Anyone else hearing blame from your PA?

[stillandagain]

Blame. Strong word. Important word.

I have seen with my PA H the tendency to blame others and circumstances outside of himself, but also seeing that he is really trying another way, a new awareness. he is working really hard to understand me and himself in all this. It is hard for both of us.

Maybe its not "blame" so much as working really hard to understand every angle, contributing factors, the thread of dysfunction . . .

Him aside, though, I have seen other addicts act very blame-filled and accusatory of others. My hunch is that this is a common dynamic with addiction. Its hard work to feel the weight of all of this - maybe "blame" is related to survival.

As an addict myself (eating disorder, bulimia in-pt treatment, 1987), I was this way at the start of real treatment. In this present moment, I am wondering if this roller coaster of back and forth anger and blame and shame and hope and all the rest that we are both experiencing is part of BOTH of us detoxifying this PA out of OUR systems!

Any thoughts

[rosie]

Him aside, though, I have seen other addicts act very blame-filled and accusatory of others. My hunch is that this is a common dynamic with addiction. Its hard work to feel the weight of all of this - maybe "blame" is related to survival.

I think it's two things. Blame is projection - they are putting onto us what they feel from inside themselves.

I also think by projecting out - you are allowing yourself to avoid looking WITHIN. By blaming us, they dont have to look at themselves - looking at themselves is hard, if they could look at themselves and deal with what is actually there, I doubt they would be addicts in the first place.

I too have overcome eating disorders that you mention - I wasn't hospitalized but I came very close as a teen. I now struggle with OVEReating due to stress - its never ending.

[TooSensitive]

Hi StillandAgain! Thx for answering my question and clarifying about where you were hearing that you were to blame. B/c after reading your h’s post here, it did not sound like he was placing any blame on you at all. But I also know that there are 2 sides to every story.

Yes, there are partners who do fit the traditional “co-addict/co-dependent” model. But not all. This model does place part of the blame upon the partner for her h’s behavior. This model is the one traditionally used in therapy, in books, at S-Anon meetings for partners, and as far as I know, in SA and SAA literature (though don’t quote me on that last one). So in at least some areas of recovery, the SA/PA himself is being taught that we are at least partly to blame. And there are also some SAs/PAs who blame out upon their partners regardless, b/c that is the easier thing for them to do in the beginning.

My h never blamed me at all for any of it; he blamed those from his own past instead who had inflicted trauma upon him. I told him I thought it best if he learned how to stop blaming them and start taking ownership and responsibility for himself now. I told him they might be the reason why this all began, and that your behavior was a reaction to that trauma, but at some point, we all have to learn how to heal from that trauma, break the cycle, and move on. I told him he cannot make himself a prisoner of that trauma for the rest of his life, b/c it is still getting in the way of his own life, and therefore my life, today. I said you can blame them initially, but if your behavior continues, then you have no one to blame but yourself in the end, for allowing it to continue. He understood what I was telling him.

But even though he never blamed me, I still felt to blame in some aspects back in the beginning. Unfortunately, that’s just what we partners tend to do, until we start healing. I had thoughts such as, “If I was built like this, he wouldn’t look elsewhere”; “If my hair looked like that, he wouldn’t look elsewhere”; “If I dressed like this…”; “If I was okay with that…”; “If I did this…”; “If I did that…”. Those thoughts went on and on and on. I was blaming myself back in the beginning, as wrong as that was. It was only when I worked on rebuilding my self-esteem and began to feel better about myself and stopped feeling as if I were in competition with every single female around, and realized it wouldn’t matter how good I looked, and that this had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him, that I finally stopped placing any blame for any of it upon myself.

I am sorry you had to hear those words of blame from your h. I know I would feel very angry if that had happened to me. But in reading his post here, even though he may have started out blaming you beforehand, it does not sound as if he still does, if his words are sincere and true. If they are, then maybe he has turned a corner and had a breakthrough with this. Do you think he has?

Not to defend him, but I also know how hard it is for them to separate out what works for them in recovery and leave the rest, esp. in the beginning. Unfortunately, much of what they are taught in recovery not only includes blame for the partner, but also, it doesn’t even leave much, if any, room for the partner to still exist in their lives. The recovery models don’t seem to care about the addict’s partner nor relationship; the sole focus is only on the addict. I get this to a point, but if your relationship still exists, there has to be some focus on this, too, along the way, if your relationship is going to survive. I am glad to see that so far, you are both going about this “together”, it seems.

StillandAgain, I think for awhile in the beginning, it is a rollercoaster of emotions, back and forth as you describe. I know I vacillated between feeling positive and hopeful, to feeling negative and devastated, and everything in between. I think healing can happen more quickly for both of you, if you are both using that “togetherness” approach. Since you are both here, and you are both going to do counseling, not only separately, but also together, I would say that’s a very good start. You may quite possibly find that the rollercoaster becomes more manageable sooner, rather than later. But yes, it does take a lot of time to go about your own forms of “detox”, as you call it, which is a great way of putting it! I think your prior personal experiences with addiction (going through it yourself and also being an Addiction Chaplain) is only going to help you both along. Yes, it is so hard dealing with this, but I believe you two have a strong chance at making it. That’s the way it looks from over here!

[stillandagain]

Thank you, TooSensitive

I do indeed know that he has had a "breakthrough." Believe me, it helps.

He has shifted to blaming me at every point of discovery during our relationship, so it is a familiar pattern and his were familiar words.

Words are important to me. I listen to words which are used and explore meaning behind the choices. I do this for a living.

I would not have used the word "blame" had he not said it, but I do appreciate your perspective and thoughtful reply.

Beanhead will also appreciate it, as he feels like SO's support each other (and is happy for the supportive dialogue I have received and offered) and that he hasn't received much of his own. He doesn't put himself out there as much, though, to receive support. That, too, is growing.

We are in a good place. Hopeful. Communicating. I pray it continues, and that we both remain committed to stay in this battle together, with 100% honesty. IF he "partly blames me," which he does, I need to hear that, and how he really feels (which is really hard for him) or we cannot work together.