Very new and confused

[Wanty]

I found out h has been viewing p, every since he was a youth thru his various relationships and now into ours. I am totally destroyed by it given all what is said on this forum about PA I didn't ever think my h would have such thoughts let alone actions.

I caught him whilst I was in the home with my mom and he said he was doing it for our iVF, what a lie! For the past two months he has drip fed me stuff on the extent of his PA, given no longer is it the regular kind of p. There is ******, ****** and all sorts. I have been thru everything i can find to uncover most of it myself but still there is more in my mind of what he has been up to. He even went to the extent of doing it on his work laptop whilst he wAs on a business trip recently which I had to force out of him as he knew I couldn't control his access there given I locked the access up at home.

I set some boundaries by asking he seeks counselling which has committed to do and asked we try and rebuild from scratch our marriage where the former relationship is almost dead given it's basis was the lies and deceit. He has limited friends and broken relationships with his family. I have always acted as the mediator in his family by helping him build up bonds but now I feel i can't play that role anymore. I feel very let down.

I know none of this is about me as the PA was there before me but the explanations he tries to give me never seem enough. He says he acts out because the secret was his and he loathes himself but why go to it if the urge makes you feel so bad. He says he doesn't even feel stimulated by it anymore but why did it consume so much of his life and take valuable moments away from me. I want to be a supportive wife but at the moment I feel like judge and jury..that is not healthy for my own sanity. I don't want to feel like the victim. I don't want to run away from him either as I know he needs help as counselling sessions are not going to solve his issues alone. We have fought so much over this where now both of us don't have the energy to even fight anymore but we don't seem to be able to stick to our plan of making our marriage work. The PA seems to overshadowed what good things there was about us, our closest friends use to look at us and say how much my h adored me how much love he gave. That all seems very distant from the truth where he tried to compensate for his PA. Can anyone share their view on how to cope. I have spent hours researching the topic and so relate to a lot of SO on this forum. I know I am not alone but why does it still so lonely?

[fragileego]

Hi Wanty,

I am new here myself, but just wanted to say welcome, and though I am sorry you find yourself here, I hope that it provides a platform for you to heal. I have found this place to be comforting, given that PA doesn't seem to be something that is freely discussed in society, and it's difficult to cope with alone.

I can relate to what you say about the discovery of your SO's PA clouding over the good things in your relationship. I discovered my H's PA about 3 months ago when I was 8 months pregnant with our first child. It was devastating, and I suddenly found myself questioning all the good aspects of our relationship and whether it was all a sham. I don't believe that it is, but there are aspects of its foundation that are on shaky ground, certainly.

I hope that you and your SO are able to move through this and each can heal. Others suggested this to me when I joined this forum, but you may want to send your SO a link to this site and write him a letter detailing how you feel and also setting boundaries as to what you can and cannot tolerate in your life/home.

Hugs and best wishes to you.

[Wanty]

Thank you very much and yes i agree it is a sad state of affairs that we find ourselves in. I have been totally consumed by the discovery as like most people never even considered our h would have such issues.

I feel so much for you as being pregnant when finding out must have shattered your world just like i was when my h told me he was
M for our IVF program...so many lies have been said which is what hurts most of all.

I like the idea of writing a letter, he sent me one recently asking me to give him a chance so i think i will write down what this has done to me and what it is going to take as verbal communication is not the greatest right now with all the pent up anger and emotions flying around.

Good luck to you too, i really hope we find ways to find resolve>:D<>:D<

[rosie]

HI Wanty, sorry you find yourself here but happy you are here! You need support in this.

Wanty, its normal to 'collect evidence' at first, it can become quite obsessive but its part of the ride. You need to know the facts! And so you should - this is YOUR life too!
You have a right to know what your husband has been up to, so don't feel bad about wanting to find out.

The best thing I could tell you to do is look after yourself in this. There is a recovery nation workshop for partners - it helped me immensely to read this.

Have you thought about starting a journal in the SO area? This might be healing for you - and a way to get some support.

Take care of YOU. (See my sig!).

[betrayed family]

Welcome Wanty,
The pain and the overwhelming desire to KNOW, the desire to stop him from turning to porn CONTROL....
Unfortunately, these are feeling that are repeated across this forum... FORTUNATELY you found this place and now YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!
Allow yourself to FEEL.. although not an easy thing to allow our emotions to take over (we all are taught to control ourselves).... allow yourself to cry when you need too... scream at the wall and vent on inanimate objects when you need too ( couch pillows listen well... and it doesn't hurt them when I scream when I am home alone)....
Don't blame yourself.... hug yourself!!
The letter is a great idea....get it all out to him.
This site seems to always have someone here to listen, not judge and give support and guidance.... Glad you found us!
Hugs to you.
Betrayedfamily

[BrokenHeartedAgain]

Wanty, welcome to the forum.. I am new here myself and I just wanted to tell you, you are not alone here. I can relate to what you said about feeling like judge and jury... I don't want to feel like that either because then it's not him making the choices but I feel like I'm making them for him. After all if I didn't ketch him... he'd still be doing it. So that is one of the many things I am struggling with right now. I hope together we can find some answers... take care of yourself. ( =