is there anything i can do?

[livelaughrun14]

Im not really sure how to work this so im just gonna say what i've been thinking lately. uhm so i found out my friend was addicted to this a while ago and i didnt think much of it and then that friend became my boyfriend. i didnt have to really worry about it for a while considering he was strong for 4 months and just when it got out of my mind he told me he did it again. and now its like hes hooked on it again. he tells me its hard, i get that...i get it wont be an over the night fix.but i just want to know is there anything i can do to help him? i dont want to leave him...i never do. its just i honestly believe im more attached to him than he is to me and it kills me to see the guy i love so much start pushing our relationship away and replacing it with P.

[JenMac]

Hi Maygann!
Welcome to TTF! I am sorry for what you are going through!
What you can do Maygann, is to tell your boyfriend how this affects you. It was suggested when I came here that I write a letter to my H outlining how this affected me as clearly and thoroughly as I could. I found that to be a great help even though it was difficult to do.
Aside from that Maygann, you can send him links to things you have read that you think he may find helpful. You can also set your boundaries as to what you will accept and what you will not. This is your relationship and your heart too. You have some say in how you are going to proceed from here.
Maygann, I did all of these things along with supporting my H. I also spoke up for what I needed from my H, in order to feel loved, respected and safe. That is important for your healing.
There is no timeline that needs to be followed here M but it is important to note that the sooner you can build your strength and determine what you need for your wellbeing, the better YOU will be.
You need to take care of you M! That is the most important thing through all of this.
This is not your addiction but you can be very affected by it, if you allow that to happen.
Be sure to care for you first!
All the best!
Jenn

[livelaughrun14]

JenMac,
i've told him how i've felt...we've talked about it a few times. i actually showed him this site and im proud of what he's been doing. i mean he's put a lotmore effort into quitting than ever before. he even told his dad which made me SO proud of him! its just we are in high school, and it constantly nags at me the way girls dress because i feel like if he sees them he'll be more attracted to them. i refuse to dress slutty...i dont want him looking at me the way he looked at the computer or another girl. i dont know how to care for myself. i've been praying for this for a while i just dont know what else there is to do to help myself.

also i've noticed i've been having many issues with jealousy and its been killing me. i dont want the feeling he's looking at other girls that way. i see him filling the holes in his heart with the wrong things....and i REFUSE to share his heart with P.

[JenMac]

Well Maygann, you are here and you are praying! Those are 2 very good things to be doing for yourself! I know it is difficult to feel like we can care for ourselves when we are worried about their actions and reactions.
I am glad that you are feeling that your bf is making good efforts but sorry to hear about all of the insecurities this is causing for you. I am glad that you are holding yourself to the standards you are comfortable with! That is important for our self worth too!
You said you don't know how to take care of yourself. I would like to suggest that you try hard not to let this take over your life! There is always the risk that we will let it do that Maygann! I have seen it happen over and over again. Try to ensure that you live your life outside of this issue too, especially since you are so young and very likely have a lot going on in your life. Don't fall into the trap of trying to fix this, you can support but you can't fix. He is the only one who can do that.
Find ways to do things for yourself that foster your wellbeing. Spending time with a friend, walking in nature, working on a hobby. Do things that help you realize there is life to be lived apart from this issue in our lives! Your wellbeing is important M!
And keep coming back here and posting your thoughts and feelings! I find that so very therapeutic! I hope you will too!
All the best!
Jenn

[livelaughrun14]

i feel like i've fallen into the trap of trying to fix this already...its just hurts to realize i can't do anything more for him. i just want him to be happy and out of this situation because i know it hurts him. after reading somearticles on here from other partners of pa i realize im doing everything wrong. i constantly tell him how upset it makes me, which is probably just making him feel even worse for what he's been doing. i want us to support eachother and i want to tell him its okay and i want him to tell me it okay back because it hurts me too! i feel like if im not there at a certain moment he will give in to the Devil. that feeling has been getting stronger and stronger because he doesnt even tell me anymore..."i'm scared to tell you" is what he says to me. i've gotten to involved to the point he's scared to tell me when he messes up.

my thoughts are all over the place. thanks for actually taking the time to read what i'm saying and trying to understand haha...i really appreciate what you've said previously.

~Maygan

[JenMac]

i feel like i've fallen into the trap of trying to fix this already...its just hurts to realize i can't do anything more for him. i just want him to be happy and out of this situation because i know it hurts him. after reading somearticles on here from other partners of pa i realize im doing everything wrong. i constantly tell him how upset it makes me, which is probably just making him feel even worse for what he's been doing. i want us to support eachother and i want to tell him its okay and i want him to tell me it okay back because it hurts me too! i feel like if im not there at a certain moment he will give in to the Devil. that feeling has been getting stronger and stronger because he doesnt even tell me anymore..."i'm scared to tell you" is what he says to me. i've gotten to involved to the point he's scared to tell me when he messes up.

my thoughts are all over the place. thanks for actually taking the time to read what i'm saying and trying to understand haha...i really appreciate what you've said previously.

~Maygan

Hey Maygann!
I am not sure where you are reading that is making you feel that you should not tell him how this is making you feel? I know, for me, that that is exactly what I did in the beginning and still do now by the way! The only really good thing that my counsellor did for me was to emphasis to me how I needed to impress upon my H how this was affecting me. And to do it often enough that he really did get it! It is very important that he knows how you feel. I am sorry if that hurts them but it is the truth and the truth is necessary, I am afraid!
YOu can support each other Maygan but you shouldn't downplay your feelings. Supporting means assisting in recovery, not in letting him believe that all is well when it is not.
If you partner is sincere in his efforts he will be showing that in his actions. What is he doing to set himself on the path to success? Those are things you can help with, supporting his efforts to move forward to a P free life.
Does he intend to join here? Has he installed a filter? Is he reading and learning about this addiction? What actions is he taking to become P free?
Maygann, we can become confused and consumed by what we read in the beginning! It will take time for you to set yourself on a course of action that you are comfortable with. Go easy on yourself! Don't expect it all to happen at once! But please don't deny yourself the right to speak your thoughts and feelings in hopes of sparing him some pain. You need to speak up for what is going on with you! It is important for you to get out and just as important for him to hear!
Hugs to you Maygann!
Jenn

[stillandagain]

Welcome maygann! You have come to a place that freely offers support, honesty, information, heart, soul and more. We are people, PA's and SO's who have been and ARE where you are. Our stories aren't exactly the same, but the dynamics are similar enough that we don't feel alone in this struggle and challenge. The rollercoaster of emotions is exhausting and debilitating. The MOST IMPORTANT THING for you to do is TAKE CARE OF YOU! One way you do that it to EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS! Its hard, I know. My PA (Beanhead) and I have been through many cycles of discovery and trauma before this "final" one. We are working hard every day, it is hard work every day. Some days are awful - mostly for me I think. My feelings have been all over the place _ rage, hurt, sad, guilty, hopeful, and everywhere in between. I have been consumed by this process, what I have come to know, how hurt and betrayed I have felt. It really helps to come HERE and just say it!

May it be so for you. Keep posting. We will keep responding. We will look forward to you responding to us, too.

Blessings,
Stillandagain

[livelaughrun14]

so lately things have been getting better...even though its been a few days. my bf got a filter on his computer so it gives me more faith in his recovery. i feel like he really wants to break this addiction a lot more than before. it's just to the point where i can't take it anymore...and my trust was growing slimmer and slimmer...and my heart was breaking more and more everytime i found out he failed. i'm praying i wont ever have to feel that way again...but knowing the guy he was and can be, he wont put me in that situation again.

[livelaughrun14]

Just as you think things are gonna get better, and you have more faith...things go back to the way they were. the heart breaking news that he gave in.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

so lately things have been getting better...even though its been a few days. my bf got a filter on his computer so it gives me more faith in his recovery. i feel like he really wants to break this addiction a lot more than before. it's just to the point where i can't take it anymore...and my trust was growing slimmer and slimmer...and my heart was breaking more and more everytime i found out he failed. i'm praying i wont ever have to feel that way again...but knowing the guy he was and can be, he wont put me in that situation again.

I just have a question. it is very encouraging to see that your BF, did put a filter on his computer. My question is this, did you set the password, or did he?. what needs to be done is, you set the password, and DO NOT let him know what it is. giving him the password, is like giving a alcoholic, the key to a liquor cabinet

Just as you think things are gonna get better, and you have more faith...things go back to the way they were. the heart breaking news that he gave in.

This is why, we can not know the password. if he had this filter set up to block his P, there should have not been any way, for him to get to it.

If he truly does want to stop this sick habit, then he should not have a problem, not knowing the password. Just a thought