Anyone else hearing blame from your PA?

[stillandagain]

In the oh-so-new expression of our feelings, I am beginning to hear words of blame: specifically that I am "partly to blame" for his addiction, cycles of P behavior, etc.

Its really hard to hear his feelings. Hard for me. Hard for him.
I know he needs to express them.
I know that it is not automatic, let alone easy, for him to do.

I wonder why he is still here with me.
I wonder that often.
In fact with every P discovery and resulting "discussion," I have articulated that very thing.

If he really feels the way he says he does, then why is he putting me (and him) through this. Why stay if he is so miserable with me?

[JenMac]

HI Stillandagain!
You are NOT to blame! In no way, shape or form! This is his addiction, his problem! Unfortunately this severely affects you as well.
Don't let him put this over to you. He needs to own up to that.
While there may be difficulties in your marriage, nothing forced him to go looking elsewhere for pleasure and fulfillment. In fact I bet he fell into this trap in his younger years and it has grown since then to the problem it is today.
He is in the early stages of recovery and he may not understand everything that he needs to SA. If he is serious in his committment he will learn a lot as he goes along.
I am sorry you are feeling this thrust upon you! You don't deserve this.
HIs choice to go here, regardless of what was happening in your relationship.
Take care of you SA. Be kind to you!
Hugs!
Jenn

[transitionalgrace]

Got some blame today when I talked to him. He even mentioned that "I had to keep digging and digging into his affairs because I always have to win." Hmmmm, I wondered what I was digging for and how I won. When I talked to him, I never got an answer. By the way, this was the first time in many months that we spoke.

I know that blame is part of the manipulative process, but it does zing when the blame is tossed your way. We don't live together and it's probably the best thing. I don't think I would take the emotional abuse.

[Hopeful]

Hi stillandagain,

Blaming the SO is part of the denial. Maybe your H will read the 14 types of denial....it was an eye opener for my H.

Checklist: 14 types of denial

I had to email my H (Hopefuls Rock) this and other journal posts in the beginning. Now he is so grateful I did.
Take care.

[Beanhead]

Ok, since I am stillandagain's husband, I think I am allowed to express some thoughts in this thread.

JenMac was correct was she wondered whether my addiction started years before I met my wife. It did. So in no way do I blame her for my addiction.

One of the things I've said all along is that my addiction was a horrible way for me to deal with many of life's stresses and problems. When things were going "well" for me, I looked less and even went months without looking. However, when things became very stressful and hard to handle, I turned to P.

The fact is that this is "addiction" language. For any person to feel like they NEED anything (whether it is a drug or an activity) to help them feel better, this is an addiction.

I developed this addiction and never took real steps to get over them. Like many other PAs, I thought that by simply making a choice to not look at P anymore I could get away from it for ever.

When my wife and I got to know each other, I was going through many difficult times in my life, including a divorce with my previous wife. That divorce had a lot of consequences that affected my children (that are still being felt today).

Within a 6 month period, I lost my job twice. This hurt on many levels, as anyone can imagine.

Beyond that, stillandagain and I decided to move in together before my divorce was complete. I don't know if this was wise or not but it sure changed the dynamics of our relationship. We had many, many fights about whether I was doing enough to move my divorce along or whether I was just sailing along.

Later, we moved, I got another job from I was fired two years later.

So why do I recount all this stupid sad story? NOT to blame her! I do it to simply say that what I chose to do in order to deal with these really difficult and confusing situations was to turn to P. I needed to feel good, to feel better.

I do not blame my wife for my choice of my addiction. I blame ME for that choice. I chose to deal with all the difficult parts of my life by turning to P. But what I DO say is that my wife was part of the difficult time in my life. The way that she and I related to each other caused stressful times to become even more stressful.

With all that being said, I am now choosing to NEVER turn to P again to deal with my difficulties. I am choosing to turn to healthy ways for dealing with my stress. And I am choosing to learn and put into practice new behaviors that will take away my need for the rush of P to make me feel better.

I choose to be different because I don't ever want to be that person again.

[TooSensitive]

StillandAgain, from where are you hearing these words of blame?

I know that much of the reading material places part of the blame on the partner; is that where you are getting this from?

After reading "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes, I almost threw that book across the room, all b/c of that blame he was trying to place on me, just b/c I was a partner. I also couldn't take any of the blame being placed upon me by S-Anon, either, which is why I did not go back after that first meeting.

As we go along, it is good if we can take what we want and simply leave the rest. Not all things apply to all partners. No two people are the same; no two journeys are the same.

If you are being made to feel blame b/c of things you've read, try reading, "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse". It uses the "trauma" model vs. the "co-addict/co-dependent" model. The trauma model is the one with which I relate, not the other one that places part of the blame upon me.

[JenMac]

Hi Beanhead!
Thank you for telling us how you feel about this situation in regards to laying blame on your SO. It is important that we can feel heard and understood on our way along this path.
Perhaps it is important to tell you BH, that whether you lay blame on your wife or not, it seems most often that we as SOs will in some way put this dreadful situation over onto ourselves. Whether it is blame for circumstances, or blame for something within our sx lives, or blame for our body being less than perfect, we will find something to obsess about over this.
If you are aware of that information BH, then perhaps you can see the benefit in making certain that your wife in no way feels like she is to blame for any of this. Now you may not feel like you have laid any blame but she obviously feels like you have.
Mac and I definately had things we needed to discuss about our lives that may have played a part in our disconnection BH, but we chose to not deal with or discuss those things until we were well into our healing. Mac told me, he in no way wanted me to feel like this was my fault. That was very important to him and to my healing as well.
I am glad you are here BH! I am glad that you are committing to your recovery and I know it must be so hard to watch your wife suffer as she is. But suffer we do! Finding a way to support her through her struggles is so important for continued healing for both of you. Choose your words carefully, be honest but kind, and try to find that balance between your recovery and the recovery of your relationship. Some discussions can, and are best, to be left for later.
All the best!
Jenn

[Beanhead]

Hi Beanhead!
Thank you for telling us how you feel about this situation in regards to laying blame on your SO. It is important that we can feel heard and understood on our way along this path.
Perhaps it is important to tell you BH, that whether you lay blame on your wife or not, it seems most often that we as SOs will in some way put this dreadful situation over onto ourselves. Whether it is blame for circumstances, or blame for something within our sx lives, or blame for our body being less than perfect, we will find something to obsess about over this.
If you are aware of that information BH, then perhaps you can see the benefit in making certain that your wife in no way feels like she is to blame for any of this. Now you may not feel like you have laid any blame but she obviously feels like you have.
Mac and I definately had things we needed to discuss about our lives that may have played a part in our disconnection BH, but we chose to not deal with or discuss those things until we were well into our healing. Mac told me, he in no way wanted me to feel like this was my fault. That was very important to him and to my healing as well.
I am glad you are here BH! I am glad that you are committing to your recovery and I know it must be so hard to watch your wife suffer as she is. But suffer we do! Finding a way to support her through her struggles is so important for continued healing for both of you. Choose your words carefully, be honest but kind, and try to find that balance between your recovery and the recovery of your relationship. Some discussions can, and are best, to be left for later.
All the best!
Jenn

Jenn,

Thanks for your comments and advice. Coming from you and your experience means a lot to me.

I agree with what you've said. There are some things that can be "dealt" with later, discussed and processed at a later time. And I know we'll do that.

The reason I jumped in to the thread is that I saw something that stillandagain said that I wanted to give the other perspective on. I realize that we all value each person's perspective and feelings and she needs that. However, I need to be able to share as well what I mean or what my feelings are.

Stillandagain is the one who pushes me to challenge her whenever she needs to be. She expects me to speak up and not simply allow her to say whatever she wants; in other words, to hold her accountable as well. Its one of the things I struggle with and that I am still learning how to do. So I took the opportunity to make an attempt in this thread.

[stillandagain]

Thanks all for this dialogue.

I only have a moment, but need to respond to TooSensitive.

"from where did I hear words of blame?"

answer: from my PA H's mouth: "you are partly to blame"
I would not make up the word or insinuate the sentiment
It is too important.

When I feel or sense blame, or anything else, I ask, directly.
I know about me that I get into trouble when I don't, when I rather "assume" - and we all know what A.S.S.U.M.E. means.

I would not have posed the question had I not heard the word.

It really is a good thing to practice: asking for what I need, saying what I need to say. I have found that I am sometimes (often) wrong in my assumptions. While that may be hard, or even hurt, it is important nonetheless - to me, to him, to us. I have encouraged him to do the same. ww are both getting better at it.

I think as Beanhead and I BOTH "detox," these are challenging times. But I can say with hope that we ARE indeed in this process, together and separately, and it feels very positive.

Its just that sometimes the real (my trigger) words are hard to hear, and I look for support or similar experience here on ttf. I was in quite the rant after hearing words of blame and needed to vent as well as check it out in other's experience.

Again, thank you all for joining this topic.

[Charly22]

I feel like I receive blame from my pa. It is a common trait among ALL addicts, whether it be p, booze, drugs, etc. To blame others for the problems that develop because of their addiction.

For instance, the distance that develops between us in our relationship, he will blame me, and make it sound like it is my problem that I pull away, or stay hurt, rather than take accountability for his actions and addiction.

The reality is, he is two different people. One who places blame elsewhere in order to avoid the guilt and shame. The other is who feels the guilt and shame and becomes a depressed mess.

Blame.......

Strong word......