HI - new here and introduction

[RMH]

I'm new here, just found this site through the recommendation of a friend from another support site.. Lol

This has been the biggest eye opener to me - to realize that I'm not the only one going through PA with a spouse. It has been an issue in our relationship/marriage for 10 years now, and I've struggled so hard to try to decide if this is really an addiction on his part or an over-reaction on mine. I'm so relieved to see that I have not been over-reacting.

I honestly don't know the true extent to which my SO was into PA. I know I'd catch him, he'd be looking at images. When I'd go through his browsing history, it was usually just pictures so that I'm aware of, he never participated in any chat rooms, etc or formed any online relationships or anything... But it did interfere with our intimate life - a LOT. We went round and round where he'd say he was MB becuase we didn't have sex enough, I would tell him the reason we didn't have sex was because he was MB so much (every night in the beginning when I first found out, despite having sex 7 days/week) and on it went, turning from we didn't have sex often enough to he felt lonely, rejected, etc... It's been an evil circle that I'm hoping we can break.

My trust in him obviously has been shot - my self-esteem ran into the gutter. We've ran the gammet of lies, being disrespectful, etc. I used to want to be involved and then would get mad that he wouldn't involve me. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I just can't wrap my head around WHY he does this, and he can't tell me. So of course I think it's me is the reason he does this, even though he tells me it's not. And then with the trust being broken, I start questioning other aspects of his life, if he's getting to many texts from another woman, I start getting overly jealous and questioning what he's doing with said woman and not really believing any answer he gives me.

Our problems run much deeper than just the PA though. I started a journal last night, and came to the discovery that he hurt me so deeply when I had a miscarriage, that I've never been able to get past that, and I've held onto that hurt, that anger for the past 9 years and have tried in every way possible to make him feel the same hurt, the same anger that I felt during that time in our lives. I hope that I can work through that and learn to let go of the pain, the guilt and the anger of the past 9 years, that I can somehow learn to forgive him (by forgiving though, I feel like I'm being submissive and thus giving him permission to run over me like a doormat) and that we can somehow move past this and build a new life together.

-Rai

[stillandagain]

Welcome, Rai

You are among friends! We will probably never meet face-to-face, but here we meet heart-to-heart.
Our stories are different, but we have in common the rollercoaster of painful emotions, the devastation of betrayal.

My PA and I are both here, working hard on this TOGETHER. I divorced my first husband because of his PA! So, I also live with the shame of repeating a pattern of my own! Yuck! So, my current husband and I are doing "this" differently. It is hard being on this side, to stay in the work, but it is my choice.

Anyway, welcome. Keep posting. People will keep responding. We are a community of broken people, working hard to mend; imperfect people, working on new patterns of communication.

You are in a good place here.

~Linda (stillandagain)

[rosie]

Welcome Rai :) I always say - lovely to have you here, but sorry that you HAVE to be here. It is not very nice having to live this life and I wish you peace on this journey of yours :(

I can resonate with so much in your post. We too had the 'evil sex cycle'. He would withdraw, use P, close up, so I felt rejected, and never approached him for sex. I would then complain about our lack of sex life and he would tell me he has been available but that I had not approached him. Or at other times, when I felt he was looking at P, i detached and got angry with him so he would then tell me that he doesn't want sex because I'm angry all the time. HMMMM! At this point, I had no idea he was using porn, strip clubs, etc so I was not privy to the information. I did not realise that P was consuming him and that a real woman like me was not a match for the high he got through P.

The miscarriage hit me. I too had (several) miscarriages, the first one was a late-term miscarriage that was discovered a night after we had a horrible fight about porn. I had found images again and was so upset. I remember his defensiveness and him yelling at me that night and me pleading with him to stop as I was afraid to be too upset because I was pregnant. The next day, bleeding. That was it. It took me 4 years to come to terms with it and whilst it is not his fault that this happened, I felt as if he should have been there for me and he wasn't - instead he was defening his P use and blaming me. I was devastated. Since that time, I had two other miscarriages which I didn't even tell him about and just dealt with it alone. I felt like he was not there for me at all, and I still hold a great deal of resentment towards him for this.
Sorry to put my life story in here but I really get how you feel. It is such a horrific thing to experience and you just want your life partner there supporting you. It is horrible feeling so abandoned during those horrible times, and I really empathise with you on this.

Anyway, I hope to get to know you more and am looking forward to reading your journal.

((Big hug))

[RMH]

Thank you Rosie and Linda for the welcome.

Rosie, I had this looong post written out and it disappeared! But I wanted to really say THANK YOU for sharing that with me. If you don't mind my asking, how did you finally come to terms and were able to let go of all the anger/resetment you felt towards your H for treating you like that during your time of need??? I think that's what I really need the most help with, is just learning how to let go and just love him again.

And I'm confused. We are phsycially separated, not by choice but we are. I"ve always been straight with him that I'd rather he view P and MB while we are separated, then to stray outside the relationship. Can he do that though and still successfully kick the habit?? And he tells me a lot (and as recent as yesterday) that mainly why he would view P and MB is becuase he'd see me getting dressed in the morning, which would turn him on (the very essence of seeing me in any state of nakedness apparently turns him on that much), and instead of waiting for an appropriate time later that evening to come onto me, he would view P and MB... Is that just a lie? If it's not, how am I supposed to help him truly kick this habit?? I have to get dressed and shower every day - do I make sure everything is done behind a closed bathroom door??? That would make me feel like a Nun to be honest, but hey, if that's what it takes.

[rosie]

Thank you Rosie and Linda for the welcome.

Rosie, I had this looong post written out and it disappeared! But I wanted to really say THANK YOU for sharing that with me. If you don't mind my asking, how did you finally come to terms and were able to let go of all the anger/resetment you felt towards your H for treating you like that during your time of need??? I think that's what I really need the most help with, is just learning how to let go and just love him again.

And I'm confused. We are phsycially separated, not by choice but we are. I"ve always been straight with him that I'd rather he view P and MB while we are separated, then to stray outside the relationship. Can he do that though and still successfully kick the habit?? And he tells me a lot (and as recent as yesterday) that mainly why he would view P and MB is becuase he'd see me getting dressed in the morning, which would turn him on (the very essence of seeing me in any state of nakedness apparently turns him on that much), and instead of waiting for an appropriate time later that evening to come onto me, he would view P and MB... Is that just a lie? If it's not, how am I supposed to help him truly kick this habit?? I have to get dressed and shower every day - do I make sure everything is done behind a closed bathroom door??? That would make me feel like a Nun to be honest, but hey, if that's what it takes.

Hi again :) I am still not over the anger and resentment, some days are better than others but i am working on it. Until I could see he was taking steps to listen to me, open up and STOP disrespecting me by going to porn, then I couldn't really let go of any of it. The anger has built up for us over 10 years, so it's going to take a long while for it to dissipate. Although he has sort of tried to quit for years, he has only really been on a 'good path' for a few months, so I am pretty new to all of this myself.

Look, what you guys do in your relationship with P and MB is your decision, nobody else can tell you what to do. But, the inference that "he has to use P and MB or else he will stray" is a concern. Why do you think this? There are men who abstain from sex - for their whole lives. I know of monks nearby who have taken a vow of celibacy. You will also see that there are people on this forum who are single but yet abstain entirely. Men don't need sex and MB as much as they like to think they do, and if you are not happy with him using P, then I believe you need to say that. I always say that we are born with the things we need, and P is not one of them ;). If he is going to cheat, he is going to cheat regardless of whether p and mb is in his life - sorry to say. In fact, I would actually go as far as to say that P can lead to more extreme behaviours so by using P in my opinion the chances of infidelity are heightened. Again, it is your decision entirely, and this is just my opinion!

About sex. If it turned him on, why didn't he approach you for sex instead of going to P? That seems odd to me. There is no need to stop sex in your relationship, unless you feel uncomfortable with it for any reason. Many people go through recovery without abstaining from sex within their relationship - the concern is that when P is removed, sometimes a PA will "use" their partner as a substitute, and the result is that you are the new vessle for the addiction. :( So long as you feel comfy and you feel he is being intimate or you do not feel shame or like he is degrading you, then its your choice what you do sex-wise in your relationship.

I would encourage you to start a journal in the Partners - SO journal area. Lots of lovely people on here who are on this road with you!

:) Take care Rai and hopefully you feel a sense of peace having found TTF...you are not alone (unfortunately! lol).

[JenMac]

HI Rai!
Welcome to TTF!
I am glad you are here! Rai, it is important for you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. We have all experienced that rollercoaster of emotions that you are experiencing! This whole experience can be so damaging to everyone involved!
Rai, while it may not seem possible at this moment, there will be healing for you and there can be for your relationship too. My H, Mac and I are in a much better place than perhaps we have ever been and that is due to our recovery together from this intrusion in our lives. Who would have believed that out of this hardship could come such a wonderful renewal of our love for each other? Certainly not I! But that is exactly what happened over this past year Rai! I hope it will happen that way for you too!
All the best!
Jenn

[RMH]

Hi again :) I am still not over the anger and resentment, some days are better than others but i am working on it. Until I could see he was taking steps to listen to me, open up and STOP disrespecting me by going to porn, then I couldn't really let go of any of it. The anger has built up for us over 10 years, so it's going to take a long while for it to dissipate. Although he has sort of tried to quit for years, he has only really been on a 'good path' for a few months, so I am pretty new to all of this myself.

Look, what you guys do in your relationship with P and MB is your decision, nobody else can tell you what to do. But, the inference that "he has to use P and MB or else he will stray" is a concern. Why do you think this? There are men who abstain from sex - for their whole lives. I know of monks nearby who have taken a vow of celibacy.

It was never a 'I have to use P and MB or else I will stray'. But once I found out about it, I guess that was my mindset, it was never anything that HE brought up. You are right though, men can go w/o just as easily as women can.

You will also see that there are people on this forum who are single but yet abstain entirely. Men don't need sex and MB as much as they like to think they do, and if you are not happy with him using P, then I believe you need to say that. I always say that we are born with the things we need, and P is not one of them ;). If he is going to cheat, he is going to cheat regardless of whether p and mb is in his life - sorry to say. In fact, I would actually go as far as to say that P can lead to more extreme behaviours so by using P in my opinion the chances of infidelity are heightened. Again, it is your decision entirely, and this is just my opinion!

I never thought of it from this perspective, but after reading several articles and posts on acting out, your absolutely right...

About sex. If it turned him on, why didn't he approach you for sex instead of going to P? That seems odd to me.

This is where the evil sex/MB cycle came into play. He would get turned on, but said that he was afraid to approach me becuase he thought I'd be angry, or didn't know if it was the 'right time' for me, basically he didn't want to feel rejected. I never turned him down when he DID come on to me (I've never been one to use any type of excuse, the 'ol "I'm tired honey" or any of that BS, never did)
The only reason I would walk around angry all the time is because he would be sitting there looking at P while I made dinner (before we'd go pick the kids up) then he'd sit on the couch and play PS3, while I fed the kids, bathed the kids and got them in their PJ's. He'd then help with bedtime, then back to the computer or watching TV or whatever while I did housework, clipped coupons, etc. Not to mention we both had Full time jobs outside the home. Then he'd wonder why I was knocked out in the bed by 8:30-9 p.m. So while I was never angry about giving him Sex, I was angry about a myriad of other things, and if I walked out and caught him with the P/MB after I was supposed to be asleep.... yea THAT set me off.


I will start a journal on here, I've started on that I'm writing in, but it would probably be good to get it out on here too, that way others can give me advice, pointers, etc.

Thank you Rosie. We have more parallels than than we know, we too have been dealing with this for roughly about 10 years now.

[stillandagain]

Hi, and welcome. I am sorry you need to be here, but glad you found us.
There are more similarites between us than differences, even though the details of our stories may differ.

I hope you find companionship here.

I hope you are caring for you.