconnect was forming. I could see an irritibility growing in my H as well. But none of this extreme behaviour that you speak of.
It seems that your H had 2 strikes against him in terms of this. It is what he witnessed from his parents and he was viewing abusive and degrading things in P. Seems he learned to live out what he was seeing.
Very sad situation!
I am glad you are safe! And I am glad you are here!
Jenn

[cbh]

Thanks for your reply Jen. It's honest, and I appreicate that because I'm not looking for any sugarcoating. I just can't decipher what's addiction related and what's not at this point.

Question/comment about your reply: You made a statement about him acting out what he saw, both in porn and from his parents. Porn, yes. His parents, no. But, I re-read my post and saw where what I wrote might have been misleading. He (as in my husband) is abusive towards his mother. My husband's father? To be fair, he's not without his flaws as is the rest of the human race. But, he is not abusive. In fact, my father-in-law is a typcially a quiet man who resorts to silence and pouting rather than engaging in an actual argument. While father and son do share many common traits and a few personality traits, they are drastically different when it comes to their treatment of women. Just wanted to clarify.

Also, just as a side note, my husband's abusive towards his mother has also escalated over the years. I've always thought he was "disrespectful" to his mother, but I blamed that behavior on his age and "immaturity" when we first started dating. I also gave him the benefit of the doubt, as I wasn't there for his childhood and knew little about his family or how he was raised. She is now treated with the same disrespect as me, often called names, berrated for being a bad wife, bad mother, etc., etc.. It's very ugly and very sad. I have assumed -- maybe wrongly -- that's it a general view of woman that puts me and his mother in the same boat. I can't help but think that porn has caused/contributed to that. But, maybe I just want that to be the answer. Otherwise, your post is spot-on. Otherwise, he has two strikes against him. And, honestly, I've reached the point that "hanging in there" during recovery, if he would choose that path, seems an impossible task and one that I might not be up for. But, "hanging in there" through both recovery from porn addiction and recovery from being an absuer separate and apart from the addiction? Beyond impossible.

[TooSensitive]

Cbh, what came first, the chicken or the egg? I think your question is sort of similar. Though my h’s abuse of me never escalated to being physical, he used to be emotionally and mentally abusive towards me. He was also verbally abusive to me, but it was always disguised – covert – so it wasn’t done in the obvious name-calling, put-down ways you describe. But I eventually figured out what he was doing. His abuse of me has pretty much stopped, but it was a long time coming. And I thought it would have stopped sooner than it did, b/c he was in “recovery”. It was his resistance to recovery that made him continue to abuse me, b/c “I” was the enemy, since I was the one who had pushed him into that recovery.

I do believe that for some, the pressure from us to stop p’ing can cause abusive tendencies already present to escalate. It is their way of throwing a tantrum. When all is going well, we don’t see that abusive side to them. It is when they are having difficulty getting their way that it seems to come out more. No matter what level it is to, there is no excuse for it, and it should never be acceptable. Abuse in any form is not acceptable. Having a bad day and exhibiting some irritation or anger is one thing, but when it is ongoing, such as what you describe, it becomes abuse.

There is a great article out there about “The Stockholm Syndrome”. You might find validation for yourself in reading it. It details abusive behavior of all types and explains why some people remain in those abusive situations.

I agree with Jenn – I was relieved to read that last line that you are no longer living with him. I am glad to know you are safe in that respect. I pray that you find healing for yourself as you go along. You’ve had a very rough time of it, and you don’t deserve it. Please don’t believe one abusive word he’s said to you, b/c none of it is true. He’s just trying to exert control over you in any way he can. I am glad to read that YOU took control of the situation by getting out.

May you find inner peace and healing for yourself, though that does take time. Just do your best to be patient and gentle to yourself. If you decide to seek therapy, hope you find a therapist that feels right to you.