First post here - New wife / New mom, trying to cope

[fragileego]

I am grateful to have found this site. I have been suffering in silence, and I feel like I am losing my mind. I'm grateful for anyone willing to listen.

I found out about my SO's problem about 3 months ago when I was nearly 8 months pregnant with our first baby. We are both in our early 30's, and have been married for less than one year. I moved to another country to start a life with him, and have little to no support system here of my own.

I stumbled upon SO's web history on his mobile while looking up a link. I had no idea he was watching this regularly, and most likely would have discovered this years ago had I been someone who snoops. We had never discussed the issue (maybe I naively assumed he wasn't into it because he had me and what I believed was a healthy sexual relationship) I was devastated; I felt betrayed, as though I had been cheated on, I felt worthless and wondered why he was even married to me. I was feeling self-conscious with the changes my body was going through being pregnant, and did not feel very sexy or attractive. However, my hormones were working on overdrive throughout my pregnancy, and I was always in the mood for sex -- which my husband was fully aware of (and I would have thought would be most men's dream come true). Our intimacy waned as my pregnancy progressed, and I couldn't understand why. When I asked SO about it, he always came up with some sort of excuse to avoid being intimate with me.

After I discovered the porn, I asked him about it. I wanted to be understanding and not confrontational. I couldn't understand when and why he was watching this. We were together most of the time when he was not at work, and we live in a relatively small apartment, so it's not as though he can easily hide it from me. I wanted him to be honest with me. We had a long talk -- we've had several long talks in the last few months, yet nothing has changed.

I have been very vocal about how I feel and why this hurts me. A few points:

1) I HATE porn, and I don't think I'm a prude. I consider myself a very sexual and passionate person, and I love sharing this with SO. I think porn is objectifying and demeaning towards women. It makes us look like nothing more than objects for men to use for their own needs. It represents the power that men like to have over women. I have read that up to 70% of women in porn have been sexually abused, which is why they have issues with boundaries and filming themselves doing this stuff. That's all I think about when I think of porn: that this woman is someone's daughter, sister, wife, etc.

I hate how men feel it is their right to watch porn "because it is their nature". Men do not need porn, they just like to convince themselves that they do. Like I'm supposed to just accept this because "this is how men are", which is NOT TRUE because I've been in relationships with men who abhorred porn because they didn't see women demeaning themselves or being objectified as something that is attractive.

Whatever happened to real love, real people, real connections, real feelings?! Are women not human? I don't want our daughter to grow up near this crap; I want her to grow up with a healthy sense of self-worth. There are enough outside the confines of our household that she will have to deal with on an everyday basis in terms of her self-esteem being a female in this world, and SO doesn't seem to get this (as most men don't).

2) SO watches porn with teens (legal) and/or "women" who look nothing like me. The teens are easily ten years younger than me. While I was petite before getting pregnant, my pre-pregnancy figure has not yet returned, and I'm not sure it ever fully will. SO says this doesn't matter, but his actions seem to suggest otherwise. If teens are his fantasy, then I can't help him in this area, and it really upsets me to think that he is getting off to women who have bodies that look nothing like mine. It makes me feel as though he would possibly cheat on me with someone much younger were he given the opportunity to do so. (I don't look at/drool over men with six-packs; I love and fantasize about my SO.) The last thing I saw he viewed was with a redhead, and his ex is a redhead, so that made me feel badly too.

3) SO has used it to replace intimacy with me, and he has lied to me about it. I discovered that he watches it in the morning while I am typically in bed sleeping. I believe he then goes into the shower to MB. I have been very open to him about feeling very sexual and wanting intimacy in the morning or any other time, yet this never happens anymore. It makes me feel as though he married me just "because", and that he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. He wants sex with me, but he also wants to be able to fantasize about other women when he feels like it.

I hate who I have become. I am angry, paranoid, suspicious, and sad most of the time. I feel devastated and broken. I trusted SO and never would have spied on him, but now that this seed has been planted in my head, I constantly check his computer, and I hate myself for doing this. I also hate that I feel so badly about myself now, inadequate, unattractive, etc.

I feel as though I don't know this person I married. We had a beautiful, healthy baby girl about four weeks ago, and I thought that maybe her arrival would help shift his priorities. It hasn't. When I was in the hospital for two nights with the baby due to complications I discovered that SO was watching porn at home while I stayed overnight, and he was late meeting me at the hospital the next morning. He has watched while I'm in the shower. He watches when I leave the apartment for a half an hour. I feel as though he waits for the opportunity to watch it now -- like I'm keeping him from something more important. He is away this weekend, and I believe he will probably watch it. Now that this has come out into the open, I feel as though he watches it to punish me when we have an argument.

My parents came to visit about two weeks ago, and I caught him during the morning of their last day here. I was crying and couldn't tell them why. SO said he would stop, but then I caught him again four days later. He lied to me about it and I ended up shoving him (I have never done this before) in front of the baby. It was one of the lowest days of my life. I ended up crying hysterically in the shower for an hour. SO apologized and said he would stop.

Less than one week later, I caught him again. Apparently, he thought that he had covered his trail, and tried to turn the issue onto ME. He told me that I was the one with the problem for spying, not him, and that I was attracted to drama, even though this is the one issue we have ever really fought about in our relationship. When I showed him his user history, and it was clear that he had lied to me yet again, he apologized and back tracked. He said he had a problem and wanted to do something about it. He was sorry. He would stop. Please give him another chance.

I don't really think he is sorry for watching porn; I think he is sorry for getting caught. I do think he loves me, and I think he is sorry for hurting me so, but I don't know that he thinks it's a problem.

I am at a loss. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Over the last week, my breast milk supply has decreased by 1/3 because of the stress, so it is affecting our baby too. I have told SO about all of this, but I'm not optimistic that things will change right now. I think he thinks he will just hide it better so that I won't find out, or that he'll wait it out a bit until things "cool down".

At what point do I say enough is enough? I am physically and emotionally exhausted from having a baby and caring for a newborn, let alone the emotional roller coaster all this lying and manipulation has put me through.

I don't trust SO right now, and it hurts so much, as I've always trusted him and us. I don't know what it will take to trust him again. All of these little things trigger me, like seeing him take his cell phone into the bathroom (which probably isn't just a trigger), or leaving the apartment to go get groceries while he's at home alone. I don't want to be intimate with him until I know that he has stopped watching porn, but I have no way of being certain that he has stopped; the thought of him being with these online fantasies and then with me disgusts me. I feel resentful for him putting me through this. We are only just married. We should be enjoying our new marriage!

I love my SO with all my heart and want our marriage to work out. He is a wonderful, loving person despite all that has happened. But he's got a problem and he's being incredibly selfish, and I just don't know what to do at this point or how much more I can take. I haven't given him ultimatums, but I've indicated that I cannot live this way. I've told him again and again how I feel about it, how he is making me feel by knowing this and not stopping. I've asked him to block the sites or to seek treatment, I've offered to go to a therapist with him, which he refuses to do. It's only been a few days since our last fight, and I'm not feeling so optimistic right now about the future, based on what's happened. He is pushing me away.

My mental state is so fragile now that I'm just questioning everything.

Thanks for listening.

[Charly22]

Welcome HA, I am sorry that you have to pour your heart out at a website like this, but at the same time, glad you have found a place to let it out.

I have been dealing with my h's p addiction for longer than I'd like to admit. And it sounds like an addiction that your husband is dealing with as well. It is hard for them to admit it and come to terms with it.

I know that the worst thing that I ever did was try to keep this inside, and not talk to anyone about it. There are no perfect answers that you will receive, but you will find that talking about it, or writing about it here and sharing with others will be one of the most beneficial things for you. Even if it is to just get it out, and find some clarity and calm.

Lots of folks here recommend writing a letter to your husband, in a non-confrontational way, in order to let him know how this is affecting you.

It is a proven fact, that when someone is fully addicted to p, to say "I will stop" and try to run on sheer willpower, that is not effective. He will truly mean what he says when he sees your hurting, he will truly mean it and will have resolve at that point in time, but it fades, it takes daily committment, a plan, support, a daily renewal of his resolve. Temptation is everywhere these days. My husband has often said "you knew I looked at p when you married me".....well....when I married him there was the occasional magazine and the occasional vhs tape (I'm tellin my age here) Now...it is pumped into our home pc's, it is pumped into our digital cable boxes....it is pumped into our cell phones....it's everywhere.

I advise you to keep coming here and sharing your feelings and not keep it bottled up. I advise you to write a letter to your husband that is not finger pointing, and will let him know how this affects you and what your boundaries are. Take time to think about that. And as hard as it is to hear.......he's not gonna stop until it is HIS desire to rid the pain of his p viewing from his life.

So, please use this as your outlet. Please learn to detach from the hurt, and protect your heart and time with your lil ones. Thank you for sharing with us.

[stillandagain]

hello hungerartist. i too am glad you found the courage to come here and tell your story. Yours may not be exactly the same as ours, as mine, but it IS the same in so many painful ways.

I think you will find much support here, many hearts and ears to listen. We all need to share this devastation with each other, to help each other understand, to walk with each other toward healing and wholeness.

so, as strange as it many sound, welcome. and, I am so sorry that you find yourslef here, too.

[rosie]

Wow, I thought I was reading my own post reading yours... It was very surreal. I think the same way you do about all of this, and you are among friends here. >:D<

I have children, and I know how utterly exhausting it is having a newborn baby so I am going to cut to the chase.

As much as this is devastating right now, the single most important thing for you to do (in my opinion) is to take care of yourself - and not focus on the p issue right now, as hard as it might be, as hard as I know this is, it is crucial to nurture yourself especially through times of sleep deprivation and emotional and physical exhaustion.

I was recently in hospital with meningitis (among other life-threatening things) and my husband used that opportunity to use porn. I was devastated, and I know exactly how you feel. One point to remember through all of this is that this condition is NO reflection on you - it is about THEM. We tend to blame ourselves and feel somehow lacking, but the truth is that THEY are lacking - which is why they are PA's.

You don't have to react right now - sorry to say but the addiction isn't going anywhere any time soon :( You have time to address this. Taking care of YOU now is paramount - do whatever you have to do to put you and baby first. See my sig. x

Arm yourself with support - which you are doing by coming here, we will support you, and nurture yourself right now.

[JenMac]

Hi Hungerartist!
I am so glad you have found us!! You have come to the right place! This should be the one of the most exciting times of your life and I am sorry it is being soiled and damaged with this intrusion into your life. It makes me incredibly sad to read this!
You feel exactly the same way I have always felt about P, H. I could have written those same words. They are my thoughts to a T.
Hungerartist, when this was first discovered in my home, I had to make decisions. I had to set boundaries. I had to determine what was best for me and how I would get to that place.
I couldn't do it all at once. It took time.
But I can tell you that within 24 hours, I knew that I could not live with this in my life. I knew this for sure. I think I knew this because of how I felt about P all of my life. And I knew that, for me, I couldn't be in a marriage where I felt unsafe, disrespected and unloved because of this.
I told my H within 24 hours of discovery that I could not/would not live with this in my life.
I struggled with saying these things to my H, because we had been married for over 30 years and I never thought I would be saying those words. But I knew that I meant what I was saying, because I knew myself and that I could never be happy with this happening in our lives.
Well H, my H and I are here one year later, wiser, closer, and happier than I thought we could ever be. It has been a long journey but we have learned a lot along the way.
H, my H did not realize the extent or depth of the problem in the beginning either but he knew that he needed to do something to save his life and our life as he knew it. And fight he did. He/we have learned so much and so much of that has been due to TTF. YOu will find much support and wisdom here!
Welcome H!
Do what you need to do for you and deal with this in your own way and time H! You will know what you need so don't be afraid to speak up and state those needs. You may need to set boundaries for what you can live with as well. It is suggested to write a letter expressing how this has affected you as there is power in the written word that is not there otherwise. I have found that to be very helpful to both my H and I.
Look after you and your little one H! Hold her tight and try to cherish the moments! Don't let this take that away from you!!

...thinking of you and wishing you well!!Jenn

[fragileego]

Thank you so much for your kind responses and support. I feel a sense of relief having found this place, as it's not something I feel comfortable talking to with "real life" friends, which is so isolating.

@Rosie: I'm so sorry to hear that your H did that to you while you were in hospital and in need. I have never dealt with addiction before of any kind, and am just now realizing how selfish it seems to the loved ones who have to deal with it. You make a good point about the PA likely not going anywhere for a while, and I think over the last few days, I have "calmed down" a bit -- or, more like just gone numb -- while I try to care for my baby and enjoy her while she slowly recognizes me and learns to smile. It's these things that are keeping me going right now.

The things I am left wondering right now are: How do I set boundaries with SO? How do I "numb" myself to make my life okay for the time being? How much do I really want/need to know?

I have been looking at SO's user history on a daily basis, and it's not telling me anything I didn't already instinctively know. The confirmation makes me feel worse. I keep wondering whether it would have been better if I'd never found out about the PA at all.

@JenMac: Your post made me hopeful that my SO can change. One of the things I am struggling with is feeling as though I need to change him at all; I don't want to be a controlling person, and I generally feel that people shouldn't try to change others to better suit themselves, but in this case, the PA certainly affects us. I vacillate from feeling like I am overreacting and a prude to feeling so awful and angry that I just want SO to leave.

I sent SO the link to this website, and also a link to the Dark Side of the Moon post, which I mostly could have written word for word. He told me this morning that he will read it, and I hope he does. I've been trying to draft a letter to him from me detailing how I feel, but it just sounds like a broken record at this point -- nothing I haven't already said to him numerous times.

After another morning of him lying to me about watching P on his computer -- a deleted user history from someone who never before would delete it is a giant red flag -- he broke down after he seemed to realize that I just don't trust him anymore.

I don't know what's more devastating: the PA itself or the fact that I no longer trust my husband.

p.s. I've changed my username; sorry for any confusion!

[JenMac]

Hi Fragileego!
How do you set your boundaries?
Well, for me, I had to decide what I could live with F! I had to think hard about those very things you are struggling with. Did I want to control my H? Did I have the right to take this away from him? Was I overeacting?
Well it didn't take me long to make up my mind about those things F! I knew I did not want to control my H. I knew I was not overeacting, based on how I felt about this and it wasn't up to me to 'take this away from him'.
I told my H, I could not live with this. Period. It was then up to him what he chose to do. I was ready and willing to leave my 30 plus year marriage because I knew I would not feel safe and loved with P being a part of it.
My H understood this from day 1.
He chose us, F.
But choosing us was not enough. Then he had to choose what to do about the situation.
-no more P.
-he put filters on the computers.
-he went to counselling.
-he joined TTF.
-he committed to honesty.
etc.
Now it didn't all happen at once. It happened over time.
He didn't really realize the damage that he had inflicted on himself or his marriage in the beginning. It became apparent along the road to healing.
It took time F! It is a process.
And no, he can't do it for you and succeed in the long term but it can start with that. My H readily admits that he was doing it to save his marriage in the beginning but somewhere along the way it changed. He started to do it for himself. He started to really change and grow. With all of the learning that has happened along the way, a transformation has taken place. He is happier, calmer and more in touch with himself than he has ever been. And it is awesome to see.
I am also not a controlling person F. And I don't believe I have changed my H to better suit myself, but the wonderful thing is that by doing what he needs to feel better about himself, my H has become the man I fell in love with, only a more confident version. And you can't get better than that!
Wishing you all the best as you find your way through this F! Love that little one and look after yourself!
Jenn

[stillandagain]

I am blown away, Jenn, by your reply. I could have written the words myself, the opening section anyway. I have a long way to reach simialr conclusions. It brought me to tears, puts a mirror up to myself and gives me hope.

Thank you.