Drip...Drip...Drip

[betrayed family]

What I am about to say will come as NO SURPRIZE ...if you follow my H's journal... Mell...
THE DISCLOSURE HAS BEEN CANCELLED!!!
This has hurt me... made me even more anxious...
Why?
Because according to Mell's counselor ... "we are not ready" First of all... I haven't even talked to his counselor in months.... so in my opinion... he doesn't know what I am ready for!!
Why?
Why didn't Mell tell me it has been changed.... he knew for 2 weeks.. and he never said a word... he let me continue to struggle with my anxieties....he let me believe that we were going to take a step TOGETHER... a difficult one... but one together.. My counselor was the one that revealed to me that there was no reason to work so hard currently on my guidelines and questions since there was no set date .... she thought Mell had told me...
Why?
Why does the addict have so MUCH controll.....
Is this not my life too?? Is this not my FUTURE?? Is this not MY MARRIAGE???
I am scared that Mell may never be ready.... that he is stuck ....
So ... for now... no drip...drip... NO disclosure... just uncertainity!!!
Betrayedfamily

[Disillusioned]

Why?
Why didn't Mell tell me it has been changed.... he knew for 2 weeks.. and he never said a word...
Why?
Why does the addict have so MUCH controll.....
Is this not my life too?? Is this not my FUTURE?? Is this not MY MARRIAGE???
I am scared that Mell may never be ready.... that he is stuck ....
So ... for now... no drip...drip... NO disclosure... just uncertainity!!!
Betrayedfamily

Hi BF,
I have just been reading your journal and need to tell you I am so sorry you find yourself back in the same place you were five years ago! You have been operating like things were okay, and you could trust again, and then the rug gets pulled out again.
I want to say,"Oh, my God!" Why? Why would he let this happen again if he knew how much it hurt before.
Shaking? I know all about the shaking, to the point you think you will wretch and throw up. I am so sorry you are going through this yet again.
In a post by Heal me, there is a quotation from Healme that says:
“It is common that once someone has spent time away form P, reestablishing the emotional and sexual attachment to it can actually strengthen the P addiction and result in the problematic behavior being more-intense, time-consuming and more damaging than ever before”. You cannot help somebody if they don’t want to or see that they need help. I also believe that the healing will not begin until full discloser is made (I don’t need to see the P and I don’t need the awful details, these places are too dark for me) but until then I believe there are lies lurking in the background which In turn I believe make it difficult to heal. At some point I would like to be part of his healing as this journey is both ours the day I married him.

Healme as well

I guess that is just common sense, but I cannot imagine going through this again. I barely made it this time, and there hasn’t been an actual, ongoing recovery effort that included much involvement on TTF or anywhere else. Not enough reading, not enough
self-recrimination. Just basically wanting it not discussed anymore. Now serious health issues, and I am quiet about this, and we were on a trip. Things seemed so good. They had to be for you too.
I am sorry Betrayed Family or RMH. I can’t believe he would go through this, and let you forgive and trust him just to start all over again. I am almost shaking with anxiety for myself thinking of all of this. I so wanted the door closed on this waste of time and pain. Why the h-ll do they do this? You are asking and I am asking too. Is the phony high they get enough to cause us this much pain and worth making them look like such despicable a—h----?
The only reason I can think that he knew that this disclosure business was cancelled and failed to tell you about it, is he is not ready to face the music of what he has done to cause this again. What else could be his motivation? I’m sorry if that is too direct and causes you even more pain, BF. I think he just wanted to be selective in what he tells you, so he doesn’t have to regret telling you. I hope I am wrong, but I can’t see it any other way. Please understand, I am reeling in fear of this going backwards on myself.
But, I can’t see what other motive there can be.
Is he thinking you are not strong enough? He didn’t think that far ahead when he got back into this, and he knew how bad it could get, how it could get out of hand and take over. So, how is this in your best interest now, rather than in his, according to him, when he is ready?
You made a profound statement about why are they in charge? Why is the timing of disclosure and the beginning of recovery always up to them? It’s because it is their addiction. They got into it by themselves and woke up to find they had drug their SOs unknowingly through the filth and muck right with them. Like children who have made a colossal mistake, they are hoping not to reap the full havoc of what they have sown.
That is why they are in charge. It is their foolish addiction.
I bet there were a million things he could have been doing to help the family when he was doing this. I have asked my h, who did this stuff when he was away on business trips…why? Why didn’t you call me when you felt the urge? Why didn’t you look up a romantic poem or some kind thoughts about me while you were away. I once asked him if he thought of me on one of his 2 week trips, and he told me,…”maybe once or twice.”
I slept cuddling his pillow or an article of his clothing. He didn’t know that. He would have winced uncomfortably if I had told him. I wouldn’t even change the bed until the day before he came home, so his touch, something of his presence was still with me.
I guess I am guilty of highjacking, or perhaps it is that I am just shaken by your predicament, BF. You talked about not being able to send a card for the anniversary or the birthday. How I know. I looked at them, Valentine’s cards, congrats on your marriage cards, and thought…lies, all lies…all bs. I can’t send anything like this.
I don’t want to send anything at all. I don’t want to feel anything at all.
I know you have been here before, so you know that somehow you must detach yourself from what He is or is not doing in his recovery, even though you are almost crazy with anxiety and worry. You have to somehow clip the thoughts of what he is doing and where he is out of your mind. That’s so sad. It’s also very hard to do without numbing yourself to all the beauty that is still out there to be experienced. That’s what I did, and it didn’t work and it is wrong. You are a living, breathing, woman who deserves to be happy, deserves the respect of being a loving, forgiving spouse who walked through hell once already waiting for her man to “man-up” and get out of the web he willingly put himself into. I bet you have carried the rearing of the kids for the most part to, while h was busy doing whatever he does, with enough free time (rope to hang himself). I want to be politically correct, or delicate, or kind, and loving, but I am mad as H--- that someone who has been loved as much as your h, put you back in this spot.
I hope you have developed strong friendships with other women. I am glad you are going to a women’s support group. My good and gracious God, how we need to talk to other women about this. I hope your guardian angel has her hands on your shoulders when you shake, and puts her loving arm around you at night as you rest your head upon your pillow. Know that you are a most generous, loyal and loving spouse, and that you did not deserve or invite this. You are only left to cope with the mess afterward. Know that you have two daughters to raise, and when they are old enough, you will have to tell them this is out there. Many of their male peers are addicted by the time they are in the upper grades in high school. If they think that the women of p respond the same as real women, our young women are in trouble. I understand that many boys now, feel quite
comfortable telling their female classmates exactly what needs to happen to make their bodies more appealing and acceptable, according to p. P is a monster and a deceiver and a liar and a destroyer. It weakens our men till they are unrecognizable to us, and only demands more. It is about money and control.
BF, hang tight to those two girls. I don’t know if your fellow will straighten up and fly right this time, and whether or not you even want him back if he does. I pray he will come home, totally healed and committed this time. Even if you don’t accept him back, I pray he sets a good example for his daughters.
I want to tell you that you are someone’s daughter too, and they did not give you to your h to be treated in this way. I wish I could give you a hug or bring a flower to you, or some pie and tea or coffee and I could just listen and let you vent. Know you are cared for here at TTF, and even if some of us are too verbal…like me, we want the very best for you in anything that you choose. WE are all sorry you are here again.
disillusioned