Is it me?

[Tyggy]

I'm hoping for some feedback from others here as this is not something I can really talk to anyone about.

I'm struggling with my husbands general attitude to sex and I think its probably as a result of his use of p, but as far as I know he hasn't looked at anything in a couple of years now and he thinks his attitude is fine.

He basically seems to see sex that he has a right to on a regular basis which is fine. The problem is that my feelings don't seem to count at all.

For instance he wants sex every other day no matter what. So when we've had family round who didn't leave till the early hours of the morning he'll get really mad with me when I then just want to sleep.

He then demands to know if sex will be possible before I go to work in the morning (no because I'll be far too tired) or if I will come home at lunch time for it (not possible in my schedule)

The problem is he sees me as selfish for this and gets really nasty about it which is obviously very off putting but he just doesn't seem to see that my feelings are supposed to matter at all or that it hurts me to feel like he's demanding this as a service from me instead of it being a loving thing between the two of us.

Is it me? Am I wrong? Or is it normal to feel like that? Is this what is meant when people say that p has an effect on relationships and attitudes to women and sex?

I know marriages are all about give and take but I feel that I should be able to say no sometimes and know that it will be ok.

[Crisodian]

Tyggy,
First, a very warm welcome to TTF. I am the wife (SO) of a PA who has been clean now since 2009.

Reading a post like this makes me angry. Very angry.

No. It's not you.

And to be clear, I am not angry at you. I am angry for you.

Above all, your s*x drive is your s*x drive. You have every right to say no. You have every right not to have s*x if you choose not to have s*x, without fear of reprocussion. Your H putting demands on you to have s*x when you are not alone, or to be mad at you because you were unable to? That is just mind-boggling to me.


You are 100% correct. A marriage is a partnership. A give and take. But, to have one of the partners schedule when you will have s*x and how often, and then be agressive and angry about that not happening? That's not a give and take.

Not even close.

P use has a very real impact on people, their attitudes towards s*x, their attitudes towards women and how we should be treated. Just my opinion, from what you shared, sounds like your H has been greatly impacted by his P use, and sees you as an object to control, one of the VERY real dangers of P.

I'm glad you found us here at TTF. You will find a large group of very supportive partners here who will help guide you on a path towards healing.

Find peace,
~C~

[Charly22]

I would have to say NO, it is NOT you. I believe you are viewing and trying to experience s*x as it should be, spontaneous, no pressure or schedules, etc. In my opinion, your husband's reactions are a sign of two things, possibly the same thing, but those two things that come to my mind are sexual addiction, or just plain ol sexual immaturity. Kinda the same thing maybe? Maybe not. But either way, it is damaging for him to get angry if you are not "in the mood". It is not healthy. It's not healthy for your outlook and connection with him, not good for the intimacy, not healthy for him to rely and depend on it, and see it as something that he has to have or will get angry. This is not what sex is, to me anyway. Sure alot of others would agree.

And just as a footnote, my husband used to react the same way, when we were a lot younger, and seems to have turned around, after discussing how it made me feel and asking for a little more respect and understanding.

[cvanden]

Ugh. The threat of anger if you don't perform in the bedroom is a type of control that is crossing a line into the potential to be abusive. I hesitate to say its abuse because I don't want to make your husband out to be a bad person.

It isn't you. It is, as Charly mentioned above, a sign of s*xual immaturity, addiction or a tendancy to need control in an unhealthy way.

Here is the point that keeps popping into my mind in response to your post: I don't want anyone to share themselves with me out of fear. That isn't what true intimacy is about.

C

[Tyggy]

Thank you all for your replies. Its very reassuring to know that I'm not just overreacting or bring too idealistic in my expectations.

You're right my husband isn't a bad person. I just think he has had his view warped by P far more than he realises. He can be controlling but I don't think its actually intentional. It's just he's only thinking about himself.

The trouble is I have no idea how to talk to him about it. I've tried to several times but if he actually listens he just ends up feeling like I'm telling him he's no good which isn't what I want.

I don't want him to feel guilty but I do want him to take responsibility. I don't want to harp on about P because as far as I know that's all in the past but I have to deal with the effects of it so I wish he would too.

You read so many things that say how much P affects relationships and men's attitudes to sex and women in general. What I never seem to read is how to change it, how to get rid of all the negativity and make things better.

[RichBlack]

Hey Tyggy. I hope this is ok. I'm a RA, but I felt a need to tell you that even if he has overcome his addiction to porn he hasn't overcome his addiction, because, unfortunately you have become his "porn". Which is why he tries to schedule sex and control it. It could also be an irrational fear of rejection as well. It doesn't make any sense I know. You married him, so how could he feel rejected? It doesn't make any sense. But when you say no to sex, even though in your mind you are simply saying "not now or in the immediate future" in his mind you are rejecting him. Which is why he gets defensive. So, he needs to work out those knots in himself to realize that he doesn't need to have sex with you every other day in order to know that you love him and are attracted to him. Alot of RAs go through detox for this exact reason. To get those bugs out of our system before resuming normal relations. So, that might be a good idea for you and your husband. Hope this helps.

Rich

[cbh]

Reading this thread has been immensely comforting to me... and I mean that in no disrespect to you, Tyggy, because I know all too well how deeply you are suffering. However, it's been a long time since I've had a post hit so very close to home. Your's did, and the responses that you received could have just as easily been written for me. The irony, for me at least, is that I can read your post and come up with a hundred things to say, all about how it is not you, how your husband's attitudes towards sex, towards you, and towards the growth and well-being of your relationship are not healthy, and how you have a right to say "no" without fear of anger, resentment, or retalliation. Moreover, I'd venture to say that he's still struggling. Maybe not with porn per se, but still struggling with the sexual aspect of the addiction.

As to what you should do next? Well, as I'm sailing in a boat that's very similar to yours, I have no advice or words of wisdom to offer. (((Hugs.)))

~cbh~

[Tyggy]

I just want to say thank you so much to Richblack and cbh for the replies. Coming on this site is so comforting. Its just nice to know that other people are going through similar situations and that some have been able to recognise where the problems lie and deal with it in a positive way.

Richblack you've hit the nail on the head - I think that is exactly how my husband feels and that's what makes it so difficult. I don't ever want him to feel hurt or rejected and I hate to think that's the effect I have on him. But at the same time I can't keep letting myself get hurto avoid hurting him. I can't always put his feelings ahead of mine especially when deep down I know that I'm not being selfish or unreasonable and that as you say his feelings are irrational and really caused by things inside of him than me.

I need to be able to make my own choices, have my own opinions and just generally be myself and what I really need is for that to be ok with him - then I would feel like he loves me for who I am not just for what I can give him. One of the really frustrating things about this is that he cannot understand how feeling pressured about sex is the biggest turn off ever so continuing in that attitude actually compounds the problem. The trouble is I know if I explain how rubbish his attitude makes me feel that it just makes him feel even more hurt and rejected and we both end up miserable. It seems to be a vicious circle.

I think as you say he has issues that he's not worked out for himself yet and I guess that's something that takes time but it also takes recognition and it seems to me that that first step of admitting to yourself that something really isn't right is the hardest thing of all and I don't think he's at that point yet and I have no idea how to help him get there.

And cbh - thank you. We may not have any advice to offer each other but for me it really helps to know that someone else understands. You didn't have to reply but I'm so glad you did because it makes me feel like I'm not alone. Hugs to you.