How many times?

[stillandagain]

So I have been meaning to ask: how many times before the "final discovery" did you and your PA go through the cycle of discovery-fight-repent-promise-forgive-discovery . . .

you get my meaning

Its our history with this cycle that adds to my apprehensive hesitancy to trust.

Its really hard.

Our times were many, over the course of 4 years.
I want to believe and trust that THIS TIME is different.
His actions, our actions, my actions certainly are different.

[TooSensitive]

Still, I think we went through 5 times of my discovering things on my own. It has been over a year since I last discovered anything on the computer, per se. We seemed to hit some sort of rock bottom after the last time, b/c immediately following, that is when I set-up an in-house separation that lasted for 3 months, and I did not care whether or not that meant the end of our relationship at that time. I haven't found any incriminating evidence otherwise since, as far as what I will call "lusting" material. No mags, no dvd's, nothing. But I see him doing things he should not be doing (in terms of "looking" at other women when we are out in public or watching TV).

Since my last "discovery", I have discovered other lies, though, that have nothing to do with other women, but they are still lies, which is not a good indication in the grand scheme of things.

[NewHope10]

Hi Still...

Well - for the first year that I new my H, I also knew he watched P. I did not know that it could be an addiction at that time, and I didn't know to what extent it would go to.

For the first while - I was "okay" with it. Then I started thinking, "Man..this guy watches a lot of P!". Then I became sel-concious of the way I would measure up to what he was looking at. Then...the progression of the PA escalated and I was completely shocked by what he was looking for and watching!

First confrontation.

After that...that's when he started hiding it - and lying - and so-on. I think there were three other confrontations after that (spread out over a couple of years). Then - this last one 7 months ago. He had been using for about years for this last discovery.

I've known my H five and a half years.

Like TooSensitive...this last discovery was different from the others. I gave him the ultimatum - and I've never done that before. I had more anger than I could remember. I was so completely numb for so long that I couldn't feel anything at all. I dispised my H. Yet - I've given him one last chance and certain boundaries/rules (although these have gone bye-bye right now).

You said:

"I want to believe and trust that THIS TIME is different."

Me too. But - I'm afraid to say that what has happened over the last 5.5 years have really jaded me. I would be a complete fool to blindly trust my H again (which is what I did after the first four discoveries). I cannot trust him - nor will I let myself trust him.

That's not to say that people cannot recover. Its a life-long process from what I know of it. Its a life-long commitment to it. There are those here on TTF that have been sober for over a year (BRAVO for them, I might add!!!). There are people in SAA that have been sober for 5, 10, even 20 years! Yes...it can be done. After which discovery will it happen? Only God knows. I understand that when one "hits rock bottom"...that's when it might happen. I always said that I'm afraid my H has not hit rock bottom yet.

So...please try to not give up hope with your H! This might very well be the one that "sticks"! If that's what you believe...then believe it with all your might!

[rosie]

7 years of constant 'i will stop' when the behaviors were actually escalating.

"final discovery" for me, was about 3 months ago. It took 4 relapses since then - I think he is serious this time, but I think those prior relapses helped him to learn new things about himself. I Dont judge relapse as the ultimate failure in recovery - to me, the ultimate failure is lack of self analysis and attempts at bettering oneself.

[stillandagain]

During my 26-year first marriage to a PA, there were many many times, from less than a month after marriage, to the last, when we separated in the house and divorced 6 months later. I can remember how it felt to discover. It was demoralizing. It felt like an affair. I learned later that that feeling was valid. It felt empowering to be "done" at that point that it happened. I knew I meant it, and it stuck.

Beanhead and I have been married less than 2 years, together for 4. We met in a setting where we were "telling our stories," so we knew each other's dysfunctional relationships to P. But we thought, really thought, we could be different - with each other.

a series of "discoveries" have been very painful, but here I am and here we are.

THIS TIME feels different, for both of us.

I hope it is true.

Hope is not easy, nor is it automatic, even for we people of faith.

[NewHope10]

I can relate, Stll. I caught my last husband of 11 years on a multitude of dating websites and chatting with other women. It had been going on for over a year. I gave him one chance to stop and in less than two weeks he was back into doing it again. That was it for me. I left him. I don't think I waited long enough between him and my current H; I didn't heal from my last heartbreak. I jumped into this relationship...and into the fire (so-to-speak).

Hope is not easy, nor is it automatic, even for we people of faith.

I have to say Amen to that! Since you are a woman of faith, you might appreciate a part of my devotion from this morning:

"We invest in others and are eager to see the harvest. We obey God, trust His plan and walk according to His Word. We plant seeds into the soil of our marriages or dating relationships and water them with love, hope and truth. We plant seeds into the life-soil of our friends and co-workers and water them with loyalty, time and encouragement. As parents and grandparents we “grow” our children and our grandchildren. We water them with love, feed them with the Word.

We water and we wait with great expectations in our hearts and a desire to see some growth. We long to see the fruit of our labor.

At times we see fruit.

At times we don’t.

Jesus gave His disciples a trustworthy promise that if we stick to His side and stay tight to God’s will, that our lives and our efforts will bear fruit.

He said in John 15:4-5, Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. When we remain in Jesus – when we trust God by turning to the Holy Spirit for guidance and to His Word for truth – you and I will bear fruit … whether we see it or not."

That really spoke to my heart this morning!

Keep looking up, Still!
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