The Porn Myth - Article

[rosie]

Thought the SO's might like to read this. To me it highlights that porn has a far reaching effect - it is shaping sexuality and it scares me.

The Porn Myth

In the end, porn doesn’t whet men’s appetites—it turns them off the real thing.

* By Naomi Wolf
* Published Oct 13, 2003

At a benefit the other night, I saw Andrea Dworkin, the anti-porn activist most famous in the eighties for her conviction that opening the floodgates of pornography would lead men to see real women in sexually debased ways. If we did not limit pornography, she argued—before Internet technology made that prospect a technical impossibility—most men would come to objectify women as they objectified porn stars, and treat them accordingly. In a kind of domino theory, she predicted, rape and other kinds of sexual mayhem would surely follow.

The feminist warrior looked gentle and almost frail. The world she had, Cassandra-like, warned us about so passionately was truly here: Porn is, as David Amsden says, the “wallpaper” of our lives now. So was she right or wrong?

She was right about the warning, wrong about the outcome. As she foretold, pornography did breach the dike that separated a marginal, adult, private pursuit from the mainstream public arena. The whole world, post-Internet, did become pornographized. Young men and women are indeed being taught what sex is, how it looks, what its etiquette and expectations are, by pornographic training—and this is having a huge effect on how they interact.

But the effect is not making men into raving beasts. On the contrary: The onslaught of porn is responsible for deadening male libido in relation to real women, and leading men to see fewer and fewer women as “porn-worthy.” Far from having to fend off porn-crazed young men, young women are worrying that as mere flesh and blood, they can scarcely get, let alone hold, their attention.

Here is what young women tell me on college campuses when the subject comes up: They can’t compete, and they know it. For how can a real woman—with pores and her own breasts and even sexual needs of her own (let alone with speech that goes beyond “More, more, you big stud!”)—possibly compete with a cybervision of perfection, downloadable and extinguishable at will, who comes, so to speak, utterly submissive and tailored to the consumer’s least specification?

For most of human history, erotic images have been reflections of, or celebrations of, or substitutes for, real naked women. For the first time in human history, the images’ power and allure have supplanted that of real naked women. Today, real naked women are just bad porn.

For two decades, I have watched young women experience the continual “mission creep” of how pornography—and now Internet pornography—has lowered their sense of their own sexual value and their actual sexual value. When I came of age in the seventies, it was still pretty cool to be able to offer a young man the actual presence of a naked, willing young woman. There were more young men who wanted to be with naked women than there were naked women on the market. If there was nothing actively alarming about you, you could get a pretty enthusiastic response by just showing up. Your boyfriend may have seen Playboy, but hey, you could move, you were warm, you were real. Thirty years ago, simple lovemaking was considered erotic in the pornography that entered mainstream consciousness: When Behind the Green Door first opened, clumsy, earnest, missionary-position intercourse was still considered to be a huge turn-on.


~~~ Edited for too strong of sexual content ~~


But does all this sexual imagery in the air mean that sex has been liberated—or is it the case that the relationship between the multi-billion-dollar porn industry, compulsiveness, and sexual appetite has become like the relationship between agribusiness, processed foods, supersize portions, and obesity? If your appetite is stimulated and fed by poor-quality material, it takes more junk to fill you up. People are not closer because of porn but further apart; people are not more turned on in their daily lives but less so.

The young women who talk to me on campuses about the effect of pornography on their intimate lives speak of feeling that they can never measure up, that they can never ask for what they want; and that if they do not offer what porn offers, they cannot expect to hold a guy. The young men talk about what it is like to grow up learning about sex from porn, and how it is not helpful to them in trying to figure out how to be with a real woman. Mostly, when I ask about loneliness, a deep, sad silence descends on audiences of young men and young women alike. They know they are lonely together, even when conjoined, and that this imagery is a big part of that loneliness. What they don’t know is how to get out, how to find each other again erotically, face-to-face.

So Dworkin was right that pornography is compulsive, but she was wrong in thinking it would make men more rapacious. A whole generation of men are less able to connect erotically to women—and ultimately less libidinous.

The reason to turn off the porn might become, to thoughtful people, not a moral one but, in a way, a physical- and emotional-health one; you might want to rethink your constant access to porn in the same way that, if you want to be an athlete, you rethink your smoking. The evidence is in: Greater supply of the stimulant equals diminished capacity.

After all, pornography works in the most basic of ways on the brain: It is Pavlovian. An orgasm is one of the biggest reinforcers imaginable. If you associate orgasm with your wife, a kiss, a scent, a body, that is what, over time, will turn you on; if you open your focus to an endless stream of ever-more-transgressive images of cybersex slaves, that is what it will take to turn you on. The ubiquity of sexual images does not free eros but dilutes it.

Other cultures know this. I am not advocating a return to the days of hiding female sexuality, but I am noting that the power and charge of sex are maintained when there is some sacredness to it, when it is not on tap all the time. In many more traditional cultures, it is not prudery that leads them to discourage men from looking at pornography. It is, rather, because these cultures understand male sexuality and what it takes to keep men and women turned on to one another over time—to help men, in particular, to, as the Old Testament puts it, “rejoice with the wife of thy youth; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times.” These cultures urge men not to look at porn because they know that a powerful erotic bond between parents is a key element of a strong family.

And feminists have misunderstood many of these prohibitions.

I will never forget a visit I made to Ilana, an old friend who had become an Orthodox Jew in Jerusalem. When I saw her again, she had abandoned her jeans and T-shirts for long skirts and a head scarf. I could not get over it. Ilana has waist-length, wild and curly golden-blonde hair. “Can’t I even see your hair?” I asked, trying to find my old friend in there. “No,” she demurred quietly. “Only my husband,” she said with a calm sexual confidence, “ever gets to see my hair.”

When she showed me her little house in a settlement on a hill, and I saw the bedroom, draped in Middle Eastern embroideries, that she shares only with her husband—the kids are not allowed—the sexual intensity in the air was archaic, overwhelming. It was private. It was a feeling of erotic intensity deeper than any I have ever picked up between secular couples in the liberated West. And I thought: Our husbands see naked women all day—in Times Square if not on the Net. Her husband never even sees another woman’s hair.

She must feel, I thought, so hot.

Compare that steaminess with a conversation I had at Northwestern, after I had talked about the effect of porn on relationships. “Why have sex right away?” a boy with tousled hair and Bambi eyes was explaining. “Things are always a little tense and uncomfortable when you just start seeing someone,” he said. “I prefer to have sex right away just to get it over with. You know it’s going to happen anyway, and it gets rid of the tension.”

“Isn’t the tension kind of fun?” I asked. “Doesn’t that also get rid of the mystery?”

“Mystery?” He looked at me blankly. And then, without hesitating, he replied: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Sex has no mystery.”

[BelieveInHope]

good article--makes me very, very sad for men and women both, and the children growing up in this polluted culture. I liked that it did not argue against P on merely a religious or moral platform, which many people will tune out.

Rosie, what do you think about posting this in the general forum? I think the PAs could benefit from this as well, especially to understand how P culture has stolen from them as men and their own sexuality.

[fragileego]

Thanks for posting this. One of the main issues that I have with porn is that it serves as a microcosm of society in general, and how women are viewed/treated vis-a-vis men (i.e., we are objects, hopefully fertile ones, who are to put up and serve men's needs).

When I studied gender studies in college, I remember some pretty heated debates by "sex-positive" feminists, who claim that by asserting one's sexuality in ways that have been traditionally viewed as objectifying, women claim their power over men. Mmhmm... It's similar to the debate that some African Americans have had about the use of the "n" word, which has historically been used in a terribly racist, degrading manner towards them. By using the word in reference to one other, they reclaim it and claim some power over whites. I disagree. Maybe subjectively, women asserting themselves in the traditional roles as sexual objects might make women feel more in control, but objectively, I don't see what porn is doing for decreasing the wage gap, for instance.

So unless society in general changes and women are respected as much as men are, I don't see myself enjoying porn.

The increase in its availability via the internet just makes me feel sorry for today's youth, and I fear for the way my daughter will see herself in the future. I think porn has skewed men's perceptions of women so much, as well as what relationships should be, that it will truly affect relationships going forward. Teenage boys already believe women should look like porn stars, whether it be certain grooming habits or whatnot, and they don't realize that it isn't REAL!

There was an article recently in New York Magazine that discussed this issue (titled something about porn and the American male). It basically said that more men (and boys) are watching porn and MB, and that the physical act alone is making it more difficult for them to engage in real sex, let alone the psychological aspect and how desensitized they become. It's as though when they see the real thing in front of them, they may as well be looking at an apple. The article also mentioned something about how women are reacting to this phenomena, and the slap to their self-esteem has made some women try to emulate porn stars during sex because that is what it seems their SO's want/desire, which freaks out the men and turns them off. So women are damned if they do and damned if they don't, and no matter what, they are made to feel like crap about themselves.

My H seemed to be a bit shaken when, during one of our last arguments on this topic, I told him that he was choosing something fake over something real, that he was lying to his real wife over something that has no opinion of him whatsoever, and wouldn't engage in sex with him because it isn't REAL. It was like "ding ding!" A bell went off somewhere and it (maybe) registered that he was jeopardizing something real in his life for some selfish fantasy that only hurts me and other women.

[tntang]

great post rosie i can relate to it greatly and good eye on my so s post taht was my writing but shes on her own now i dont have her password so if u c her post it is her posting i have enough trouble just keeping up my own post i sure dont need two lol your insight into pa is great keep reading learning sharing and caring have a great day

[2frustrated]

Great post, Rosie! Between p, video games, unlimited and constant access to "info" via cell phones, and so on, and so on, we are creating a generation of . . . . I don't know what. Skinner box zombies? Walking sensory apparatuses?

I am all about progress, but when we (as a society) open the floodgates of technology without even an inkling of forethought, new and unknown variables are introduced into the psyche for which we are not accustomed or equipped.

Naomi Wolf is a calm voice of reason in this new world of anything and everything.

[rosie]

Great post, Rosie! Between p, video games, unlimited and constant access to "info" via cell phones, and so on, and so on, we are creating a generation of . . . . I don't know what. Skinner box zombies? Walking sensory apparatuses?

I am all about progress, but when we (as a society) open the floodgates of technology without even an inkling of forethought, new and unknown variables are introduced into the psyche for which we are not accustomed or equipped.

Naomi Wolf is a calm voice of reason in this new world of anything and everything.

This is exactly what I see in my children, 2frustrated - sensory apparatuses. I have done mini-social experiments with them (not on purpose) but I have noted that during school holidays, particularly when I am working and letting them indulge in computers, etc - they literally become sensory apparatus. They can't get enough stimulation. The real world is BORING in comparison to the BUZZ of movies, tv, and internet. And what I notice is that their communication, and relatedness skills diminish greatly. They stop wanting to be around eachother, they fight constantly, they stop communicating and feel very agitated because they are not being entertained by a 3rd party (in this case, tv, videos/etc).

I find that they lose the desire to go out and do "boy" things - like wrestle and play football. They stop loving going to the beach, and they stop craving the sun on their skin. In essence, they stop wanting 'reality' because it doesnt measure up to 'screens'.

I also find that they are less respectful to me - and these are boys NOT watching pornography - just games and movies. I think this is because they are agitated from withdrawals from stimulation. I am the person who stands in their way of indulging in it ALL DAY, so I am no longer seen as a person - just a blockage to what they really want. I also see this echoed in PA's/so relationships - the PA tends to resent the SO.

When we moved house, the internet was down for 3 weeks - and because there was no option of this hyper stimulus, they just went outside and played together. The moment there was the option of using the net for stimulation, this stopped. Just the mere possibility of using it stopped all other incentive for them to seek other fun.

As kids, we had to make our OWN fun. We had to be creative. Today its like we are raising a generation of zombies - you are exactly right. They dont know how to entertain themselves without constant stimulus. It is not a stretch to see how porn would impact sexuality and real women in the same way.

It's sad, sad because human connection is what drives people - is it not? That even the most fundamental biological imperative (sex) is being undermined by a manufactured industry....it's truly mind blowing. We have created a new world - where real things don't exist and that's the world our kids are now growing up in :(

[Disillusioned]

Thanks Rosie, for the thought-provoking post. After having read "Pornified," I have come to many of the same conclusions about this p stuff that has infected and affected all of us. I worry for the next generation. I have a beautiful nephew and a beautiful great nephew. When we have a dinner outing or get-together, they are glued to electronic, hand-held entertainment gadgets and games. If you ask them what they are doing in school, or what have they learned about recently that surprised them and that they might want to learn more about, sometimes you get this dazed look in their eyes like deer in response to car headlights. What's going on here? There just isn't a connect, and it is sad. So, I believe our young people are not learning communication skills that were easier to learn in a time when playing was an interaction between two or more kids, instead of a kid and a game. Rules between kids playing outside were negotiated. Our kids today just don't learn that.

Add porn to this gadget oriented group. It introduces sex as one person using another person and the person being used, ususally the woman, so grateful for this attention, she is gasping in ectasy. Sad, as that is not how it works. Our young men will not be learning how to truly romance a girl, talk to a girl, share thoughts and feelings with a girl, and our girls are so worried that they can't measure up to the images of the porn stars, that they feel inadequate. They don't worry as much about cultivating growth of the person inside them, as they do about their bodily images in comparison to the perfect porn star. None of them worry about the value of true intimacy between two loving, committed partners, and how wonderful that can be, how it strengthens a couple, how it lets you go out into the world feeling stronger, connected and of value.

Porn is the greatest stimulus for girls to experiment in plastic surgery to help emulate the fantastic bodies seen in the activities represented there. The number of 18 year olds seeking breast augmentation continues to grow. Now, we have advertisers claiming that their dancers or stars are mostly "natural." So, even augmenting with surgery devalues a woman's appearance. Who knows what long term health problems may come from these surgeries. They are not without risk.

To compare values, look at the country of Cameroon, where it is still a custom for mothers to iron (using a wooden post that has been heated) to flatten their pubescing adolescent daughters' breasts so as to thwart male attention and allow their girls to continue their education without being interrupted by the interest and advances of men in their lives.

It's a matter of values and customs. I do not condone what mothers feel they are doing to protect their daughters in Cameroon. The long term damage done is terrible, but we are not on the right track in this "advanced" country either. This P thing has infected our culture as surely as a plague. Until there is some way of elminating it from being so readily available, we will have young men and women with twisted values and fantasy expectations. It is a real world, with real problems that need addressed. We cannot afford to lose a generation or two or three in the la-la- land of fantasy that porn sells.

When my h's activities came to light, I blamed my inadequate body on his need for adventure. I apologized for not having enough to keep him satisfied. My body served him well over the years, cared about his needs, always before any of my own, lost sleep trying to make a better life for all of us, gave him 3 children, nursed them so that they would be healthier, wanted him, felt so happy and valuable to be wanted by him, and I felt I needed to apologize for not being enough? If this kind of betrayal, this kind of shock, and this kind of pain of finding out what he liked to look at and fantasize about could distort the life values and experiences of a grown woman, I can only imagine how confused our kids are. I realize many of my responses are co-dependent, always trying to take care of others instead of myself, but it still bears witness to the harm that this stuff can do to people of all ages, especially our young people who have no other background or history to refer to. Imagine how much more vulnerable our children who have been shuffled between multiple parental partners and families, as parents break up and find new romantic interests, are going to be.

Thank you to Rosie, who wrote this original post, and to all the others who responded. Best wishes to all of you as you find your way through the pain and destruction this p parasite has caused.

disillusioned