How did you set boundaries? Do you still check?

[fragileego]

Thanks, Hopeful. I think I am in a similar position as you are. My H has told me I can check his phone and computer. I don't like doing it, but when I'm triggered, I do, and it just feels like this vicious cycle I'm in. I've asked H to install a filter and I think that's what we're going to do. I don't know if I'll check the reports (probably at first, but if he seems to be on the road to recovery, then less so).

In the last week, H seems to be proactively wanting to change. It's probably too soon to tell how dedicated he is, but the fact that he is offering transparency makes me feel a little better right now.

[stillandagain]

are we SO's also guilty of self-deception?

checking history is not going to "catch" the softer versions that the PA USES AS P. So, checking history doesn't reveal truth. Thats why I stopped. Once he admitted (part of?) the extent of stuff he was using AS PORN, I knew it is no way up to me to monitor him. It is not possible. It was driving me crazy.

thinking about or agreeing to install a filter isn't the same as acually doing it. For me, actions MUST speak louder than words or even intentions because of the depth and extent of the lies I have been repeatedly told.

When I think he/we are adequately filtered, I figured out the other ways a PA can find his fix. I either figure it out on my own or learn here in ttf. That learning is unpeeling layer upon layer of truth - or rather, of lies and risking behavior. Risking of us, of family, of job, of self.

As I become more realistic about what I was actually living with, I feel more and more hurt and angry. I want to know. I need to know. But it makes me crazy

Its time for the craziness to stop! And for his actions to speak louder than his words or promise or intention.

[rosie]

Yes, yes, I agree with so much of this. Out of curiosity, though, did you ask your husband to install the filter, or did he do it himself? I asked mine to install one this morning, and he seemed to agree. He's told me that I am "welcome" to check his phone and computer, but I don't want to do it anymore. After I was triggered this morning and asked H about the filter, he asked me to check his user history. I declined. I don't want to be a part of this game, but on the other hand, I'd like to know what I'm dealing with as part of my healing, as H hasn't been truthful to me in the past about P. If H isn't going to work on his PA, then I need to leave. That's it. I don't want to continue this morning ritual of H waking and me lying in bed wondering what he's doing. I'm through with it.

I don't know. It's a Catch-22. I think maybe the filter is a compromise, now that I do believe H is trying to change, not because of me or our marriage per se, but because he wants to change. Before I found out about his P use, he never realized he had a problem. Now he does, and he wants to stop. Maybe that's the difference.

Dont know if you are asking me or the original poster?? I think not me - but I will answer anyway LOL :P

I just want to preface this by saying that I am highly jaded and highly UNTRUSTING of PA's in general. I also want to say that my PA is a master at game-playing and is highly intelligent, and has, on many occasions, fooled me, so I am very skeptical of nearly anything he says. So, with that in mind, here is my opinion.

Whenever my PA has told me I am "welcome" to check something, a red flag goes up in my mind, makes me feel nervous - feels like a game - feels like they are trying to win something, to prove something. In my case, my PA has done this to win the game of pretending he hasn't been looking at p - when in actual fact, he just knows he has cleaned it up very well. I dont like this game.

For me, recovery isn't just about P. PA's in recovery change their whole life - its not just P. When my PA isn't into the P, he is a different person - he is more connected, more caring, and more hands on in the family. He treats me with more respect, and there is no shame in his eyes. I look for those things that are not within his control in order to monitor his behaviour. Even a filter on a phone and computer does not stop his access to work computers, strip clubs, internet cafes etc - and I just think that pinning hopes of recovery clues on one filter is setting yourself up to fail.

My husband is a computer genius, so he didn't install his own filter - because I gave up on trying.. theres no POINT. He even knows how to get around keyloggers. I actually installed one sneakily on his computer that he found within 24 hours. Its still there, it still sends me reports - they are accurate for what he searches for however, theres a lot of p that is downloaded OUTSIDE of browsers, so its pretty useless anyway if your PA knows his way around this.

Its good your HB is agreeing to a filter....if you check out Phils journal from the beginning, you will see steps and a mindset I wish my husband had in the beginning of his recovery. Phil takes his own initiative to plug EVERY hole and reassure his partner (and himself) that he is not going back to P. This, to me, is a great start.

As for phones, I sold my husbands smart phone. He acted out on it at work and i lost the plot and put it on ebay. Probably not my right, but it was that or divorce. He then went and bough a text only phone, which was a positive sign.

I also want to say (wow, I am such a grim reeper) that my husband has acted out using magazines, tv, other computers, strip clubs, aaaaand the list goes on (including his saved p movies in his mind - dont discount those!) ONE filter is not gonna change much for my husband - but your husband might be different. I think it can be a good barrier in some regards. At least he has to think about it when he can't access it. :(

[fragileego]

are we SO's also guilty of self-deception?

checking history is not going to "catch" the softer versions that the PA USES AS P. So, checking history doesn't reveal truth. Thats why I stopped. Once he admitted (part of?) the extent of stuff he was using AS PORN, I knew it is no way up to me to monitor him. It is not possible. It was driving me crazy.

thinking about or agreeing to install a filter isn't the same as acually doing it. For me, actions MUST speak louder than words or even intentions because of the depth and extent of the lies I have been repeatedly told.

When I think he/we are adequately filtered, I figured out the other ways a PA can find his fix. I either figure it out on my own or learn here in ttf. That learning is unpeeling layer upon layer of truth - or rather, of lies and risking behavior. Risking of us, of family, of job, of self.

As I become more realistic about what I was actually living with, I feel more and more hurt and angry. I want to know. I need to know. But it makes me crazy

Its time for the craziness to stop! And for his actions to speak louder than his words or promise or intention.

I don't think I'm being self-deceptive, but I'm new to my H's PA, and I'm not fully familiar with the various ways that he might try to deceive me. So, a filter may not work, and maybe I am kidding myself.

Your post shows me how exhausting -- and probably futile -- the checking can be. It may be good to know what you're dealing with on some level, but it isn't worth losing your sanity over. Also, at what point does one draw the line in terms of content, anyway? I'm fully aware that men can also fantasize about women in advertisements or Victoria's Secret catalogues, or even some random woman he passes on the street. It's partly a biological response. I suppose right now I'm familiarizing myself with my comfort level and H's behavior, but P is the main thing that bothers me right now.