Drip...Drip...Drip

[RMH]

So apparently I am learning via the Drip method as well. I made a discovery last night that H had joined some online chat groups, and the interests he put down were short of amazing.. Interested in Men, Transexuals, threesomes, online flirting, Open to relationships. ?!?!?! Open to relationships?!?! WTF??? I was so Irate when I saw this that I was literally shaking uncontrollably. The kicker was that this particular profile I found (who knows how many more are out there that he's created) was created 5 days after I had left the country for 6 months. He wasted NO time gettin his game on after I was gone!

WHY???? What Did I do to deserve any of this?? Why can't I just have a man that loves me, adores me, and most of all, RESPECTS me?? Is that to much to ask?? Is it to much to ask a man to be honest and open?? It must be, or I just don't deserve a man like that. Obviously I'm not worthy of any kind of decency in this world....


You know what really makes me mad?? We have 2 young daughters at home. If one of them came crying to us when they are older that a man was treating them like this, his first reaction would be to beat the Sh** out of them.... So What makes it OK for him to treat ME like this???

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

RMH-

You don't deserve it. You don't. I am sorry you are going through this. My husband was a chatter as well, which is worse to deal with than just PA. The drip method of discovery sucks.

[stillandagain]

RMH

hard to know what to say

I just want to scream, "WHAT THE F?" with you

I have experienced the uncontrollable shaking so many times
its a relief to hear you describe it
I don't think I've ever said it to anyone
it ONLY has happened around THIS issue

Drip method?

[RMH]

S&A,
Thank you for wanting to scream with me.. Lol It's almost like getting a hug, which I really need right now. Yea I had to go take a steaming hot shower to get the shaking to stop, it was so bad. It felt like when you get really cold and just can't stop shaking. This is the first time I've ever experienced this with a discovery of P. Probably becuase prior to now, I've only ever discovered sites with photos on them. I've never previously discovered any chat sites or any profiles that had been created for him to meet up with people...

The Drip method, from what I've read, is where you find things out little by little, almost like an intravenous drip, hence the name. Instead of just finding out everything all at once, your SO deems it necessary to make the discovery process as painful as possible for you...


How do you guys hang on?? How do you stay in the relationship/marriage after discovering these things? Especially if you've found out that your SO has either cheated on you or met up with someone from a chat site (still cheating) how do you deal with that and stay with your SO?? I just can't see allowing him to bulldoze over me like that. Love is one thing - but I feel like I'm being emotionally abused here..

Our Anniversary is in a couple of weeks. I looked at cards today. Not one card evoked any type of emotion out of me, let alone love... I felt empty, dead, and numb inside when I read all those cards. Does that mean it's the end for us?? Is there anyway of finding love again with him??? Or do I just cut my losses and move on and hope that someone else in this world thinks I'm worth it??

[JenMac]

So apparently I am learning via the Drip method as well. I made a discovery last night that H had joined some online chat groups, and the interests he put down were short of amazing.. Interested in Men, Transexuals, threesomes, online flirting, Open to relationships. ?!?!?! Open to relationships?!?! WTF??? I was so Irate when I saw this that I was literally shaking uncontrollably. The kicker was that this particular profile I found (who knows how many more are out there that he's created) was created 5 days after I had left the country for 6 months. He wasted NO time gettin his game on after I was gone!

WHY???? What Did I do to deserve any of this?? Why can't I just have a man that loves me, adores me, and most of all, RESPECTS me?? Is that to much to ask?? Is it to much to ask a man to be honest and open?? It must be, or I just don't deserve a man like that. Obviously I'm not worthy of any kind of decency in this world....


You know what really makes me mad?? We have 2 young daughters at home. If one of them came crying to us when they are older that a man was treating them like this, his first reaction would be to beat the Sh** out of them.... So What makes it OK for him to treat ME like this???

Oh RMH! I am so sorry for what you are going through. And I am with WONLM, you do not deserve any of this!!
I have no words of wisdom in relation to this but wanted you to know that I am sending prayers of strength for you.
As for the anniversary card, I know for me last year on our anniversary I just couldn't go there. No card. Much too difficult to face at that time. I just wanted it all to go away.
Hugs RMH!
Be well. Look after you!
Jenn

[cvanden]

I've had the shakes that you are describing. I've also looked at the cards and felt that void of emotion. One year (can't remember if it was an anniversary or a birthday) I even put the $25 copay in a card for my husband in hopes he would go to counseling with it.....

I've screamed in the shower and I've screamed in the car with the radio blaring. I've been a mess of emotions, anxiety, betrayal, depression, sadness, anger AND I've been a zombie just doing the bare minimum to get through the days.

Only you can know your breaking point. I wish I had the answer.....

- C

[healme]

What is the "drip method"????

[Hibiscus]

It's a slow, painful, long drawn out way of learning the extent of a partner's addiction. Rather than be upfront and tell you everything when you originally ask, some of them reveal as little as possible and hope you never discover the rest. The problem is that you almost always find out more, which leads to more questions and more painful information. Sometimes it's because you find tangible evidence on your own. Sometimes it's because they slip and say something you haven't heard about or get their previous lies mixed up. The result is that, instesd of being able to deal with the painful discovery process all at once, and then move on to healing, you live with fear and anxiety. You're always on guard for new painful info. You're constantly questioning whether they are finally being honest. Everytime you discover another tidbit of info, it sets you back to day one. It's like constantly ripping off a scab that has not completely healed. It's miserable, and in my own opinion, is not true recovery for a PA. For a PA to claim active recovery, they need to be 100% transparent - no exceptions. Only then can healing truly begin, for the PA, as well as their SO and their relationship together.

[healme]

Awe....that's my story. Never thought of it that way.

Thanks

It makes me so mad, I think it should be drop....drop....drop dead (i don't really mean that but....)

[Love in a Lifeboat]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I didn't know how to describe it over the years, but yes it feels like that. I called them signs. I believe in a higher power and I don't know if you do but for me it was like the facade had dropped away and I was being shown something awful about a person I loved.

A gut punch and a stab. I've never shaken but I feel blood rush though my head and I actually see the color red.

It's definitely another side to someone that you never knew and we feely deeply betrayed. Like who is this person? How did this happen? When did this happen? Don't they realize that this degrades women and soon you won't be able to distinguish between them and us? The lines become blurred too easy.

My therapist said that they are out of control and unfortunately you have to wait until they spiral and reach rock bottom and they will. All you can do is help yourself. Easier said that done when you've spent a lifetime loving someone and shared a home with them. I've even had friends whose husbands left them for people they'd never even met except online. Have they lost their minds?