If roles were reversed, would he leave you?

[rosie]

If you were the PA/SA and acted out and 'relapsed' in recovery, do you think your husband/partner/other would leave you, or do you think they would do as you do and support them through this addiction?

[rosie]

Bumpity bump bump bump..... you dont have to know for sure, a guess is ok. Its only meant to be a thought experiment.

[stillandagain]

I asked Beanhead.

Without hesitation, he said "no"

[RMH]

I'm with SAA. I didn't ask my SO, but I'm about 95% sure the answer would be NO.

[cvanden]

I don't know. All those years ago I would've said that I wouldn't hang in as long as I did. I kept moving my boundaries..... I think, today, he'd say that he would've stayed and forgiven as well BUT I don't think he would've put in as many years as I have. Who knows? My gut says "no" even though he'll probably argue "yes".

[Crisodian]

No. I don't believe so. I believe AG would stay.

However, I think this is a difficult question to really answer for a couple of reasons.

1. This group is now learning about and living with addiction in our lives. That changes the ball game somewhat. While we all have boundaries, we also have more knowledge than ever about this struggle.

2. The people we are asking, today - here & now, our partner's with PA, rely on us for support. They know what it would be like without that support. Therefore, I cant imagine one who would say "yes" they would move on and not support us, were the rolls reversed.

Am I making sense or am I rambling?

LOL

I guess the simple point I am trying to make is because this whole group has been touched by this addiction, your question is going to get skewed responses. :) I don't know if there is a PA here at TTF, who also has a spouse or partner at TTF, who would say yes to your question.

Peace,
~C~

[BrokenHeartedAgain]

Mine said NO. He would probably join in because he doesn't see anything wrong with it to begin with.

[vintageturtle]

Funny you should ask... this just came up, last night. Well, not specifically if he would leave me if I were in recovery and relapsed, more generally. H said he wouldn't consider leaving me if I were a PA. And that if it were just P and M, he wouldn't feel that I had been unfaithful.

You say if "roles were reversed," so I'm guessing you mean if the PA had never been a PA? I think my H really does believe that he wouldn't leave me, but I think it's difficult to know for sure. Especially if we hadn't gone through all of this together, and if he didn't understand what it was like to have an addiction.

Actually, if I'm honest with myself, I don't believe my H would leave me, even if he had never used P and didn't understand addiction. I do think he would support me, even if I relapsed. I believe he might feel somewhat betrayed, but I think that what he would mainly feel sad for me, knowing that I was choosing something that could only bring me sadness. But I kind of resent the fact that my H is so sure that he wouldn't leave me. It kind of makes me feel like he might take the fact that I stayed for granted. Since it wouldn't occur to him to leave me, it might not occur to him that it might occur to me to leave him. I may feel just a wee bit prideful and enjoy feeling like I have the upper hand in the relationship for staying with him. Which I know is not healthy, but no one's perfect.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I am not sure if we are asking the right question. It is a possiblity that the SOs might have been the PA, but its not realistic IMO. I don't want to speak for all women, but for myself, I like to feel special, valued,liked, and desired. I wouldn't get that from P. I would get that from another guy. My intimacy related addiction wouldn't be P, but more flirting or an emotional affair. It is so very easy to justify this behavior, I know, because I did it. It wasn't sx, and I didn't let the conversation go towards sx, and if it did, I cut off communication until things got back to comfortable. So, it was ok, because I got what I wanted from him because I didn't get it from my husband. So easy to justify, its not sx, just talking, so its ok. Right..... :(

My husband knows this, and he has told me that if it happens again, that's it, we are over. Because, like P threatens a woman, an emotional affair threatens a man. Anyway, my husband wouldn't leave me, I don't think, if I was a PA, because that's not a threat to him. But, if I was emotionally involved with another guy, then he would leave. I have already had my chances. I think that's fair.

[rosie]

I think you are a genuis, WONLM. You have just answered a question I have had for years. I am going to ponder this more.