SO's: What have YOU done to "act out"?

[stillandagain]

Hello, fellow SO's!

I am hoping that we can do a bit of dialogue about the dysfunctional ways WE have acted out, in reaction to our PA H's or BF or partner's PA.

In my first PA marriage, I had an affair. Never thought it was right, but did know it was not uncommon. I needed to feel wanted for me, needed to feel "enough"

It ended up being the reason we divorced, in his mind, at least. P had been between us for 26 years of marriage, and we were separated when he discovered my affair - but HE threw ME out! Still feels unbelievable!

anyone else willing to share? ways you survived the agony of all this? behavior you have rationalized for the sake of feeling better about you?

wondering...

[cvanden]

Acting Out:

- Checking his e-mail
- Logging into his facebook acct to read private messages and dialogue from people who weren't mutual friends
- At one point several years ago I had a stealth program installed on his pc that took screen shots. I was able to print chats, e-mails (even after deletion) and to see exactly where he went, passwords, secret e-mail accts etc.
- Read journals
- checked cell phone records
- waiting outside of his place of employment when he didn't expect me to be there.

- checked his phone for text messages
- misused money and food to dull my own pain
- had an affair
- attempted emotional manipulation to get answers but still never felt like I was hearing the truth.
- was controlling of anything in my environment that I could control because I didn't trust him to tell me the truth over the smallest of things.
- minimized my own pain and told half truths to protect the image of a good marriage.
- went through wallet, pants pockets, glove box etc.

Probably missing some but those are the unhealthy things that immediately come to mind.

Colleen

[cvanden]

Oh! Called a couple of the numbers that showed up on the home phone records and yelled at one of the women he was having phone s*x with....

[Cupcakemomma]

-Checking, checking and re-checking.
-Keyloggers
-Messaging people he's talked to
-Throwing hissy fits in front of his friends, my friends, our neighbors.....
-Changing all the info on his dating profiles and sending "winks" to the least attractive people I could find.
-Manipulated, cried, screamed and resorted to threats.
-Lied when I was upset to avoid confrontation, only to explode later.
-Hid in bed for hours, days to avoid reality.
-Yelled at my kids when I was angry about PA.
-Smashed my computer monitor during a fight
-Thrown all Mr. C's clothes out in the rain and changed my facebook status to single.
-Ripped myself apart, took all the blame and lazed around playing the poor me card :(
It's a long list and I probably missed some things but it's a start.

[cvanden]

Ahh Cupcake hit some of the ones I missed. Hid in bed, ripped myself apart and took the blame..... lied when upset only to explode later, took the anger out on the kids and became irritable with friends/family I also did. I also let it affect my work performance and more recently my school performance.

Ok, I realize this isn't about rewarding these bad behaviors but I gotta say that I LOL'd at the changing of the profile and winking the least attractive people....

[Cupcakemomma]

Also missed making a slideshow out of "evidence" screenshots with my commentary added. Telling his friends about his crappy behaviour and generally making life difficult for him. I know, mean as hell but sometimes a girl has to get creative to get her point across.

[stillandagain]

Wow!. I have done just about every one of those things in the time BH and I have been together. ones related to the computer and phone, mostly internet-related stuff. It feels good to say: not any more! Important part of MY recovery!

And, my goodness, it is so good to know I am not only not alone in my acting out behaviors but that I no longer live in "silent desperation" (thanks again, Pink Floyd)

[Crisodian]

Also missed making a slideshow out of "evidence" screenshots with my commentary added.

CCM, I still think the slide show is a brilliant idea. Makes me laugh every time I read about it, and jealous I didn't think of it!

Let's see ... I didn't actually "act out" all that much.

- Copied all the "files" I found, chat logs, etc. for evidence
- Installed password protected filters
- Parental control locked the TV
- Made him send "good-bye" emails to all his online "friends" and BCC me on each one.
- Made him make a list of all accounts. Took the list and deleted and changed every profile.
- Monitored the email accounts he was using for anything new.
- Monitored for new use of his old persona
- Keylogging
- Started a raw offline journal, which I let him read
- Ignored him for days
- Bought books on PA and handed them to him
- Cried, screamed, argued

And I would be lying if I didn't say the thought of an affair crossed my mind. I had plenty of opportunity. Looked up a few of my old contacts. But when it came down to it, I just couldn't. For me, I chose to take the high road because if it did come to divorce, I could show his infidelity, and he would have nothing to hold over me, especially when it came to our children. Not judging anyone's choices. Just the reasons for my own. :)

Find peace,
~C~

[stillandagain]

Just thought of a REALLY good one!

End of first marriage:

Paid a FORTUNE, before cleansing the laptop he had defiled with pix and videos (the one I used in my sanctuary, by the way, to display lyrics at a Contemporary Worship Service - yep, you read it right!), to have my laptop scoured to a "Defense Department Level of Security." I still have the court-ready document in my file. It empowered me!

I think it STILL empowers me, and he is long gone! :)

[RMH]

Acting Out:

- Checking his e-mail
- Logging into his facebook acct to read private messages and dialogue from people who weren't mutual friends
- At one point several years ago I had a stealth program installed on his pc that took screen shots. I was able to print chats, e-mails (even after deletion) and to see exactly where he went, passwords, secret e-mail accts etc.
- Read journals
- checked cell phone records
- waiting outside of his place of employment when he didn't expect me to be there.

- checked his phone for text messages
- misused money and food to dull my own pain
- had an affair
- attempted emotional manipulation to get answers but still never felt like I was hearing the truth.
- was controlling of anything in my environment that I could control because I didn't trust him to tell me the truth over the smallest of things.
- minimized my own pain and told half truths to protect the image of a good marriage.
- went through wallet, pants pockets, glove box etc.

Probably missing some but those are the unhealthy things that immediately come to mind.

Colleen

Let's see... Everything on here except the Spyware, misuse of money and the Affair, I have also done. I've never found any journals of his, he's never been a writer, but to that extent I have searched, and SEARCHED, through every notebook I've ever found in his bag, drawers, backpack... you name it I have looked through it...

Minimizing my own pain to protec the image hits particulalry hard with me. I have minimized my own pain for YEARS, told so many half truths to people that pretty everyone thought we were very happily married... Even when I went to the therapist last week, I had a hard time telling her exactly WHAT was wrong, not becuase I was embarrassed, but because I had become so used to lying to everyone about being "Good" that I even tried unconciously lying to her!